Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 16:13 - Netherlands

Today, a girl I met recently asked if I wanted to go jogging with her, and I excitedly agreed. A while into our run, I ran out of breath and doubled over panting, all while she kept jogging and slowly disappeared down the street. What a way to spend time together. FML

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Proactive

Understandable

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By NeverEndingBathtime_ - 3/8/2017 20:00

Today, my 2 year old is being potty trained. He got the gist of it and actually did #1 and #2 in the potty and after our little celebratory dance, I went to get him a cookie (it took me 2 seconds). I come back to see him covered in shit and pee because he tried to go empty the potty himself. FML

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By Lilahpaints - 22/10/2019 18:00

My Baby Boy

Today, twelve days after stomach surgery, I birthed a left behind, forgotten blood-stained stinky surgical swab from my vagina. I have no idea why it was there in the first place. I feel violated. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 14:00

Libel

Today, my friends told me that my girlfriend of over a year and a half refers to me on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat as "the monster I can't get rid of." FML

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By part time all the time - 23/6/2013 04:37 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - 21/7/2015 06:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By Keyser Soze - 17/1/2017 09:56

Today, I was cleaning out the cabinets under my kitchen sink and I farted with such force that my dog thought someone was knocking at the door. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - 6/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I bought a treadmill as part of my goal to get fit for summer. It doesn't look like it's going to get much use, seeing as how I sprained my ankle trying to get it in my doorway. FML

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By monsterinlaw - 23/8/2011 14:51 - United States

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

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By me - 25/1/2012 03:40 - Canada

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By rowanjusmc - 26/10/2011 04:31 - United States

Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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By ICallBullshxt - 18/3/2017 20:00

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By pwndbykidz - 9/8/2009 23:54 - Canada

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

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By badluckdrew - 1/5/2009 14:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML

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By Pooper scooper - 28/1/2014 08:22 - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

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By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

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By munnyfish - 7/11/2009 07:16 - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

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By unwanted daughter - 2/7/2014 15:54 - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

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By Anyonehiring - 28/6/2016 01:05 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

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By dancerr2210 - 9/6/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By sexyswollen - 24/10/2009 17:14 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

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By imnotacheateryouimmaturefuck - 27/11/2012 01:41 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by throwing my stuff out of his place, and accusing me of cheating while yelling, "Cheater, cheater! Pumpkin eater!" When I tried explaining that I have no clue what he's talking about, he started exclaiming, "Liar, liar! Pants on fire!" FML

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By skywayavenue - 19/3/2009 05:09 - Canada

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

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By Snowtoe - 14/1/2017 14:00

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By not drunk - 21/7/2020 08:01

And I oop

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

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By facingit - 8/11/2010 10:32 - Australia

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

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By imnotTHATlonely - 18/5/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, two of my cousins sat me down and said they wanted to give me an early Birthday present. With straight faces, they look at me and say: "we signed you up for eHarmony, and paid for 12 months." Not only do my cousins think I need help finding a boyfriend, but they think it take a year. FML

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By STOPattheSIGNbitch - 5/4/2020 08:00

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 13/8/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By Falouila - 17/12/2008 07:15 - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2014 16:37 - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By Dasani - 16/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

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Top comments

By Donat96 | 20

#5567516 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:52

She probably saw you had low stamina and assumed it would probably be the same in the bedroom.

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5567509 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:51

There you have it! Motivation to get into better shape.
Or, she's just not a very good wingman and you shouldn't bother.
Either way, FYL.

COMMENTS

By TorturedXeno | 27

#5567509 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:51

There you have it! Motivation to get into better shape.
Or, she's just not a very good wingman and you shouldn't bother.
Either way, FYL.

Reply

queendeadjesters | 2

#5567573 - Saturday 6 July 2013 3:14

She wasn't worth it anyway if she just left you there.

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5567676 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:56

Well she did leave him breathless.

Reply

gidgiddonihah | 11

#5567898 - Saturday 6 July 2013 7:04

Agreed. It was pretty rotten to leave him behind. Definitely not worth it.

Reply

omg36 | 7

#5567968 - Saturday 6 July 2013 8:28

Damn it. I loved 38s comment so much I tried to thumb it up, but thumbed it down. Sorry #38

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5568578 - Saturday 6 July 2013 21:37

I definitely forgive you! It was an honest mistake.

By Rainbow_sparkles | 7

#5567510 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:51

she ditched ya

Reply

truesarrif | 33

#5567631 - Saturday 6 July 2013 4:17

was he hallucinating that she disappeared or that she was there in the first place?

By zandalee | 19

#5567513 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:51

Get fit chasing her! Brilliant excuse to start running.

Reply

Wowxoxo | 17

#5568008 - Saturday 6 July 2013 9:14

Get in shape and stare at her ass!

By kee_breezy32 | 34

#5567514 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:51

time to get in shape ! (;

Reply

xlord | 27

#5567584 - Saturday 6 July 2013 3:25

OP is in shape. Round is a shape ;)

By Donat96 | 20

#5567516 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:52

She probably saw you had low stamina and assumed it would probably be the same in the bedroom.

By ZeroPath5 | 16

#5567521 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:53

Time to work on that cardio! Remember, it's all about mentality!

By thatgirlincali | 13

#5567524 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:54

She's just trying to motivate you to get fit.

By Wizardo | 33

#5567525 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:54

Turn the next few months into a Rocky-esque training montage and meet up with her again, only this time you keep up and climb those stairs at the end like a champ!

By septembers_over_fml | 3

#5567527 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:55

Well atleast you got to see how ugly her personality is sooner rather then later.

By lspartz | 6

#5567530 - Saturday 6 July 2013 2:56

Well there's one way to go on a first date with someone!