Sex, Roommate, Lonely and Intimacy: That old chestnut

That old chestnut

By foreveralone - 24/09/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 807

You deserved it 23 512

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Same thing different taste

By djoe - 28/10/2010 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 882

You deserved it 6 314

Twins

By rufusthepenis - 02/10/2011 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 314

You deserved it 4 846

Comedian

By WoofWoof - 27/09/2020 14:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 416

By Anonymous - 01/05/2017 20:42

Today, I came home to yet another kitten. My girlfriend swore to me this would never happen again. When I reminded her of her promise, she told me the kitten will be staying, and she wants me to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 904

You deserved it 1 135

I did not consent to this under my roof

By CatBlock - 31/01/2014 06:16 - United States - Decatur

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cockblocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 351

You deserved it 8 008

By Acne_problems - 22/02/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 985

You deserved it 261

By grizzlybear - 27/06/2011 05:55 - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I had a penis, our relationship would be better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 150

You deserved it 6 990

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 930

You deserved it 7 318

By Anonymous - 25/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 982

You deserved it 28 063

Sick move, bro

By jlw1998 - 25/04/2016 04:36 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 492

You deserved it 4 506

CheeseTron 15

Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:49

Don't listen to her. More pussy is always the answer.

nelds 12

Tuesday 25 September 2012 8:48

Why not have both?

Comments

onorexveritas 23

Tuesday 25 September 2012 18:43

yeah, you come off as a cat lady

cynical4life 4

Tuesday 25 September 2012 19:10

She's right.. Take the advice

CeeCee_fml 16

Tuesday 25 September 2012 19:36

So, you need more dick in your life because you want to own a pet? There must be a lot of people not getting any then.

Arcangel196 0

Tuesday 25 September 2012 19:40

Hahaha lameo

monkiki62 5

Tuesday 25 September 2012 19:40

A penis is nowhere near as cute as a cat. Get the cat op

mosquito19 14

Tuesday 25 September 2012 20:43

yes, you do

Hellbound_Alleee 14

Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:00

Don't sweat it. She's just a sexist idiot. Self-hating women usually end up pregnant and single.

valrdjem 2

Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:31

I usually don't comment, but that was pretty funny.

outoftown 26

Tuesday 25 September 2012 21:57

OP's roommate just didn't want a cat, and used a put-down as an excuse. Time for a new roomate, if OP really wants a cat.

jordanhraye 18

Tuesday 25 September 2012 22:33

What's a flatmate?

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The Top

Today, I came back from school camp and really had to go to the toilet. I ran to the nearest one, which was by the principal's office. After I finished, I tried to flush the button. Turns out the water was turned off so it wouldn't flush. I bolted. The principal is now stuck with my unwanted present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 161

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 800

You deserved it 21 260

The Top

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 358

You deserved it 501

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 449

You deserved it 4 090

Today, my girlfriend of two years took offense to a "That's what she said joke", and blew up, saying she doesn't like those jokes. She thinks that she is the "She" of the jokes every time I guess. I tried explaining how the jokes work, but she wouldn't believe me. She says that I'm just lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 376

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 671

You deserved it 20 985

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 478

You deserved it 11 753

Today, it's been a week since the last time I talked to the person I care about the most. We've been fighting for 2 months and he hasn't even opened the last message I sent him. I went completely radio silent as part of a bet, because others are convinced that he'll miss me. I don't think he's noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 1 130