Miscellaneous: Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice... - FML

By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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Serious times

The grudge

Marxism intensifies

By Anonymous - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

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By erectioninfection - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

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By dumbassgrad - United States - El Monte

Today, I accidentally left my textbook at home. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but today was my class final. Since it was an open-book final, I'd decided not to study for it. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I finally got my laptop back after my friend broke it a few weeks ago. As I walked back into our place with my laptop in my bag, the same friend burst out and tackled me. My bag fell and slammed into the floor. Guess who has to pay for another repair. FML

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By RaveCharlie - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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By Beewwwbs - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By coveredupforfun - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I saw my co-worker write about how awful Muslims were and how the religion is stupid, the hijab is oppressive, and how they're a poison on society. When I questioned them about it, they pretty much said that I didn't know anything and should stop talking. I'm Muslim and a hijabi. FML

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By Merserve - 9/7/2020 02:00

Shackled

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

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By Upfront - United States - Denver

Today, I confronted my very passive-aggressive roommate about taking out the trash. With a smug smile, she insisted that I should write her a letter if I want to argue. FML

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By ThrewItOntheGrooooooound - Denmark - Odense

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

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By WhoDoYouLove6208 - United States

Today, it was my 19th birthday. My boss let me out early to celebrate. On my way home I was hit by a man doing 65 in a 40mph stretch of road. My car was completely destroyed. I spent the rest of my birthday sitting in the ER being treated for a pinched shoulder nerve and whiplash. FML

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By imaloser - Canada

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Grovetown

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

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By alycion

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 08:19

Rock Bottom Riser

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

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By apowell5 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

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By WaltTheFuckDad - United States - Salida

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

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By OiVey - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By Socklessandsmelly - United States

Today, after 7 hours on my feet at work, my boyfriend picked me up. Relieved, I took off my shoes. Suddenly, he looked up and sniffed asking,"are those your feet?" I had forgotten to put on socks in my rush to work. He made me put my shoes back on and sit in the back, windows open. FML

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By scared for life - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By pornstorebitch

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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By Rosie - Germany - Wesel

Today, I woke up to the sight of my boyfriend playing a game on my iPhone with his penis. FML

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By how the fuck did this happen?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

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By Baegel - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

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By justwow - United Kingdom

Today, I must be the only person who has been taking the contraceptive pill for six years without ever needing to use it as a contraceptive. FML

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By AngelAshley - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

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By shut up. - New Zealand

Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turns to me and says in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML

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By Baileyy - United States

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

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By fatpooch - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

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By John jacob - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

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By Closingwild - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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By superdriver - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

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By myparentsarehoes - Canada

Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML

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Top comments

By lifeftl | 0

#65267 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:20

man your mom is an awesome cockblock

By bioclock | 0

#65264 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:19

Oh my god. What?

COMMENTS

By bioclock | 0

#65264 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:19

Oh my god. What?

Reply

tri1sometime22 | 0

#3634068 - Friday 25 November 2011 5:06

Haha that stinks!!!! Hope u can show your face in public again ;)

Reply

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3826209 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 23:28

Haha #1 had the same reaction as me I totally agree

Reply

lmaouloser | 5

#4925711 - Thursday 13 September 2012 0:16

Stopped*

Reply

Emma Marshall | 19

#7681660 - Friday 24 August 2018 3:14

Yeah it's horrible that people now know she has periods.... what will she ever do....

By rachelsantixo | 1

#65265 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:19

awwww im sorry

By dudewithface | 0

#65266 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:19

Ouch, embarrassing
He shouldn't care too much about it though. After all, all girls have periods.

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#1777097 - Wednesday 1 December 2010 5:06

no they don't

By lifeftl | 0

#65267 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:20

man your mom is an awesome cockblock

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#831988 - Sunday 7 February 2010 3:14

I wonder what she's like at home

Reply

Captain_Obvious2_fml | 6

#2486837 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 3:59

awesome and cockblock should not be in the sane sentence unless with the name Paris Hilton involved

Reply

shadowrider879 | 4

#5756950 - Saturday 16 November 2013 23:27

Literally

By sarah8909 | 0

#65271 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

So many FMLs just recycling other ones lately...and not even waiting a while between them. I mean, gutted if that really happened, but I don't believe it did.

By nafiul93 | 0

#65273 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

oh shit that sucks!!

By mf_fml | 0

#65275 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:21

"period pants"
hahaha, yessssss!

By effevery1slife | 0

#65276 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:22

thats pretty amusing... i wish i could have seen the dudes face after hearing that

By mariposa25 | 0

#65281 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:23

This is where you learn if he has a sense of humor or not. And if you do for that matter.

By lubby_fml | 0

#65285 - Saturday 28 March 2009 20:24

Haha, owned....

#7 took the words right out of my mouth, lol.