Health: Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners... - FML

By MahSquito - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Vulture

Thanks, dad

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 16:59

Time flies by

Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

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By Courts - Australia - Adelaide

Evil

Today, I had a shift as a carer in a high-rise disability home, and working with a lady whom was once a midwife. She had a toy baby, and was rocking it. When I asked her what she was going to do what the baby so she could come to lunch, she casually threw the baby off the balcony and shrugged. FML

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By MsGlaDos - United States - Austin

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

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By mikej1985 - Canada

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 14:01

Taking sides

Today, after months of not wanting anything to do with her dad, my three-year-old was over her phase. During dinner, I play-shoved my husband and he did it back. Our daughter saw him and now keeps saying, "It’s not nice to push mommy." We’re back to square one. FML

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By lyle - 2/4/2021 08:00

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I had to listen to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea while I watched TV. When she came out of the bathroom, she went white as a sheet. Apparently she thought she was alone. FML

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By fuck family - Poland - Walbrzych

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous

A rock and a hard place

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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By OhNo. - United States

Today, I had a job interview, but I arrived kind of late. I was in so much of a hurry that I hit a woman walking by in the face with the door. I offered to drive her to the hospital. Turns out that she was going to be interviewing me. She didn't offer to reschedule. FML

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By TSampson - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished my SAT and was feeling pretty good about it. I decided to turn on my phone, since it was on silent. As the guy was collecting our tests, my phone vibrated a little. My score was cancelled. It was a text from my mom reminding me to turn off my phone. FML

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By Nohouseforme - United States - Tempe

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

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By omfgnooo - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By popasquat

Today my roommate was taking forever in the shower. I had to pee like crazy. I danced around waiting and waiting. I couldn’t hold it anymore so I snuck out to the backyard to pop a squat. The relief hit me at the same time the realization that our landlord has security camera in the back yard...FML

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By joecool3426 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

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By mmv - United States

Whoops

Today, I took my car into the shop to get a minor problem fixed. I left several hours later, without my car. Why? The mechanic crashed it while out on a test drive to make sure he'd fixed the problem. FML

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By someone - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

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By rowanjusmc - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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By ali927truthh

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By forgotmyownbirthday - United States

Today, I got no happy birthday wishes from anyone. I decided to call my sister to see if she'd remembered. My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday. She said that it's tomorrow. After ten minutes of arguing with a 6-year-old, I checked the calendar. It's tomorrow. FML

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By ButItWasRareDad! - United States - Chicago

Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML

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By betterthanhodor - United Kingdom

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

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By Myself - United States

Today, after a few months of my neighbors friend parking outside his house and honking until he came outside, I happened to be out doing lawn work. I politely screamed "STOP HONKING YOUR F***ING HORN!" To which they responded by moving in front of MY house and holding down their horn. I hate people. FML

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By Rrae

Today, I'm at the ER for my first ever UTI and potential other "down there" issues. Yesterday I got married. FML

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By caitplaysguitar - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

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By DeannaMarie - United States

Today, I found out the gift card my friend gave me for Christmas actually has no money on it and was never purchased in the first place. FML

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By Loveless - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

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By vivelawank - United Kingdom

Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML

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By Temporalvisions - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

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By indefiniteforest - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

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By kraussy - United States

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

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By Becks - 7/9/2020 23:01

The spirit of John Lennon

Today, I found a bug in my bra. Not a huge deal, so I flicked him out. Turns out he was a black blister beetle. I woke to at 3 a.m. to insane pain, as well as the water blisters all over my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

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By yourstruly - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

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By stelssy - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

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Top comments

By bjr1208 | 3

#3999712 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Damn trains come out of nowhere

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3999728 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

+100 for the kindergarteners

COMMENTS

By bjr1208 | 3

#3999712 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Damn trains come out of nowhere

Reply

Pentium_4 | 26

#3999823 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:50

a slow mini train. still funny

Reply

doodfunnyguy | 0

#3999829 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:50

Damn people that can't react to a slow moving train.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#3999875 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:02

WHAT AN ODDLY CLUSTERED... TRAIN SCHEDULE!

Reply

TransitionCovert | 6

#3999901 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:08

*If you look very closely, you can see the train is fake*

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#3999909 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:11

Haha dw OP. im slow too. Infact the other day my brother accidently threw a ball which hit a glass which landed on me and slowly fell to the ground. And i just stared at it as it fell and broke.

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#4000010 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:45

did you take the basterfs out, kill bill style

Reply

Jonkbaby | 20

#4000032 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:53

come and ride the traincome ride it

Reply

ciscmowe | 5

#4000189 - Monday 6 February 2012 10:51

How is this an FML? It wasn't a real train

Reply

bjdavey | 8

#4000210 - Monday 6 February 2012 11:06

Comment moderated. Lol jks

Reply

MyCleverName | 2

#4000282 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:02

I like trains

Reply

chlorinegreen | 27

#4000466 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:10

I thought those trains sang music or had a bell or horn. I think you just made the train conductors day OP.

Reply

chili_is_good | 0

#4002521 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 2:35

Splatterkill

Reply

SupahAsian | 4

#4003271 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 4:48

Gotta keep my eyes open... damn trains could swoop down at anytime.

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#4007149 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 1:49

Was Denzel Washington trying to stop it?

By snuffle | 3

#3999718 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Choo choooo!

Reply

suxs4ulol | 22

#3999818 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:48

the wheels on the train go round and round, round and round!

Reply

Incredible_92 | 11

#4000299 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:07

Sucks to be choo OP

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4001926 - Monday 6 February 2012 22:20

You need to start training your reflexes.

Reply

ThisIsDCG | 7

#4002305 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 0:49

I like trains.

Reply

Simoneaux17 | 11

#4007378 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 3:05

Curt, Curt, CHOO CHOOOO!!!

By tehslack | 5

#3999719 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

And it was most likely your fault.

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#4000921 - Monday 6 February 2012 16:32

I disagree. Trains move in such unpredictable ways, who knows the path they'll travel???

Reply

tehslack | 5

#4001301 - Monday 6 February 2012 18:58

Perhaps you are right, good sir.

By pdp_fml | 21

#3999725 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:37

Were you so engrossed in the exhibits that you couldn't hear the mini train coming?

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3999728 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

+100 for the kindergarteners

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4000047 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:56

Pedobear approves of your comment

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#4000565 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:56

Pedobear approves

By b196315 | 1

#3999731 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

Oh, hope you didn't get hurt

By rochelleh | 11

#3999736 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

At least it wasn't a real train...?

Reply

CockAsian | 14

#3999860 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:59

Well if it were a real train, OP would be in a million little pieces and wouldn't have posted this here FML.

Reply

BlueHue | 0

#4000419 - Monday 6 February 2012 12:59

I believe (and hope) there is FMyLife in heaven...

By bizarre_ftw | 21

#3999738 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:38

Hey no need to be embarrassed, kindergarteners are mean! Always telling, stealing crayons, rhyming your name with banana! *shudders* you're lucky you got out of there alive

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3999804 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:47

And finger painting.. Oh god the FINGER PAINTING!

Reply

ALpein | 0

#4000439 - Monday 6 February 2012 13:04

And they constantly tease those poor pedophiles..!

Reply

mufc4everch | 2

#4000679 - Monday 6 February 2012 15:09

Too far man

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4002348 - Tuesday 7 February 2012 1:19

MY LEG!!! (spongebob guy)

By DalPozzo13 | 10

#3999746 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:39

It's not like it's hard to miss, blame yourself there

By jtthegr8 | 26

#3999760 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:41

Damn kids... Still, its hard to miss a train, the little ones they have for children are pretty damn visible... And easy to hear

Reply

lifeguardd | 0

#3999945 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:23

I like your picture hahah. I have nothing against homosexuals though.