Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went... - FML

By facefuckedguy - 12/8/2014 21:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went to enter the building, only to walk face-first into a glass door. I rushed to help him up, and after we had a good laugh about it, I turned to walk inside, only to walk straight into the door as well. FML

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Goodbye Bill

Freak out

You snooze, you lose

By Danny - 11/11/2012 05:05 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was renovating the house, and my girlfriend asked, "Do you use electrical tape on electrical stuff?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I just gave her a puzzled look. She continued by saying, "Because it's not like people use duct tape on ducks." FML

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By CombatShadow45 - 25/11/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 22:51 - United States

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

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By franzbiel - 31/10/2009 12:54 - Switzerland

Randy Daddy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

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By noooo - 8/8/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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By college estudiata - 27/6/2015 00:57

Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML

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By Bibi - 23/9/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2018 03:44

Today, while working at a restaurant, I told an old couple their “vibrator will go off when a table is available”. I meant to say pager. They walked out. FML

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By crash - 22/5/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 06:02

Today, I saw a guy at a bar that looked cute. I didn't dare talk to him, though. When I was on my way home, drunkenly singing the entire way, I finally noticed he was walking along behind me. Probably for about 15 minutes. FML

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By carpetoops - 21/6/2009 16:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt purple washing detergent all over my white carpet. Desperate to get it up I grabbed a blue towel and started mopping it up. The detergent hasn't stained the carpet at all, the blue dye from the towel has. FML

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By Caz - 10/9/2018 20:30

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - 19/3/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By Bye Bye Toast - 25/5/2019 18:00

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By McKenna - 16/7/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By RainyDay - 11/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, My friend and I were stopped at a red light while it was pouring rain. We heard a screeching noise off in the distance and thought, "Hope someone doesn't get hit." Someone did get hit. We did. From behind. FML

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By Ugh - 15/2/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, after struggling for hours to fall asleep with my husbands rather rattling snoring, I finally managed it... only to be rudely awakened an hour later by my husband elbowing me in the face in his sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:08 - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes "betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

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By anonymous - 28/3/2011 18:48 - United States

Today, I dropped my blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML

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By SymmetricalPizzaFace - 7/9/2014 04:52 - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2013 18:12 - United States - Tustin

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

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By lonely - 5/2/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

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By datingfail - 14/8/2016 12:06 - Australia - Northcote

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 06:41 - United States

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

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By Username - 9/2/2011 03:27

Today, I got mugged. But luckily I had on my keyring the pepper spray that my husband had insisted I keep with me. Unlucky for me, my husband's co-worker, who borrowed my keys, emptied my pepper by spraying it on a brick wall one day when he was bored. FML

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By Fido - 6/6/2016 11:58 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

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By HoratioNo - 14/8/2013 06:41 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

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By emeraldarcher74 - 19/11/2016 18:34 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

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By Tmth - 25/5/2016 22:24

Today, I'm on crutches due to hip surgery. I went to the fridge to grab a bite to eat, but quickly realized if I wanted anything, I would have to eat there. I can't carry anything. Cold leftovers here we go. FML

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By Birdman - 23/6/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By migsman - 15/9/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to stop saying "I love you" so much because it's starting to annoy her. FML

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By anonymous - 19/3/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By failout - 5/3/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - 25/11/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By sucks - 12/3/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By pencilskirt - 22/3/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By rained - 2/2/2009 05:44 - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By bad luck? - 19/1/2012 05:44 - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6035847 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:53

Now your interviewers are going to see the black eyes on both of their candidates and come to the only logical conclusion: start a fight club.

By SandyBella | 17

#6035851 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:54

Poor thing! Hey, on the bright side, you get another laugh out if it.

COMMENTS

By Welshite | 39

#6035847 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:53

Now your interviewers are going to see the black eyes on both of their candidates and come to the only logical conclusion: start a fight club.

Reply

Almost_Positive | 18

#6035864 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:57

That doesn't seem like a conclusion.. Also, SHHH! Don't forget the first rule

Reply

Matrix_Redeemer | 6

#6035869 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:59

You talked about it. Now you have to die.

Reply

Marie54321 | 19

#6035873 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:00

First rule of fight club, you don't talk about fight club.

Reply

Pyrotecnicty | 9

#6035880 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:03

Second rule about fight club.Don't talk about fight club.

Reply

cjwayy | 22

#6035887 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:07

What a damn waste of a first comment.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#6035892 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:11

#18: Why thank you. I did try to make it as nonsensical as possible. If you don't like it feel free to downvote and move on. PM me if you want to complain about it. I truly don't care.

Reply

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6035911 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:43

Well, that was a defensive response for someone who doesn't really care. Moving on...

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#6035972 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 4:21

@20 if you're talking about Almost_Negative then yes, I've noticed too.

Reply

LittleBells | 17

#6035976 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 4:28

Dang #19, you sound like you're trying to flirt with her by saying 'PM me'

Reply

rudeb0y | 3

#6036007 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 4:45

Sounds like you haven't been flirted with in a while!

Reply

Almost_Positive | 18

#6036111 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 6:56

@33 I've seriously had nothing better to do right now that I'm out of school.. So I guess you guys are right.

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#6036371 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 15:40

nothing better to do now that you're OUT of school? get your priorities right kid.

Reply

Almost_Positive | 18

#6036491 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 18:17

I'm still on summer vacation...

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6036752 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 23:12

Damn Windex Pigeons are at it again...

Reply

Since1998 | 20

#6037988 - Friday 15 August 2014 5:21

#63 I think he means to hang out with friends or have fun on summer break

By SandyBella | 17

#6035851 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:54

Poor thing! Hey, on the bright side, you get another laugh out if it.

Reply

baseballbv | 17

#6035907 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:37

Keep your head up OP.

Reply

Soviet_American | 29

#6036241 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 12:07

And an FML out of the situation.

Reply

Kyle1dc | 17

#6036942 - Thursday 14 August 2014 4:35

and a possible best friend.

By brettrb | 18

#6035853 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:54

Hitting a glass door/window is better than hitting the glass ceiling OP.

Reply

Almost_Positive | 18

#6035857 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:55

Sounds like you've got experience

Reply

wassuploves | 16

#6035993 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 4:38

Almost_Positive you would be surprised.... I've heard about someone doing that more than once...

Reply

girI | 20

#6036158 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 7:47

I've never heard of a glass ceiling before. And how would you hit it anyway? Unless you're extremely tall you have to jump quite high to reach the ceiling, so, short of being the type of person that bunny hops everywhere, I can't really imagine it being a problem...

Reply

elcee1987 | 18

#6036795 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 23:58

That was lame.

Reply

Emzinatorbot | 26

#6038205 - Friday 15 August 2014 12:28

what does OP mean?

By steveykinz0967 | 16

#6035854 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:55

The windex is too powerful

Reply

LittleBells | 17

#6036051 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 5:22

Plot Twist: He's applying for Windex

Reply

amisenho | 11

#6036463 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 17:28

It was never meant for the world of the living.

By yewanchor | 7

#6035855 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:55

I hope he has a good sense of humor!

By Rinat_fml | 26

#6035859 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:55

I guess karma had a bad day!

By Le_Doctor | 10

#6035863 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:57

Them doors... Always working their black magic

By tinycroc | 10

#6035866 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 1:58

At least you left your mark on the company for the interview, even if it was just a faceprint on glass.

By Matrix_Redeemer | 6

#6035875 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:00

"The windex is strong in this one."

By Almost_Positive | 18

#6035879 - Wednesday 13 August 2014 2:02

Sounds like you both failed the first part of the interview
Good luck with getting the job!