By Anonymous

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

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Mother of the year

A boy can dream

Marriage doesn't solve anything

By geeshock1987 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just remembered that I changed my Gmail display name to "Rice Ball" out of privacy-paranoia a while back. I've been using this same email to apply to several professional jobs. FML

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By vegas-81 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

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By Official_Person - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

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By StillBurning

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

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By BoobiePain - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML

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By foreveryoung - France

Today, a weird guy approached me and started asking me many questions. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I suddenly ran away shouting, "Stranger danger! " I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

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By ET - United States - Glendale

Today, I was at a small secret Santa with a group of friends. Everyone got each other some amazing gifts, the first person got a homemade self portrait, the second person got some professional grade playing cards, the third person got an album of past memories, and I got a pack of pens. FML

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By paddy - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

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By Kait - United States

Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML

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By YEEYEE517

The customer is always something

Today, working in retail, I noticed a customer looking for an item, so I walked up to them and asked, "Is there something I can help you find?" He replied, "Did I ask for your fucking help?" FML

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By Dear God Why

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

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By MsConfusedd - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I discovered that the only thing more disgusting than watching a little kid shove their finger up their nose and eat their fresh green mucus is watching your grandmother do the same. FML

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By Wannabees - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By varsity soccer player - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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By chelsea

Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML

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By Bride - 25/2/2021 23:00 - New Zealand

Shush

Today, I went in to pick my wedding dress. My fiancé's ex-girlfriend was my consultant. She basically hinted that I looked fat in every dress. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By Less Friendship, More Cash - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I realized one of my best friends was only friends with me because I would take her shopping, spoil her regularly, and help her out financially. She moved to another province and only contacted me whenever she wanted money. After I refused a couple of times, she deleted me on Facebook. FML

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By Johannes_712

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

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By Lipstick lez - 15/5/2021 11:02

Top brass

Today, my boss told me to kick out of the hotel anyone who was clearly a prostitute trolling for men. I spotted a woman in a miniskirt approaching a guy in the bar, so I told her politely to leave. Despite the skirt, turns out she's the hotel manager and the man was her fiancé. I got fired so hard and fast. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 13:59

Check these out, guys!

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

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By DebtedToSociety - United States

Today, I was watching a TV show about people with shopping addictions. One girl was $15,000 in debt and I thought how horrible it would be to live with that. Then I realized that I'm in medical school and currently $135,000 in debt. At least they have something to show for their debt. FML

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By Taco Hell - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By Julie - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By impatient amy - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

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By anon. - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - United States

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

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By Aginsafa - United States

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Shawnee

Especially for dad

Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML

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By chaoticnh - Austria

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

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By soccer8goalie - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

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By Angry - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

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By Thorin - United Kingdom

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

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By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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Top comments

By Ambrily | 27

#7893620 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:10

And you're still with her why?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7893589 - Monday 30 March 2020 18:07

What an ignorant imbecile!

She should ask you how to storm an embassy and keep people hostage for 444 days.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7893589 - Monday 30 March 2020 18:07

What an ignorant imbecile!

She should ask you how to storm an embassy and keep people hostage for 444 days.

By Ambrily | 27

#7893620 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:10

And you're still with her why?

By Aiden89 | 21

#7893627 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:22

You mean your soon to be ex?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7893631 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:48

i feel like you should have seen the red flags

By Alex Gruber | 5

#7893633 - Monday 30 March 2020 20:53

Ask her about a random false flag that the US committed and tell her "how come you don't know, since you're "one of those people"...

By newwitch2010 | 11

#7893643 - Monday 30 March 2020 22:18

Time to dump her I think.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893683 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 2:04

I’m assuming your girlfriend is white and from California originally

Reply

bloopaloop | 27

#7893701 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 4:00

From California, I agree. Besides that, you’re a racist nazi

By rhett | 5

#7893791 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 14:09

I think she might have been a racist. (Doesn’t matter had sex)

By thatRdude | 4

#7894279 - Thursday 2 April 2020 5:30

Thats fucked hahaha

By jk_waks | 20

#7894446 - Thursday 2 April 2020 18:28

Islam is a beautiful thing, and i’m a Hindu!
Pandemic affects all faiths and religions equally. We seriously need to stop generalising!!