Technique
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML
Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML
Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we'd just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we were out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML
Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML
Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML
Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML
Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
brokenly 5
My comment sucks.
LiterOfCola 16
I'd say ask her for a ******** but...
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (304)
brokenly 5
My comment sucks.
Warden1986 16
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
So why then, even post this? Don't you know there's hundreds of newbs that want to say first, or get the first comment. Now you just pop there bubble.
JurassicHole 5
1 - I appreciate your honesty, +1 thumbs up from me.
fylx100 19
I thumbed him up when his original comment just said "Sucks." because I thought it was a pun. As in, ask for a bj. I guess not. Lol
gc327072 31
Is this a mod prank? Like that thing on the sirinz website, where they changed "I don't get it" into "I don't get it, but then again I do have the iq of a glass of water. Wee-woo!"
SirEBC 7
What are you talking about?! Mods don't do that!
GoddamnBatman 7
@1 This comment made me laugh, it's a lot better than the usual stupid topcomments like: "LOL THAT SUCKS" , "FYL" or something like that. Thumb up from me.
thatKidzmOm 10
I'm assuming the mod gods got him. :)
guy24 9
Then do not click send...
gc327072 31
91- I put something similar to your comment and now it's gone! Careful, everyone, big brother is watching! O.O
LiterOfCola 16
I saw 1's original comment. I believe it read "Shitty."
gc327072 31
OH C'MON! Two replies, both get deleted by the mods?!?! Bastards!
dominic1221 6
No it didn't, it said "sucks."
AKGirlinSD 20
1, your comment doesn't suck. However, the girl owes the guy at least a bj for ruining the sex and forcing you to watch soap operas!
THATguy0698 4
Nothin wrong wit sayin sucks
gmc_blossom 21
176- Nothing wrong with actually spelling things right either.
tattoo88 4
If your comment sucks why put one up? Were you in that big of a rush to get the first comment?
ghostlilac 25
Do I detect any editing from the mods on 1's comment...?
theluckyones 10
Lol it's funny that no one in this thread got 1's joke..
zango1 15
If she ripped the condom with her teeth a bj could be asking for trouble.
andrew6p 19
Some of us did get it and others didnt. Thumbs up from me 1
LiterOfCola 16
I'd say ask her for a ******** but...
sux4u121 10
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I suspect one may have an STD, because otherwise they most likely would have gone oral instead of immediatly going to the soap opera.
Zomg_Okay 27
Or maybe they just don't like doing oral, 31. I know, people have different tastes! Shocking, isn't it?
nogood9 4
I bet if they did oral she would rip his dick with her teeth too.
Chris455 8
2 sort of already covered that......
kbtoyz69 9
or anal...
LiterOfCola 16
51's comment is what my comment was implying
iOceanus 18
**********.
chokefrantic 9
31: your comment has 69 thumbs down. I find this amusing.
Drigr 9
Just cause youre having sex doesn't mean the handies have to stop.. Better than blue balled watchin' soaps.
1happymummy 14
Without a condom?
onlychildFTW 34
I'd ask her for a ********. And if she said no. I'd just pull it out and have fun with my hand.
crystalxa 35
That's why you're always supposed to have a back-up! You could have just ran to the store and bought more. Or I can think of a few other things you two could have done to eachother!
xInwex 12
Couldn't you have just gone and bought more instead of sitting there watching tv?
CrewBoy 10
Go get more and pick up the pill while they're at it. Condoms suck.
Curiousmaknae 5
"Its hard to shop for condoms with a.. Boner!" ♪
hatesfate 6
33 - you do that and when you have genital warts and the clap you too can have your own FML!
SirCharles83 13
100- it does say girlfriend though.
CrewBoy 10
My girlfriend is on the pill and I can tell you that it is 100% better. And it's less chance of pregnancy. But if you're not in a monogamous relationship don't do it obviously.
Drigr 9
Forgive me if I'm wrong and switching what I think are facts around, but isnt it condoms are 99% effective (if used correctly/they don't rip/etc) and the pill is only like 75-90% effective?
CrewBoy 10
204 the pill is 99.9% effective. Condoms are 96-97%. Ignore the thumbs down. They don't mean I'm wrong. I am 100% sure that I am correct.
CrewBoy 10
Both of those rates are if used correctly.
klovely22 13
The pills are only affective if taken correctly. That means taking them at the same time, everyday. Maybe you should do a little research to compare condoms to birth control pills.
CrewBoy 10
219, Read my comment above you before you criticize me. I know how to use the pill. Well, I know how a WOMAN should use the pill. And yes I know that if used CORRECTLY the pill is 99-99.9% effective. While condoms, IF USED CORRECTLY are 96-97% effective. Against PREGNANCY.
doodlecloud 27
219 - he did say 'if used correctly'. They always used to say condoms were better than the pill (pregnancy-wise not std-wise) in health class because of that very reason. 'Oh, but not everyone takes it correctly.' I always thought it was the dumbest thing ever. 'Um, well if you're not taking it correctly then you're not properly on the pill are you? Don't blame a pill because YOU can't take it at the right time.' The pill is perfectly around 99% effective (supposedly anyways - pills vary) but OBVIOUSLY that only applies if you actually follow the rules instead of sticking 5 in and thinking that'll do you for the next week or whatever people do...
doodlecloud 27
Beaten. Seriously though, I really cannot comprehend why people even bother to point out 'but only if taken correctly'. If you can't follow the instructions properly then you probably shouldn't be on the pill. It's like saying 'condoms are 96% percent effective' (or whatever the number is) and someone saying 'oh, but that's only IF you wear them on your **** and not your hand'. WELL NO S***.
Drigr 9
"If used correctly" is put in there because not all women take it at the EXACT same time of day. If you happen to be in the shower or driving or whatever when that magical time hits, are you telling me you'd drop everything for the pill?
doodlecloud 27
I think it's generally accepted that 'the same time each day' does not have to be the same precise second. I'd say within about an hour is fine, though obviously, as close as possible is best. I think the official guidance for the one I'm on atm is within 3 hours. The one I was on before was about 6 hours. Still, even if you DID have to take it at the exact same time each day then, yes, I would make sure I did so because if I'm going to rely on something as birth control, I'm not going to muck around and takey chances. It's not really that difficult, you just plan to take them at a convenient time. Most people I know have an alarm set on their phone for when they wake up, at lunchtime, or before they go to bed, whichever is easiest/more convenient. If I couldn't promise myself that I couldn't take it at around the same time each day then I wouldn't use the pill, because what would be the point?
fucking_dev 2
221 is right ..... I guarantee more guys will **** up by putting a condom on rather than a girl swallowing a pill everyday .. girls seem to be good at swallowing things ....
Drigr 9
And I guarantee more girls say they're taking the pill when they aren't than guys who say they have a condom on and don't. At least with a guy their's physical proof.
CrewBoy 10
231. You have lost the argument. The pill is more effective. FACT. Good night.
Drigr 9
232, I was no longer continuing an argument. But you are a bit of an ass. FACT. Good night.
ViviMage 40
219 - that's a mini pill, or progesterone only, that has to be taken the same time each day to be effective. Combination birth control pills can be taken any time of the day and still work. Even if you skip a pill (though not recommended).
Averance 8
I have two relatives who were on the pill and took them correctly everyday no problem. Both eventually got pregnant. The pill eventually stops working or your body gets too used to it and needs a stronger one.
iCake 13
232 what about bad things? Like aids and etc? How can the pill prevent that?
doodlecloud 27
273 - He already stated that he was suggesting using them ONLY if OP was in a strong, monogamous relationship. True, there's always the risk of someone cheating but you kind of have to trust your partner when in a serious relationship. You can't be super paranoid through the whole relationship or, if you wanted to, you'd never be able to start a family (not naturally anyway).
lwm 4
Are we talking birth control or STD prevention? The pill is way more effective than condoms as birth control. Condoms are way more effective than nothing as birth control. But condoms beat everything in terms of STD prevention. Except female condoms - they protect even more (and are in the news - new designs coming out....do they have a ribbed version for the guy's pleasure?)
magicman13 9
Lol
crazy4books23 13
What kind of person doesn't have several condoms in case stuff like this happens
rattusrattus 19
People who are very, very poorly prepared.
hatesfate 6
78 - they had a condom. They're prepared more than many others. ;)
kay71095 9
What kind of person can't get a handjob or *******? Sex isn't the only thing to pleasure yourself
rattusrattus 19
101 - They should have prepared many condoms, some lube, and an independant mobile power supply. Then, and only then, do you have all the materials for sex. :P
omg36 7
She obviously doesn't know anything about condoms though otherwise she would've known not opening the condom wrapper with your teeth is like #1 rule. She probably would've put it on inside out too.
SmallBean 12
The kind of people who have to resort to using saran wrap?
Zeppelin1969 5
You have a girlfriend? Definitely FYL then. For sure.
CorruptAngel920 18
What's wrong with having a girlfriend?
HanaFML 10
And I bet this is why YOUR single..
gc327072 31
114- And I see that YOU'RE not good at grammar.
nogood9 4
I do really good at grammar.
Zeppelin1969 5
This is sarcasm. I understand that it's hard to recognize over the Internet, but I tried to make it as obvious as possible. The exact point is, OP wants people to think his life sucks, but he has a girlfriend, which is GOOD. I don't see how this persons life sucks in any way at all, given what he has posted.
Posthuman 26
145 is right. I mean, although it's great, sex isn't everything. If OP is basing his relationship on how much sex he gets, I'd say it's more of an **** Her Life for having a sex craved doucher
zoeerm 4
jdjdjgsn
80skid 15
I'm probably going to get shit for this but.... *you're
jvmateo 0
Nothing...ABSOLUTELY nothing at all.
t765234 10
128- Superman does good, you do well.
naughtylez82 4
**** on her face
BeforeItWasCool 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
One word for you, my friend: Anal. (If you're both clean of disease that is)
CorruptAngel920 18
Don't know about you, but I don't care how clean someone is. I'm not sticking my penis in anyone's pooper.
BlowinChronic 18
What the actual ****?
Zomg_Okay 27
The sperm doesn't just say "**** this shit, I'm going south" and move down towards the ******, 37. It gets there by accident, not by design.
CrewBoy 10
37 is a prime example of what America's sex Ed system can do to children.
SammyS2012 21
Uh, what the heck? You do realize the anus and the ****** are two separate tracts, right? They're not connected. Unless the man pulled out of the anus and ejaculated, the sperm could not enter the ******.
hatesfate 6
So you didn't mean to say your entire post? Just say it with me, "Sorry guys I'm a fail"
kay71095 9
Actually if sperm goes into the rectum, you can get more diseases that way too, and you can get life threatening infections.
gracehi 33
Anal hurts. I have a perfectly good ******, dammit!
dwc2134 5
Someone either didn't use enough lube, or you're probably not comfortable enough with the idea to relax enough to relax your sphincter, which will help to insure it is pain free and enjoyable. If its painful, something is wrong. Despite what many people think, anal should not be painful if done correctly.
nancyschmancy 9
Spoken like a pitcher and not a catcher!
timberwolf408 7
guess who's missing out! any hole's a goal!
gracehi 33
Vaginal sex hurts sometimes...and that's what a ****** is for! My bung hole has only one purpose, and that is to provide an exit for my shit. It's not an entrance for a flesh rod.
SammyS2012 21
I'm genuinely wondering why I was buried. Can someone tell me?
nancyschmancy 9
Sammy, you were buried because you did not conform. You Rock!
illmatic2 16
I always have a boner when I watch a soap opera. That's normal, right?
UncleMuscles 5
I couldn't imagine watching them any other way.
flockz 20
Yes, completely. i feel like one of the Young and the Restless everytime it happens to me. Although, last time i popped one in front of All My Children, but i told them that it was ok to act Bold and Beautiful, but i was admitted to a General Hospital anyway. boners during soap operas.... just normal Days of Our Lives.
DocBastard 40
Damn you mods for limiting our ability to thumb up comments like flockz's once. Damn you.
ICastillo 25
Have you seen the Mexican ones (Novelas) dang all the women smoking hot I swear.. You'll have a boner by the opening credits.
KeannaLove 32
#54- Best comment I've seen on this site in a long time. If I could repeatedly thumb you up, I would!
smallshaft 10
This made my day. Best comment on FML
agonydrum 7
12, I hate your profile picture
Warden1986 16
This why when all else fails, there's always your hand. Sad but true.
SystemofaBlink41 27
Why sad?? Who knows you better than your hand?