Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with... - FML

By whoneedsdumbcars - United States

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

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Family values

Where are you?

Parental guilt

By wow - United States - Gainesville

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

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By shoelace18 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

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By Confused - 23/9/2020 17:01 - Australia - Perth

Suspicious

Today, I texted my boyfriend, asking him to meet me when he finished work. Paranoid as he is, he took this to mean that I wanted to break up with him, and is ghosting me into oblivion. All I wanted was to see him on our 4-year anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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By Boltz719 - United States

Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

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By heck

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

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By jacobianscum - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

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By Haitwun - United States - El Monte

Today, my girlfriend decided to treat me out to dinner and cake for my birthday. My mom felt left out and yelled at my girlfriend in an angry tirade. My girlfriend went home. I'm spending my birthday, alone in my room. FML

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By JAMjessie - United States

Today, I found out that my boss's ex-husband is my company manager. They are one office space apart and constantly shouting about one another. I'm in that one office space between them. In the office across from me? Their daughter. FML

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By ken

Today, I took my girlfriend to a festival. The very first thing we saw when we got there was a guy being wheeled away by paramedics. She freaked out and demanded we leave. FML

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By Katie - Reserved

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

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By aaalias34 - United States

Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML

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By vargasm - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

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By Darth Binks - Canada

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

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By Crazy cat lady - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

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By bloodyfreakinawful - United States - Seabrook

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

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By Megara - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By Talvesh - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

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By Benchlover - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I'm dating and said, "You smell good." His response, "You don't." FML

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By Sodapop40 - 21/6/2020 05:05

"Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield starts playing…

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

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By thanks hun - 7/5/2020 20:00

Overheard musings

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

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By fml - United States - Perry

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

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By "axon Impulse"

Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong! Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

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By RandomMe - Cambodia - Sihanouk

Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML

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By calebeutsler - United States

Today, I was at a pie auction. During it, I had to hold a pie in a glass case to be sold. In the middle of the auction, I raised my hand to scratch my face, and dropped the pie and broke the glass. It was worth $1000. FML

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By wellcrap - United States - Carrollton

Today, I walked into a really fancy hotel bathroom. I spoke to the attendant and gave her my purse and coat while I used the toilet. When I came out, she was gone. The receptionist informed me they didn't have a bathroom attendant. FML

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By amf - United States

Today, I got fired via text. The last sentence was, "Wish you the best, take care!" FML

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By Sayahh

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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By dumass - United States - Columbus

Today, the day before my wife and I leave for our 1 year anniversary trip, I realized my passport expires in 2014, not 2015. Instead of a week's stay at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, we'll be spending three days in Louisville. Three angry days in Louisville. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By wiseoldone - United States

Today, I am going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out, I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

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By anonya - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

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By dogggg - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was doing a science presentation about glucose. There was around 20 judges at the event who could've judged me, but instead I got judged by the only person in the whole entire world who doesn't know what glucose is and doesn't think it exists. FML

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By NotAModel - United States

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

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Top comments

By Abby97 | 0

#486117 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:04

Ouch! Haha my mom did that one time and I was still in the car! It was so scary!

By kittybell | 0

#486135 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:08

Fail. =D

COMMENTS

By Bashar_fml | 0

#486116 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:04

rofl at u

Reply

mercilessadi | 0

#486353 - Friday 14 August 2009 17:29

Today,while coming out of a restaurant,I saw a car running over a dog in a parking lot. After reaching home I realized that the dog was mine.fml

|^^|

Reply

polkadot1196 | 0

#486446 - Friday 14 August 2009 18:21

Same. You'd think you would remember to put on the brakes.... I just see it in my head!!

Reply

ananamoose | 0

#486576 - Friday 14 August 2009 19:22

Do you have a movie screen in your head? NO YOU DON"T so I BET you DON"T see it IN YOUR HEAD!! Ididoso

Reply

nam3 | 0

#487840 - Saturday 15 August 2009 4:50

why wuld they go back in???

Reply

TurtleSmile | 14

#4822954 - Thursday 16 August 2012 21:38

At least a hot girl noticed you, OP. I guess that's a step in the right direction?

By Abby97 | 0

#486117 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:04

Ouch! Haha my mom did that one time and I was still in the car! It was so scary!

Reply

bob1233 | 0

#486126 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:06

LMAO!

Reply

uthral | 0

#488006 - Saturday 15 August 2009 6:52

Were you on a boat ramp at the time?

By kittybell | 0

#486135 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:08

Fail. =D

Reply

growingupnextmon | 3

#486194 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:31

Not necessarily if he had been astute he would have been able to turn it into a conversation with the hot girl.

Reply

elara15 | 0

#486375 - Friday 14 August 2009 17:42

Sheesh, male drivers!

See how generalizations never accomplish anything? Regardless of your gender, pay attention to your vehicle. YDI, son.

By serpicosghost | 0

#486143 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:10

YDI for eating in a restaurant

By SimpleSimon | 0

#486160 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:18

YDI for being a useless driver

By marz88 | 0

#486173 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:23

Why is my FML red? and how do I get rid of it.

OP = Pure genius. Possible Darwin Award nominee one day

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#486343 - Friday 14 August 2009 17:25

FML is being retarded.
I've been trying to post a reply to you.
Maybe this one will work.

You can't. It's an ad for a movie and will be gone in a couple days.

Reply

TheTrainKid | 20

#6248864 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 21:48

Don't use the R word.

By Trooth | 13

#486186 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:28

That is hilarious!! rofl

By growingupnextmon | 3

#486198 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:32

At least you got their attention.

By XTheDesertSongX | 17

#486242 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:49

I'm sorry but rofl. this is a fail and again I'm sorry but YDI... god this
is retarded though D:

By Intoxicunt | 5

#486259 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:56

I really think the girls are irrelevant. The car rolling away is an FYL with a YDI. I notice that it's embarrassing because ANYONE saw you, but the fact they were hot girls (who were walking out anyway) isn't really a necessary detail.
So like I said, FYL/YDI both.