Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML
Today, I went to a party and met a guy who was super charming. We hit it off, and he seemed really into me. After talking for a while, he leaned in for a kiss, and I thought, "This is it!" But instead of a kiss, he just sniffed my hair, then said, "Wow, you smell just like my mom!" FML
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
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Top comments
DoggyDoggWorld 0
"his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas" Where the hell do you find these expressions?
AliceIsCurious 6
So that's where he is! Kindly tell my father to come home and take his meds.
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Comments (186)
Adz83 3
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Harsh much?
genesisnirvana 11
What exactly does a corpse's shoe face look like?
morganrules123 10
You should have told him that you were Harry's half-sister and that you didn't like him spreading lies about the royal family.
StoryOfTheYear 14
Time for French Fries now!
Shadow_Phantom 26
-Mistell-
josebeto1 6
Aw cmon OP. He may be ugly, his breath may be horrid, and he may be a liar but.... Oh god damnit
nonelikeworms 0
I love the metaphors and imagery :)
EvilPotato 14
‘Satan's ass gas,’ I am so using that.
dre_bro11 12
16, better yet, what does 'satan's ass gas' smell like?
alliewillie 22
I am truly failing to see how your life is f*cked because a smelly guy talked to you in line at the post office. When did this site go from genuinely awful/funny/ironic stories to whiny bitches complaining about the most mundane things? Everyone has had to talk to someone with bad breath - somehow the rest of us are carrying on our lives.
EvilPotato 14
18 hey I take offense you must be the spawn of ‘SATAN'S ASS GAS,' yes! I used that sentence.
HowAreYouToday 34
Period.
Wtf91101 3
Best written F My Life ever! Satans ass gas!!! Love it! Stealing it!
Pixxio_O 11
If I were you, I would propose to him right then
Keyman1212 14
This FML was annoying as **** to read, with all the quaint simile's you're throwing around.
Sacurason 0
So...did his face have the Nike symbol inscribed on it?
firefighter_mike 1
You're an idiot.
DoomSkuller 28
#60 6-month-old, moldy rotten eggs mixed with elephant manure and burning corpses.
Shadow_Phantom 26
That's not a nice thing to say about Satan. Jerk. :/
josebeto1 6
I would've first taken this comment as sarcasm but.. Idk anymore...
Iamnotmyself 17
-2 I'm sorry for being unfunny for a minute, but, why do you choose to worship a deity that is self proclaimed evil? Do you find no problem with that? Or am I missing the point? I believe most likely a god does not exist, but do not completely dismiss some ideas of him. So why, is that your belief?
Shadow_Phantom 26
I'm going to just message you through the PM system about this; though I'll say here, you ARE missing the point. That, and He is not evil... or a monster. :D
StoryOfTheYear 14
But of course He's just a misunderstood child with a bad background of ******* over all of human life since the beginning of time Crazy to think I've been wrong about him my whole life
Shadow_Phantom 26
Please just PM me about this... otherwise they might shut down the FML comments. >:
josebeto1 6
.
DropDead77 11
This is hilarious!
eminemchick 19
how did a period get nine thumbs up? impressive :O
theaws0m3guy 4
Don't sass bout mah ass gass ya trash
1221jamw 11
.
alphatoomega 21
It isn't funny twice.
sweetheartxoxo88 7
Which psych ward did he escape from?
Hi_I_am_Q 0
The same one Hannibal Lector escaped from...
xlord 27
Is it just me or does satan's ass gas sound like a hardcore band?....... Just me okay...
Sassybq1 13
Hannibal Lector FTW!!!!
Xx_Dakota_xX 1
OP how do u know what satins ass smells like??
WellThatSucksMaj 0
Damn I hope you got his number!
skata 4
78- I imagine since that satin is a fabric, it wouldn't smell that bad, unless Satan happened to put his ass gas on it.
Xx_Dakota_xX 1
It was a typo srry :|
bizarre_ftw 21
Dakota & skata: you guys are funny as Shit!!!! XD no ******* joke! Thank You for being alive!!!!!! XD!!!!!
satph 12
36- actually i think it sounds like that too
AliceIsCurious 6
So that's where he is! Kindly tell my father to come home and take his meds.
MrleClochard 4
Nah. Way too funny FML to bring him in already.
lakaiskate 12
I like OP figurative language. Helped me visualise this man.
helloimjoshlol 0
lmao : )
abes22 0
that's my dad.
SteveTheJanitor 6
that's not funny
eminemchick 19
that's all for now, folks.
Shadow_Phantom 26
YDI for saying rude things about Satan.
DoggyDoggWorld 0
"his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas" Where the hell do you find these expressions?
fuckmrsoftee 0
i know right the rest of it was funny and then the last partwas a huge turn off.
IndiRae 9
And the rest you were turned ON by? I think that you might have pretty big problems, buddy.
shortystop16 0
Ikr!!
sandyandellie 5
lol he sounds really sexy, to me.
hotpinkpepsi 6
u took the words right out of my mouth
blackarrow_fml 7
I think I'm in love with your descriptive abilities :)
Iamnotmyself 17
I had the liberty of smelling Satan's ass gas. I had 3 heart attacks at the same time and instantly caught on fire. So that's the FML part!
yamatelle 19
How in the name of Satan's ass crack did you get out of this one alive?!?!
Iamnotmyself 17
-40 Same thing I do every time, rape the damn thing... Satan was harder to rape than usual but it turned out ok.
StopDropNRoll 11
Climbed his way out of the farthest depths of hades?
StopDropNRoll 11
Or I could be wrong and he could just pull a bin Ladin (like in south park ^_^)
yamatelle 19
You've got some great survival techniques! I think we could all learn from you.
Iamnotmyself 17
-49 Bro, when you're a prostitute, you have to learn these things.
nerdfighteria 7
46- . . . Hades is the God of the Underworld, not the underworld itself.
SinfulTragedy 19
86 you can refer to the place as Hades or the underworld. The god of the underworld is also called Hades :)
fayettie 3
Also I think its Saddam Hussain who ***** Satan on south park.
jasminea 0
being friends with a prince could be very useful... go on