By Anya - 17/12/2016 16:09 - Japan - Fukuoka
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Normally I'm not in favor of physical punishment, but as someone who majored in psych and the behavioral sciences, those studies are heavily flawed and biased, focusing on the two extremes (ie abused vs nurtured children) and ignoring the balanced ones where nurturing and spanking as discipline and not as beatings can go hand in hand. I was spanked as a child when an extreme situation called for it and I'm the highest educated and paid of my peers, most of whom weren't spanked, and i never once snuck around or failed to own up to what i did to my parents largely because being honest usually meant avoiding the spanking, while lying guaranteed it. Now this is just anecdotal evidence which is an argument fallacy in its own right, but my own experience shows there is a proper time and a place for a method of discipline that the undeveloped mind can actually understand. Unfortunately for the OP, it sounds like her kid is way past that age and that ship has sailed. No amount of discipline will help teach her respect now. She'll have to set a strong example and develop a respectful relationship with her daughter to achieve anything at all, but it will never quite be the parent-child relationship that it should have been.
The most prominent way kids learn is through watching the actions of their authorities and mimicking them. So by hitting - because spanking is hitting - them when you're mad and don't like their behaviour, what do you think that's teaching them? It's teaching them to do the same, that hitting others when they're mad at them is acceptable. Mom/dad does it, why can't I? Maybe it's cause I work with kids and respect them as the developing humans that they are, but I find spanking disgusting. I can't hit another fully developed adult, an equal, because that's assault and against the law. But I can hit a child, whose half my size, has half the understanding, is still learning, whose brain is not fully developed to even comprehend certain skills, and who has to trust me with their life because they really have no other option. I'm allowed to hit them? That logic is so fucked up to me. Sorry, but I cannot justify raising kids with the fear that if they do something wrong they get assaulted.
I agree no parent should strike a kid when they are angry, but the good ones don't. Spanking is rarely about anger or acting out frustrations and is more of a teaching tool. According to the parents that often come to me in tears, it's much harder on them than it is the child. If you're inflicting damage out of your own frustrations and instilling fear in them then you aren't spanking them, you're beating them. It's not the same thing. Children aren't adults, biologically or neurologically, and cannot process adult behaviors and acts of respect and learn from them precisely the same way other adults or older adolescents can. Leading by example for a young child requires a far more simplified and over characterized act, something exaggerated that they can understand. Spanking can be used as a teaching tool in this manner without damaging the psyche or their relationships with others, because it is a simple, overcharacterized punishment. That's why I'm of the belief that it is ineffective and demeaning past a certain age of maturity, but is instructive and even beneficial at a smaller age. Again, let me emphasize, it's not about trying to bruise bottoms or relieving frustrations. That's not healthy for anyone.
I got belted when I was a kid, with a branch from an apple tree by my mother, or had pepper shoved down my throat while being held by my brothers. And yep I deserved it every time and did deserve a lot more, basically I was a terror of a child (youngest of six boys), a real little bastard. And no my mother did NOT abuse me and I felt no resentment. And yes it did make a big difference.
I was never spanked as a child, but when i hear about peoples parents who did spank them, it makes me want to hit the parents to do exactly what they were doing and "teaching" them not to have "bad behaviour". Also children, when raised with good parents and have no mental or physical problems, intrinsically are not "bad" and do not attempt to do "bad" things. They just are curious about the world, and emulate the adults in their lives, and sometimes emulate their peers.
those of you who are arguing against spankings probably were not spanked. I was an abused child, cps took me twice, I am an awesome child. I'm 17 and help support the house in the absence of a male. I pay part of the bills and try to help raise my 2 little sisters. They were not spanked and they are terrible. My older sister and i are going to be successful for sure, they have slimmer chances. They also have worse mental health than my big sister and I. I fully support spanking but not beating. Anything closed fisted or leaving bruises on anything but the butt I am against.
#34 if you were an abused child, then why are you saying spanking is good because your younger siblings who supposedly were raised by you and your older sister (at least that is what you seemed to indicate) and thus not spanked are terrible because they weren't spanked. and if your parents are abusive, they probably had no good intentions withi spanking. A potential reason why you and your sister turned out "better" is necessity if you guys had to help raise your younger siblings and pay bills and shit. That teaches responsibility. However, it also robs you of some of your youth/childhood which is unfortunate even if you turned out okay. To me it almost sounds like you are bitter against your younger siblings as they didn't have it as hard as you and your sibling nor does it seem they had any sort of discipline as you say they are "terrIble" and that is partially on you if you truly helped raise them... In any case, the fact you claim to be an abused child yet advocate spanking as the reason you are successful really is troubling me... If you don't have a therapist, which I'd assume you might have an a victim of abuse, then I'd look into getting on as you seem a bit.. idk.. confused about why you are successful in life against the odds of your being abused in the past... as I can assure you it wasn't the spanking then... That's would be a little eff'd up logically.
My mother gave me a TV to put in my room from a very young age. I was too young to have a job so I obviously didn't pay for it myself. At this point I help her pay bills and do chores around the house to make her life easier. Giving kids gifts is not spoiling them, its when the kid is given no boundaries with it that it becomes spoiling.
Now you should take something else. Not sure how old she is but if she has a phone, I'd take that. I've never been so upset with either of my parents that I'd be glad if they hurt themselves.
sounds like she needs a good ol fashion ass beating.