Work: Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after...

By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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Work

Understandable

Sorry…

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 17:02

I smell winter

Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

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By GOAWAY - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By number2 - United States

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

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By johnboy - United States

Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

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1753

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By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

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By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe

Today, after having set up a date with a wonderful guy who seems to really like me, I caught a cold. I have also lost most of my voice because of it, so I now sound like an angry, deranged goose when I talk. This will be the first time he meets me in person. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By CatLady - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

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By awkwardpanda

Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By faulty plumbimg! - India

Today, I got my period 2 days early, while being interviewed for my dream job. Let's just say that I don't have very high hopes after walking backwards to the exit door and falling down upon colliding with the wall. FML

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By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/9/2020 05:02

Great move

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

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420

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By cedechan - United States - Tucson

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

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By AmericanAlien - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By CJune24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

The Great Pretender

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 08:01 - Canada

Stay at home

Today, after working several months through the pandemic at a medical clinic, my coworkers and I got a gift to thank us for our hard work during this time. Was it a raise or a bonus? Nah. Just a small Tupperware container. We were also told later on that all time-off requests were suspended until further notice. FML

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By Scholar - United States

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

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27345

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By Mike - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By firedupasshole - 27/7/2020 05:01

Make your mind up

Today, while taking to-go orders at my restaurant, a customer called saying he wanted his food well done. He even said, “Burn it to a crisp.” Which is what I told the kitchen. When he came to pick it up, he opened his food, inspected it and screamed, “Not this burned, you damn retard!” and threw it at me. FML

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By clueless - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

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By yuck - United Kingdom

Today, I was cleaning mouse remains from the kitchen floor, left by my cat. I found a small round thing nearby. With no idea what it was, I picked it up and gave it a little squeeze to see if it was solid. It wasn't, and burst with great force onto my face. I'm pretty sure it was an eye. FML

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By Cathy - United States

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

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33620

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By lizzy1843 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

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16890

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By anti88 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By MushyKetchup - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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23126

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By PinkMonkeys

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

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10507

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By Cinnamon - Jamaica

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML

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By full of losses - United States

Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML

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4403

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

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35286

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By pubes - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

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20480

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By sadmommy - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

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Top comments

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2865437 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:07

they let people like that have credit cards, no wonder the economy is fucked

By MrMonk | 5

#2865419 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:06

that's grandma for you

COMMENTS

By GrandmaPearl | 0

#2865417 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:06

Well then!! She has balls!

anjelicjazzy | 6

#2865653 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:23

i feel like this is something that would happen to me... sigh

kendallhi | 9

#2865972 - Monday 11 July 2011 10:12

why is this an FML for you? it's the lady who should be the one complaining.

Denikk | 0

#2865985 - Monday 11 July 2011 10:14

Oh yea, you met a stupid lady and all of a sudden your life is ruined.

CasualZombie | 6

#2866092 - Monday 11 July 2011 10:40

that's more of an F her life; for being a technologically impaired hot-headed dumbass.

pertained | 12

#2866173 - Monday 11 July 2011 11:10

I don't really get how anyone could say OP deserves this...

tashaburr | 0

#2866335 - Monday 11 July 2011 12:17

I wonder what she'd do with an iPhone since it doesn't have buttons...

baddud300 | 6

#2866493 - Monday 11 July 2011 13:13

Why not just explain it to her? : D

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2867905 - Monday 11 July 2011 18:17

?Because it's more amusing to standby and watch the Stupid Show.. live!

tpreston | 0

#2871948 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 5:37

that make screen protectors for a reason, to protect the screen. Although it's not your fault you work for a cheap-ass company

QfiggyQ | 10

#2872105 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 6:00

OP probably assumed that people with credit cards know how to use the machine, and the old hag flipped a nutty before the OP could explain it.

Carpy | 8

#2873844 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 10:10

sooo how is it working for Walmart?

NeonPopRocks | 14

#5283291 - Wednesday 26 December 2012 22:26

Did she park in the technologically impaired space?

By MrMonk | 5

#2865419 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:06

that's grandma for you

WallyTheWombat | 0

#2867821 - Monday 11 July 2011 17:54

Those darn electric pens are always running out of ink. I can't remember a single time I had one with ink in it.

By emmiep1011 | 7

#2865423 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:06

some women...

PageantGirlXOXO | 16

#2866204 - Monday 11 July 2011 11:32

how is this an FML for her...? more like fhl

jglenn88 | 0

#2867056 - Monday 11 July 2011 15:49

that might have been my grandma...

Nips101 | 0

#2867582 - Monday 11 July 2011 17:09

no doubt

By zombieekillah93 | 0

#2865430 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:07

only in America...n maybe poland

Jacobt24 | 19

#2865442 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:08

I hate writing with those things

sxe_beast | 11

#2865987 - Monday 11 July 2011 10:14

@Jacob... I know! They seriously piss me off. I usually just put the first letter of each name and scribble the rest or I put a smiley face.

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#2868502 - Monday 11 July 2011 19:46

wtf you have against Poland? :(

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2865437 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:07

they let people like that have credit cards, no wonder the economy is fucked

By Mirorbo | 26

#2865450 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:08

Ah, technology...

By Dead_Master | 0

#2865451 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:08

Lol awesome for her

By alpaquette91 | 9

#2865461 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:09

was she 90?

By emeraldchicky | 0

#2865463 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:09

Hehe... Stupid woman.

alpaquette91 | 9

#2865555 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:14

you're a women .... I think ... :/

Das_Judenburg | 0

#2865706 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:30

I think she's more of a cow, can I get a moo moo?

CatEyes66 | 0

#2865798 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:40

Well, 14 is built like a man.

alpaquette91 | 9

#2865805 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:41

our cruel yet truthful comments disappeared or my iPhone app sucks ...

ksib | 0

#2865829 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:45

14 stfu. your ugly as hell. do us all a favor and put a bag over your head before you post another comment. :)

alpaquette91 | 9

#2865831 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:48

yeah with nice tits small waist and a great ass at least I show my face... I don't have some cartoon ;)

By dreamering | 16

#2865477 - Monday 11 July 2011 9:09

No wonder. Those electronic pads never work.