Money: Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to... - FML

By speechless - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

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Messed up

Dementia or hate? You decide

Slot machine addicts

By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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By gooddaydude - United States - Omaha

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

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By oopsie - Canada

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

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By inheritance - Denmark - Lyngby

Delayed

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By sadmother - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

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By pleasestop - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML

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By lily_marleen - United States

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

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By bigmikenyc - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By Anonymous

Deal or no Deal

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

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By Anna L. - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

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By The L word - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

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By fernie vazquez - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Simp

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mangerton

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

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By crappygirlfriend - United States

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

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By GOAWAY - United States - Jefferson City

Creepy guy

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By tori210

Today, I was walking out of work. I felt like everyone was staring at me but brushed it off. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. FML

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By steven - Cayman Islands

Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out her second story bedroom window taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned 'My baby's first kiss!' FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

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By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United States - Watertown

Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML

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By Pandistoteles - United States

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonalds but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

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By ananomoose - United States

Rush job

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

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By CaeliLady - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

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By dlova - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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By fmlman - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

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By AndI'veHadChildren - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

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By cakefete2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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By DeadScared - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Head in the Clouds

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

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By ocroyalty - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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By ToTeachorNottoTeach - 2/9/2020 20:01 - United States - Los Angeles

The best of times, the worst of times

Today, I'm a teacher in the middle of a pandemic. Half my students haven't shown up to my class. The other half don't do any assignments. I keep my job based on how well my students do. FML

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By Brandon Lafantaisie

Back in the red

Today, I sneezed and pulled every muscle in my lower back. For the third time in two years, after $3000+ in physiotherapy. Round 3, here we come. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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By Bratty son - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

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By bgoodwin07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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Top comments

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5515940 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:33

That's horrible... Society really is going downhill.

By untouchable763 | 10

#5515933 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:32

Granny got moves.

COMMENTS

By untouchable763 | 10

#5515933 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:32

Granny got moves.

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5516776 - Saturday 1 June 2013 20:57

So next time, you will know to kick an old bitch in the kneecap and flee.

Reply

crystalxa | 35

#5844787 - Friday 31 January 2014 14:38

Reminds me of the movie Dirty Dancing. There are some sneaky old people out there!!

By pistachiopanda | 19

#5515940 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:33

That's horrible... Society really is going downhill.

Reply

ChaoticBacon | 6

#5516042 - Saturday 1 June 2013 6:41

In this case, in a wheelchair...

Reply

Pordexel | 5

#5516392 - Saturday 1 June 2013 15:19

Please stop. I can't stand these wheelchair jokes.

Reply

ilikepie22313 | 5

#5516402 - Saturday 1 June 2013 15:39

I see what you did there.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5520893 - Tuesday 4 June 2013 21:46

Oh wheel you stop being such a pansy? Chair just jokes!

By Gvfell | 9

#5515941 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:33

Do you even lift, granny?

Reply

mmaflake | 19

#5516074 - Saturday 1 June 2013 7:14

Boo

By a7x_rever1 | 7

#5515944 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:33

Look on the brightside you're still alive! Things could have turned out worse!

Reply

saad2605 | 16

#5515954 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:35

Yeah. She could have been a violent crazy serial killer.

On a positive note, the elders are getting really messed up. Report her OP.

By Tigerblossom | 19

#5515947 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:34

You were warned and you still got trolled by troll grandma. Fml is supposed to keep you from making the same mistakes as other people

Reply

TorturedXeno | 27

#5515994 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:55

You shoulda listened, OP!

Reply

Jjimen1654 | 9

#5516027 - Saturday 1 June 2013 6:27

Sometimes you have to make the mistake yourself to really learn from it.

Reply

dancinwookie | 21

#5517342 - Sunday 2 June 2013 9:17

Passing down life lessons, one shitty mishap at a time!

By Supahnova | 14

#5515949 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:34

Grandma's sneak skill increased to 99.

Reply

ceremonials | 6

#5515970 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:40

Sneak skill increases with age. Or matches age haha

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5516035 - Saturday 1 June 2013 6:34

Her thieving level is 99.
Someone will get it

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5516086 - Saturday 1 June 2013 7:25

Runescape.

Reply

CTMPandemonium | 16

#5516133 - Saturday 1 June 2013 8:15

I believe it's Grandma's Pickpocket Skills Increased to Level 99 lol

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#5516149 - Saturday 1 June 2013 8:29

Who ever thumbed 43 down he is actually correct. And pick pocketing is part of the thriving skill.

Reply

A7XCamaro | 19

#5516230 - Saturday 1 June 2013 11:08

I guess the question is how many cakes has she stolen to get to a point of being able to pickpocket so smoothly?

Reply

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5516401 - Saturday 1 June 2013 15:33

pickpocketing is a skill in Skyrim and CAN be leveled up.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5520897 - Tuesday 4 June 2013 21:49

ACTUALLY, you guys crashed the aborted fetus of what was coming to be an Elder Scrolls nerding-party, what with the "Sneak skill increased to 99."

By samreimer | 7

#5515951 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:35

The lesson here: always believe everything the media tells you.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5515982 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:47

Forget the media; movies is where I get my information, especially when there are superheroes involved. I'm certain those are true.

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#5516556 - Saturday 1 June 2013 17:56

Agreed 15- and i also like wearing my undies on the outside... Makes me feel super!

By mandacleary | 14

#5515953 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:35

you can't feel grandmas shakey hands go into your butt pocket?

Reply

Shrike | 22

#5516166 - Saturday 1 June 2013 9:01

Shaky or not, you're probably gonna feel them. That's why most pickpocketers rely on bumping into their victims or making other physical contact so they don't even realize what's going on in their pockets or elsewhere. The more you know, right?

By ColbyGB | 13

#5515955 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:35

What's up with them elderly nowadays?

By laya_fml | 26

#5515971 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:41

You should have gone with the instincts you learned from FML!