By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 17:00

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2013

You deserved it

209

Favorite

Instadrama

Boozehound alert

My body, my choice

By Profucktardor - 24/1/2014 20:33 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my university professor admitted to sometimes just winging it when she's teaching. "Yeah," she said, "sometimes I just don't get this stuff either." No wonder I'm failing. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

46767

You deserved it

3882

Favorite

By sore - 21/10/2009 08:27 - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43140

You deserved it

6651

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 02:01

Dared

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

941

You deserved it

1049

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 06:28 - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35450

You deserved it

3425

Favorite

By zain - 4/6/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49796

You deserved it

3673

Favorite

By mcpeepants - 8/1/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36163

You deserved it

2673

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my work and proposing to me. It was sweet until an angry customer bitched us out for "wasting her time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30078

You deserved it

3560

Favorite

By ANON - 13/8/2013 23:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53897

You deserved it

19079

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45816

You deserved it

4079

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26709

You deserved it

250264

Favorite

By ... - 10/2/2010 09:08 - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37000

You deserved it

4321

Favorite

By college will be fun they said - 15/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3514

You deserved it

320

Favorite

By MessyMal - 25/12/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33325

You deserved it

9334

Favorite

By waitingformyfoodstamps - 24/1/2009 10:50 - United States

Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31014

You deserved it

8317

Favorite

By jrad - 8/9/2010 19:23 - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66647

You deserved it

3535

Favorite

By ellebelle - 15/11/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6610

You deserved it

47796

Favorite

By Bawsack - 6/4/2017 00:00

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2321

You deserved it

2996

Favorite

By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38423

You deserved it

18300

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/9/2013 19:50 - United States

Today, I had to visit a client because his printer had broken down. After driving for an hour, then being screamed at about how horrible my company's service is, I walked over to his printer and found the problem: there was no paper loaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51267

You deserved it

3109

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2187

You deserved it

659

Favorite

By Eyebrowless - 6/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23929

You deserved it

13848

Favorite

By fucking mafia or what?? - 12/1/2013 22:02 - United States - Marysville

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35876

You deserved it

3427

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48482

You deserved it

3927

Favorite

By Hatty - 14/3/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13621

You deserved it

23558

Favorite

By Rabite - 13/9/2016 11:22 - Germany

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

14516

You deserved it

5232

Favorite

By Charles - 22/2/2009 15:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71332

You deserved it

5664

Favorite

By lip - 24/12/2008 08:40 - France

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10411

You deserved it

75304

Favorite

By killme - 29/2/2016 07:00 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12497

You deserved it

23399

Favorite

By Chubby - 7/5/2015 11:01 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29980

You deserved it

2955

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/4/2011 07:27 - South Africa

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45980

You deserved it

6181

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 08:00

Keep your distance

Today, my roommate told me she had developed a rash on her armpits, which causes them to be itchy. The doctor told her the only way to heal it is to not wear deodorant for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1488

You deserved it

159

Favorite

By liberatedwoman - 11/8/2009 14:57 - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55941

You deserved it

7347

Favorite

By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11621

You deserved it

34602

Favorite

By Travolta - 14/8/2011 04:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31571

You deserved it

5156

Favorite

By zoe777 - 9/11/2013 02:54 - United States

Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52710

You deserved it

4330

Favorite

By IncompatibleMetier - 9/10/2014 23:07 - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34377

You deserved it

10917

Favorite

By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1854

You deserved it

369

Favorite

By danggit3290 - 3/5/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML

I agree, your life sucks

26929

You deserved it

89154

Favorite

By Annie - 24/2/2011 06:39 - United States

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15901

You deserved it

36674

Favorite

By Anoymous - 9/6/2013 06:02 - United States - Burlingame

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54519

You deserved it

3658

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Ambrily | 27

#7893620 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:10

And you're still with her why?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7893589 - Monday 30 March 2020 18:07

What an ignorant imbecile!

She should ask you how to storm an embassy and keep people hostage for 444 days.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7893589 - Monday 30 March 2020 18:07

What an ignorant imbecile!

She should ask you how to storm an embassy and keep people hostage for 444 days.

By Ambrily | 27

#7893620 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:10

And you're still with her why?

By Aiden89 | 21

#7893627 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:22

You mean your soon to be ex?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7893631 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:48

i feel like you should have seen the red flags

By Alex Gruber | 5

#7893633 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:53

Ask her about a random false flag that the US committed and tell her "how come you don't know, since you're "one of those people"...

By newwitch2010 | 11

#7893643 - Monday 30 March 2020 22:18

Time to dump her I think.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893683 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 2:04

I’m assuming your girlfriend is white and from California originally

bloopaloop | 27

#7893701 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 4:00

From California, I agree. Besides that, you’re a racist nazi

By rhett | 4

#7893791 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 14:09

I think she might have been a racist. (Doesn’t matter had sex)

By thatRdude | 3

#7894279 - Thursday 2 April 2020 5:30

Thats fucked hahaha

By jk_waks | 20

#7894446 - Thursday 2 April 2020 18:28

Islam is a beautiful thing, and i’m a Hindu!
Pandemic affects all faiths and religions equally. We seriously need to stop generalising!!