By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 17:00

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2029

You deserved it

214

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There's no helping some people

Late term

Jonah begs to differ

By Justme - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60529

You deserved it

3845

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By LaurahLunatic - United States

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29038

You deserved it

6000

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By ugh - United States - Easthampton

Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad came to drive me home. On the way back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55903

You deserved it

26752

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By Takuma - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a few of my friends, including an old ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend of 5 years. When my ex, whose virginity I had taken years earlier, mentioned, "I had the iPhone first," without thinking, I immediately responded, "Well, I had YOU first." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21521

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11083

You deserved it

36794

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29748

You deserved it

3149

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By greenhide8 - United States

Today, I was playing at a bingo hall, when I got a bingo for $50. I got so excited that I accidentally yelled, "Holy fuck!" They kicked me out. I didn't get the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19969

You deserved it

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By JoeyTheJedi - United States - Batesville

Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's been a death in the family, then abruptly hangs up. I speed home, to find my mother holding the tiny corpse of a fish that she got 2 weeks ago. I got fired for being late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15296

You deserved it

1307

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20102

You deserved it

2411

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By elizabethyeo - Australia

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10414

You deserved it

46120

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52969

You deserved it

5861

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By kingwalrus - United Kingdom

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37965

You deserved it

8022

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By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19483

You deserved it

74903

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By SierraDiaz2097 - United States - Vardaman

Today, I sneezed. My boyfriend told me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40519

You deserved it

9637

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By Anonymous - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39240

You deserved it

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By Derp-A-Herp - United States

Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9625

You deserved it

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By S. Dub - 10/4/2020 05:00

Acting is hard work

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1745

You deserved it

269

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40894

You deserved it

4058

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By Arran - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24172

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21285

You deserved it

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37388

You deserved it

5564

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By sadgirl - Netherlands

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22881

You deserved it

4336

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By Average - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34644

You deserved it

3869

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By iusedprotectionanyway - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44007

You deserved it

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By msjustine - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38866

You deserved it

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By daddy'sgirl - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8168

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1693

You deserved it

133

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By LonnyLonnikins - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51323

You deserved it

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By puking now - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55774

You deserved it

5093

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33958

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28549

You deserved it

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By Jen - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2347

You deserved it

255

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By that guy

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14614

You deserved it

30865

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By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42954

You deserved it

3485

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43621

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6886

You deserved it

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By metalmusic - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

39818

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9479

You deserved it

79585

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and her mom dropped me off at home. I told my girlfriend that I love her. She said nothing, then her mom blurted out, "I love you too!" and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37214

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33064

You deserved it

12742

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Top comments

By Ambrily | 27

#7893620 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:10

And you're still with her why?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7893589 - Monday 30 March 2020 18:07

What an ignorant imbecile!

She should ask you how to storm an embassy and keep people hostage for 444 days.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7893589 - Monday 30 March 2020 18:07

What an ignorant imbecile!

She should ask you how to storm an embassy and keep people hostage for 444 days.

By Ambrily | 27

#7893620 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:10

And you're still with her why?

By Aiden89 | 21

#7893627 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:22

You mean your soon to be ex?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7893631 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:48

i feel like you should have seen the red flags

By Alex Gruber | 5

#7893633 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:53

Ask her about a random false flag that the US committed and tell her "how come you don't know, since you're "one of those people"...

By newwitch2010 | 11

#7893643 - Monday 30 March 2020 22:18

Time to dump her I think.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893683 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 2:04

I’m assuming your girlfriend is white and from California originally

bloopaloop | 27

#7893701 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 4:00

From California, I agree. Besides that, you’re a racist nazi

By rhett | 5

#7893791 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 14:09

I think she might have been a racist. (Doesn’t matter had sex)

By thatRdude | 4

#7894279 - Thursday 2 April 2020 5:30

Thats fucked hahaha

By jk_waks | 20

#7894446 - Thursday 2 April 2020 18:28

Islam is a beautiful thing, and i’m a Hindu!
Pandemic affects all faiths and religions equally. We seriously need to stop generalising!!