Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners... - FML

By MahSquito - 6/2/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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Great speech, thanks!

Basic Instinct

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By allergies - 18/9/2015 14:43 - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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By Jason - 14/2/2018 15:00

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By cfaul001 - 29/2/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I got extremely wasted and decided to take a shower with my boyfriend. What seemed like a good and sexy idea turned into us falling and getting wedged in the bathtub. FML

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By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - 17/12/2013 15:38 - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

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By justplainsad - 17/9/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

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By Darcy - 26/10/2011 06:58 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML

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By Lola - 8/8/2010 14:32 - United Kingdom

Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML

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By morningbirdie - 20/9/2020 14:01

Drunk level: 2000

Today, I had to pick up my dad because he was too drunk to drive home. Drive his wheelchair home, that is. FML

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By cookiecutter8 - 6/11/2015 17:15 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

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By sleepingonthetoilet - 28/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Birmingham

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Today, my supervisor locked me in the women's bathroom as I was cleaning it. I heard the owner scolding him, so I waited for the door to open, thinking he got in trouble. It wasn't until I heard the front gate locking that I realized I'm staying the night in the bathroom. FML

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By Arachnofail - 8/4/2016 04:16 - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 01:33 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2010 00:10 - United States

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - 17/12/2014 18:47 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2014 21:29 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

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By poongoon - 13/7/2016 04:11

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

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By Ansharus - 6/6/2016 13:47 - Belgium - Londerzeel

Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML

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By guh - 31/8/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By nicetomeetyou2 - 25/9/2013 16:35 - Canada - Nepean

Today, a drunk man walked into my house at 2pm, screaming out, "Honey, I'm home!" He had the wrong house, but it looks like I've finally met my new neighbour. FML

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By PeeLeg - 11/3/2013 07:43

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By enya - 18/1/2016 22:29 - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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By sillybrohos - 15/2/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I spent 2 minutes struggling to cork a wine bottle for one of my tables only to have them eventually point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML

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By MorganRox26 - 31/12/2010 16:52 - Canada

Today, I was looking through pictures on Facebook. There was a picture of me and my friends with the caption "I love you guys!" below. I had been cropped out. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 05:05 - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

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By Widowmaker - 9/8/2010 04:03 - France

Today, I told my father I registered for the Marines, and that I'm leaving for bootcamp next week. He asked if this means that he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. FML

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By Username - 22/11/2010 22:39

Today, I admitted to my boyfriend of three years that I have been suffering from depression for a while now. He took it as a good time to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 22:07 - Canada - Brampton

Today, while walking to work, I sneezed so violently that I slipped on a patch of ice and hit the ground hard, badly spraining my shoulder. I lay there in agony as a pair of bystanders just stood there, laughing their asses off. FML

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By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2018 01:30

Today, I decided to not hang in the library after school like I usually do. When I got home, I found my father cheating on my mother with my girlfriend, who said she was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from her study abroad a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Nails - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2014 15:57 - United States - Lancaster

Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML

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By stranded - 27/9/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, my friend's van ran out of gas on an expressway off-ramp. After pushing it to the shoulder, we walked to a gas station and got a can of gas. We got back to the van to find that the battery had died from leaving on the lights and hazards to avoid an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

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Top comments

By bjr1208 | 3

#3999712 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Damn trains come out of nowhere

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3999728 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

+100 for the kindergarteners

COMMENTS

By bjr1208 | 3

#3999712 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Damn trains come out of nowhere

Reply

Pentium_4 | 26

#3999823 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:50

a slow mini train. still funny

Reply

doodfunnyguy | 0

#3999829 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:50

Damn people that can't react to a slow moving train.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#3999875 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:02

WHAT AN ODDLY CLUSTERED... TRAIN SCHEDULE!

Reply

TransitionCovert | 6

#3999901 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:08

*If you look very closely, you can see the train is fake*

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#3999909 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:11

Haha dw OP. im slow too. Infact the other day my brother accidently threw a ball which hit a glass which landed on me and slowly fell to the ground. And i just stared at it as it fell and broke.

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4000010 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:45

did you take the basterfs out, kill bill style

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4000032 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:53

come and ride the traincome ride it

Reply

ciscmowe | 5

#4000189 - Monday 6 February 2012 10:51

How is this an FML? It wasn't a real train

Reply

bjdavey | 8

#4000210 - Monday 6 February 2012 11:06

Comment moderated. Lol jks

Reply

MyCleverName | 2

#4000282 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:02

I like trains

Reply

chlorinegreen | 27

#4000466 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:10

I thought those trains sang music or had a bell or horn. I think you just made the train conductors day OP.

Reply

chili_is_good | 0

#4002521 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 2:35

Splatterkill

Reply

SupahAsian | 4

#4003271 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 4:48

Gotta keep my eyes open... damn trains could swoop down at anytime.

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4007149 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 1:49

Was Denzel Washington trying to stop it?

By snuffle | 3

#3999718 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Choo choooo!

Reply

suxs4ulol | 22

#3999818 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:48

the wheels on the train go round and round, round and round!

Reply

Incredible_92 | 11

#4000299 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:07

Sucks to be choo OP

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4001926 - Monday 6 February 2012 22:20

You need to start training your reflexes.

Reply

ThisIsDCG | 7

#4002305 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 0:49

I like trains.

Reply

Simoneaux17 | 11

#4007378 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 3:05

Curt, Curt, CHOO CHOOOO!!!

By tehslack | 5

#3999719 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

And it was most likely your fault.

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#4000921 - Monday 6 February 2012 16:32

I disagree. Trains move in such unpredictable ways, who knows the path they'll travel???

Reply

tehslack | 5

#4001301 - Monday 6 February 2012 18:58

Perhaps you are right, good sir.

By pdp_fml | 21

#3999725 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Were you so engrossed in the exhibits that you couldn't hear the mini train coming?

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3999728 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

+100 for the kindergarteners

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4000047 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:56

Pedobear approves of your comment

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4000565 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:56

Pedobear approves

By b196315 | 1

#3999731 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

Oh, hope you didn't get hurt

By rochelleh | 11

#3999736 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

At least it wasn't a real train...?

Reply

CockAsian | 14

#3999860 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:59

Well if it were a real train, OP would be in a million little pieces and wouldn't have posted this here FML.

Reply

BlueHue | 0

#4000419 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:59

I believe (and hope) there is FMyLife in heaven...

By bizarre_ftw | 21

#3999738 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

Hey no need to be embarrassed, kindergarteners are mean! Always telling, stealing crayons, rhyming your name with banana! *shudders* you're lucky you got out of there alive

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3999804 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:47

And finger painting.. Oh god the FINGER PAINTING!

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4000439 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:04

And they constantly tease those poor pedophiles..!

Reply

mufc4everch | 2

#4000679 - Monday 6 February 2012 15:09

Too far man

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4002348 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 1:19

MY LEG!!! (spongebob guy)

By DalPozzo13 | 10

#3999746 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:39

It's not like it's hard to miss, blame yourself there

By jtthegr8 | 26

#3999760 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:41

Damn kids... Still, its hard to miss a train, the little ones they have for children are pretty damn visible... And easy to hear

Reply

lifeguardd | 0

#3999945 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:23

I like your picture hahah. I have nothing against homosexuals though.