Health: Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners... - FML

By MahSquito - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Tasty!

Fragile

By skiittlez713 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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By n/a - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

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By DeadBroke - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

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By shart - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

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By mikey09 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By Dominic - Canada

Today, as a prank, my friends put a big bucket of water on my door so that it would spill on me as I exited my room. It would have been funny if I hadn't been holding my $900 laptop as I was walking out. FML

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By traumatized4life - United States

Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML

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By madafgf

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

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By Btdtgts

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

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By chi_chia - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

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By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By blasted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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By rent-a-cop - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By Sica - France

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By hnickell93 - United States - Visalia

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Cervignano Del Friuli

Today, I found out that I won't be able to attend my own wedding, because I'll be in a mandatory training class that doesn't allow people to take vacation for any reason. So now we've wasted $10,000, and I can't even fly home for one day. All because I got promoted unexpectedly. FML

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By hopeless cluts - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding the public bus and a really fat, smelly guy sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and asked me if I was single. My stop wasn't for three more miles. FML

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By toe - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went to tell my grandpa, who immediately said, "I'm sorry, let's go get ice cream to cheer you up." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By Billz

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By justlittleoldme - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed 'I Love You'. After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back and said, 'What kind of gun was it?' FML

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Top comments

By bjr1208 | 3

#3999712 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Damn trains come out of nowhere

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3999728 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

+100 for the kindergarteners

COMMENTS

By bjr1208 | 3

#3999712 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Damn trains come out of nowhere

Reply

Pentium_4 | 26

#3999823 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:50

a slow mini train. still funny

Reply

doodfunnyguy | 0

#3999829 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:50

Damn people that can't react to a slow moving train.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#3999875 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:02

WHAT AN ODDLY CLUSTERED... TRAIN SCHEDULE!

Reply

TransitionCovert | 6

#3999901 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:08

*If you look very closely, you can see the train is fake*

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#3999909 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:11

Haha dw OP. im slow too. Infact the other day my brother accidently threw a ball which hit a glass which landed on me and slowly fell to the ground. And i just stared at it as it fell and broke.

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4000010 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:45

did you take the basterfs out, kill bill style

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4000032 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:53

come and ride the traincome ride it

Reply

ciscmowe | 5

#4000189 - Monday 6 February 2012 10:51

How is this an FML? It wasn't a real train

Reply

bjdavey | 8

#4000210 - Monday 6 February 2012 11:06

Comment moderated. Lol jks

Reply

MyCleverName | 2

#4000282 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:02

I like trains

Reply

chlorinegreen | 27

#4000466 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:10

I thought those trains sang music or had a bell or horn. I think you just made the train conductors day OP.

Reply

chili_is_good | 0

#4002521 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 2:35

Splatterkill

Reply

SupahAsian | 4

#4003271 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 4:48

Gotta keep my eyes open... damn trains could swoop down at anytime.

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4007149 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 1:49

Was Denzel Washington trying to stop it?

By snuffle | 3

#3999718 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Choo choooo!

Reply

suxs4ulol | 22

#3999818 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:48

the wheels on the train go round and round, round and round!

Reply

Incredible_92 | 11

#4000299 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:07

Sucks to be choo OP

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4001926 - Monday 6 February 2012 22:20

You need to start training your reflexes.

Reply

ThisIsDCG | 7

#4002305 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 0:49

I like trains.

Reply

Simoneaux17 | 11

#4007378 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 3:05

Curt, Curt, CHOO CHOOOO!!!

By tehslack | 5

#3999719 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

And it was most likely your fault.

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#4000921 - Monday 6 February 2012 16:32

I disagree. Trains move in such unpredictable ways, who knows the path they'll travel???

Reply

tehslack | 5

#4001301 - Monday 6 February 2012 18:58

Perhaps you are right, good sir.

By pdp_fml | 21

#3999725 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Were you so engrossed in the exhibits that you couldn't hear the mini train coming?

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3999728 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

+100 for the kindergarteners

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4000047 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:56

Pedobear approves of your comment

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4000565 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:56

Pedobear approves

By b196315 | 1

#3999731 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

Oh, hope you didn't get hurt

By rochelleh | 11

#3999736 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

At least it wasn't a real train...?

Reply

CockAsian | 14

#3999860 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:59

Well if it were a real train, OP would be in a million little pieces and wouldn't have posted this here FML.

Reply

BlueHue | 0

#4000419 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:59

I believe (and hope) there is FMyLife in heaven...

By bizarre_ftw | 21

#3999738 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

Hey no need to be embarrassed, kindergarteners are mean! Always telling, stealing crayons, rhyming your name with banana! *shudders* you're lucky you got out of there alive

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3999804 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:47

And finger painting.. Oh god the FINGER PAINTING!

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4000439 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:04

And they constantly tease those poor pedophiles..!

Reply

mufc4everch | 2

#4000679 - Monday 6 February 2012 15:09

Too far man

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4002348 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 1:19

MY LEG!!! (spongebob guy)

By DalPozzo13 | 10

#3999746 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:39

It's not like it's hard to miss, blame yourself there

By jtthegr8 | 26

#3999760 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:41

Damn kids... Still, its hard to miss a train, the little ones they have for children are pretty damn visible... And easy to hear

Reply

lifeguardd | 0

#3999945 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:23

I like your picture hahah. I have nothing against homosexuals though.