Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers...

By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 04:00

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5708

You deserved it

376

Favorite

Work

White line fever

Nice neighborhood

Hello everyone!

By sadmother - 1/7/2011 23:12 - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31859

You deserved it

12752

Favorite

By RightInTheFace - 12/9/2015 16:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23429

You deserved it

1826

Favorite

By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1620

You deserved it

178

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I'm so lazy, I dread getting up early on days that haven't arrived yet. For stuff I actually like doing, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18152

You deserved it

5158

Favorite

By omgitserika - 18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15904

You deserved it

70927

Favorite

By t.hughes - 1/4/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51515

You deserved it

3667

Favorite

By Reeen - 3/6/2016 22:29 - United States - Pittsboro

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17528

You deserved it

1208

Favorite

By igiveup - 21/12/2012 03:31 - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41852

You deserved it

3889

Favorite

By animal lover... - 5/10/2013 22:34

Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47758

You deserved it

4025

Favorite

By Roses are Red - 7/3/2013 06:07 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I sent a dozen roses and a hand-written, heart-felt note to my ex-girlfriend to show her that I'm still madly in love with her. When I asked if she got the flowers I sent, she replied, "Yeah but you got the wrong color. You should've gotten yellow, that stands for friendship." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36292

You deserved it

13041

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35527

You deserved it

18328

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29424

You deserved it

2537

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/5/2013 05:38 - United States - Livingston

Today, due to my allergies I can't stop sneezing. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I'm getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43072

You deserved it

3840

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 02:45 - United States - Chillicothe

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19627

You deserved it

1242

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47802

You deserved it

4296

Favorite

By thedudeman14 - 5/11/2014 22:21 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35316

You deserved it

3151

Favorite

By mommabuser - 1/7/2012 15:59

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9472

You deserved it

28798

Favorite

By collball22 - 22/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31303

You deserved it

5389

Favorite

By Myriam - 18/6/2012 16:05 - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25743

You deserved it

3387

Favorite

By NoPeeGiven - 14/4/2013 05:10 - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48768

You deserved it

9932

Favorite

By Mel - 27/1/2019 20:00

Today, I found out the guy I was seeing was married, with a kid, when his wife sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2639

You deserved it

289

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/6/2011 00:50 - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37670

You deserved it

8618

Favorite

By Just wanted a cigarette - 31/7/2015 02:06 - United States - Lagrangeville

Today, I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. My wife, who didn't want me to get them, decided it would be a good idea to jump on the hood of the car while I was driving off. She hit the car and fell off. My neighbor saw this. Neither her nor the cops believe me when I say I didn't hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25992

You deserved it

4739

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1836

You deserved it

Favorite

By trackdaddy - 2/5/2017 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4820

You deserved it

368

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1209

You deserved it

274

Favorite

By Smirky - 13/2/2017 02:30 - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6541

You deserved it

1679

Favorite

By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/1/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30347

You deserved it

2819

Favorite

By xrebeccalou - 25/12/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I went to my long-distance boyfriend's party. His best friend was talking to me and trying to make conversation, he asked, "So, are you two official?" I responded with a definite yes, but was cut off mid-word by my boyfriend, who quickly said, "No, not really." Sorry, I wasn't aware, darling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33329

You deserved it

4302

Favorite

By how the fuck did this happen?! - 11/9/2018 04:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3091

You deserved it

377

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27361

You deserved it

49588

Favorite

By Mackdaddy - 7/2/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29958

You deserved it

9029

Favorite

By anonymous2.0 - 12/10/2012 06:15 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24159

You deserved it

3622

Favorite

By A2 - 28/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63854

You deserved it

4953

Favorite

By cock blocked - 22/4/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33008

You deserved it

2450

Favorite

By Aleial - 19/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46325

You deserved it

4031

Favorite

By markyvilla - 15/4/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28750

You deserved it

5971

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 02:00

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Today, one of my UNIVERSITY students submitted an incomplete assignment file to the online learning platform. I emailed him, "You will need to send me the correct file via email, as the system does not accept resubmissions." I literally got as a reply, "So, what do I need to do?" Online teaching is hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1529

You deserved it

144

Favorite

By meantowheels - 21/6/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52185

You deserved it

20035

Favorite

By hdat - 11/6/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72723

You deserved it

16137

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By cakefete2 | 30

#7449889 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:58

This is where you slap him just hard enough and say, "your face should not have been there".

By idk_rose | 25

#7449876 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:18

Use his hand as a coaster for next morning's hot coffee.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7449875 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:13

And your hand shouldn't look so much like an ashtray. This one is on you.

By idk_rose | 25

#7449876 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:18

Use his hand as a coaster for next morning's hot coffee.

By cakefete2 | 30

#7449889 - Saturday 6 May 2017 4:58

This is where you slap him just hard enough and say, "your face should not have been there".

Corner514 | 6

#7449902 - Saturday 6 May 2017 5:39

good job

Alexandria79 | 22

#7449937 - Saturday 6 May 2017 8:17

I really like this answer.

momogal | 22

#7450518 - Sunday 7 May 2017 10:28

You beat me to the punch. Came on here to say something to the effect of "You should've punched him and said 'Your face shouldn't have been there.'" Great minds think alike!