Transportation: Today, leaving the restaurant I work in, the car next to mine...

By parkingisawesome - United States

Today, leaving the restaurant I work in, the car next to mine was very crookedly parked. I had a hard time backing out. It turned out the whole restaurant was watching me, and they all started to clap as I drove away. FML

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Transportation

Walk the line

The Summoner

Backwards world

By exfiancee - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing rugby. I was tackled very hard at the end of a play, and I got up to find my head bleeding profusely. Not one person offered to drive me to the ER. I had to drive myself to get six stitches in the face. FML

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By zinka - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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By Really - United States - Middletown

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

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By yellow_sunflowers101 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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By sashimi9999 - United States - Salinas

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into a guy that I had gone on a few dates with 3 months ago and slept with him a few times, but then never heard from him again. When he looked at me, I went over and gave him a hug and said "Hey, how are you, Chris?". He hugged me back and said "Hey there cutie, what's your name?". FML

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By Jenson - 17/11/2020 19:05 - United Kingdom

Size Queen

Today, I found out that being a good boyfriend who financially supports his girlfriend through university, has a good relationship with her family and even put myself at risk to care for her through a COVID infection, doesn’t matter because she prefers the guy she cheated with who has a bigger knob. FML

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By Shitty day - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By dundundadumb - United States

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

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By BakedBat - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By hjufidskndf - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Personality matters

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people, "Why are you going out with such an ugly girl?" FML

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By anonymous.. - United States

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

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By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By crazycatlady - United States

Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML

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By Ray - 31/12/2020 16:58

Anticlimactic

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm the best lay of his life. I really wish I could say the same about him. FML

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By Mapmouse - 27/1/2021 11:03

Open season

Today, I drove home to Las Vegas after being in quarantine in Los Angeles for two weeks. The lights were on and the lock was busted. My apartment is completely ransacked. Yay 2021. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By notsohappilyeverafter - United States

Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML

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By Dkim620 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2021 17:59

Super-spreading

Today, I found out I have bed bugs, thanks to my dad having them and not telling me, so my girlfriend got pissed at me, thinking I purposely give them to her, and is sending me a bill to have her house treated for them. Thanks dad. FML

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By M - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

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By NotSoFunnyNow

Today, I tried to get a funny reaction from my dogs with a fart, like I saw in a YouTube video. I shat my pants and the dogs didn't even notice. FML

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By D - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

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By nosey - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

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Today, as any other work day, I sat down for lunch. Unfortunately, the door to the toilet is right next to where I sit. Every time a colleague uses the toilet, I hear everything, which puts me off my lunch. FML

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By sarad206 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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By [email protected] - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

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By TeddyBearKiller - United States

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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Top comments

By Jackiess22 | 0

#2467006 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:00

This really doesn't seem too bad. if I were watching I would clap for you succeeding! The other person parked like a dick and you pulled out of it with out fucking up your car. Congrats.

By largefoofighter | 0

#2466983 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:58

I just picture you backing out like an old lady in a buick

COMMENTS

By 10thPrestige | 0

#2466958 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:55

It possibly couldn't have been as hard as my strap on right now.

FruityLoooons | 8

#2466991 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:59

...what. :l

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2467010 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:01

hey me too! im starting to get a rash :s

10thPrestige | 0

#2467021 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:04

Use aloe it helps with those damned rashes.

By ATSViper | 15

#2466981 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:58

Really?! Hoping your not a guy.

10thPrestige | 0

#2466998 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:59

Yes, I'm a very sexy male.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2467195 - Friday 6 May 2011 10:04

i like to glue post it notes on peoples windshields asking them to park correctly

Stroke_Her_Ace | 15

#2467261 - Friday 6 May 2011 10:23

yep

xmayne | 0

#2467366 - Friday 6 May 2011 11:39

yes

Hide_Yo_Kids | 0

#2468015 - Friday 6 May 2011 12:29

most likely an Asian.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2468038 - Friday 6 May 2011 12:38

42,No wai, I can dliving the car, I dliving the car for the twenty yuhs and no accident. Me no lying.

By largefoofighter | 0

#2466983 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:58

I just picture you backing out like an old lady in a buick

By Isabel312 | 0

#2466989 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:59

Are you sure you weren't crookedly parked?

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2467027 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:04

Y U NO PARK PROPERLY!!!

california283 | 6

#2467058 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:13

y u no palk plopelry*

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2467093 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:22

y tha fakken yew b taulkin lik this?

By lamAzn | 0

#2466995 - Friday 6 May 2011 8:59

you duh ashun like me? lol jk, *claps*

By Jackiess22 | 0

#2467006 - Friday 6 May 2011 9:00

This really doesn't seem too bad. if I were watching I would clap for you succeeding! The other person parked like a dick and you pulled out of it with out fucking up your car. Congrats.