Intimacy: Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Vibe check

By Bishop

Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

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By gross - United States - Muskegon

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Front line workers

Today, my partner and I got called out to a domestic disturbance. Things turned ugly while we were en-route. Long story short, I now know how many grown men it takes to lift a nearly 400lb shit-covered woman onto a stretcher. I almost reconsidered my choice of career. FML

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By junkie - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By not as scarred as he should be - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

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By Cindy - United States

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

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By ._. - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

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By mark - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By yankeeboy123 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By deepblue - United States

Today, we ordered pizza. A long wait and several phone calls later, we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway, signed our receipt, and stole our pizza. Way to check the credit card pizza people. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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By SingleAgain - United States - Saukville

Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2020 20:02

Surprise strike

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

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By neoteck - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By no more flips - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

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By LoveBytes - Canada - Victoria

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

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By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By GiveMeCake

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I had to take my little brother to the pool. He acted like a brat the whole time, and when I told him we were leaving, he ran away, slipped, and hit his face on the tile floor. He told my dad and step-mom I punched him. They believed him, and I'm grounded for two months. FML

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By JessThompson - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By UnderAcheiver - United States - Cypress

Today, my new supervisor arrived after my old one had transferred away and we had a quick evaluation meeting. As it turns out, I'm not actually a good employee like I thought. I just had a shitty boss who didn't care enough to let me know I wasn't meeting company standards. FML

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By whyme - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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By alcoholic - Estonia

Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

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By GabyLeann - United States

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

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By JLoistheBomb - United States

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

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By Samprib - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

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By Snow - United States

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

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By fuckingdonuts - United States - Edmond

Say yes

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

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By TordNorski - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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By brokeandcardless - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

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By saltynutz20 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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By sarah_sad - United States

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#737046 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:34

So did you have a white Christmas?

By ps2stony | 0

#737012 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:12

Lols that's gross to fap to the same thing your dad did

COMMENTS

By AmyLovesJoel | 0

#737011 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:12

Ewwwwwwwwwww still funny though

Reply

icall_BS | 0

#968374 - Friday 26 March 2010 4:29

You lucky bitch. I want retro porn pl0x.

Reply

6969awesome | 0

#989726 - Sunday 9 May 2010 15:32

vintage
nice ;)

Reply

nateb1tch | 1

#1126302 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:52

least he is cool about you jacking off to porn

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#3961527 - Sunday 29 January 2012 15:38

Penis sideburns for the win!!

Reply

PandaKitteh | 20

#4700873 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 20:45

The first thing that came to my mind: Bush.

By ps2stony | 0

#737012 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:12

Lols that's gross to fap to the same thing your dad did

By JassyJas | 2

#737026 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:17

What did everyone else say? O_o

By Ninjaface | 0

#737046 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:34

So did you have a white Christmas?

Reply

rachlove | 0

#739407 - Sunday 27 December 2009 21:16

nice:)

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#968832 - Friday 26 March 2010 23:17

FUNNIEST COMMENT EVER

Reply

musicchick1712 | 0

#2395368 - Sunday 24 April 2011 4:11

I see what you did there...

Reply

jskibabe22 | 4

#2401066 - Monday 25 April 2011 5:42

haha, this comment made my day

Reply

horsestarz | 7

#3500318 - Thursday 27 October 2011 22:20

You are fantastic. Day. Made. XD

Reply

iworryaboutyou | 4

#5494527 - Thursday 16 May 2013 18:29

My day has officially been made

By electricthunder | 0

#737053 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:38

big deal its porn. all porn is good!

By figurey | 0

#737070 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:53

it still may have historic value!

By reapfml | 0

#737075 - Saturday 26 December 2009 9:54

YES

By harry1212 | 0

#737091 - Saturday 26 December 2009 10:21

that's actually pretty cool

By tomisbetterthanu | 0

#737105 - Saturday 26 December 2009 11:01

YDI

By skyeyez9 | 24

#737107 - Saturday 26 December 2009 11:04

70's porn: hilarious porn music, hairy beavers, farrah fawcett hair do's. lol

Reply

Lucidium | 0

#3083558 - Thursday 11 August 2011 7:24

All porn music is hilarious