By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Because I'm worth it

Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

I agree, your life sucks

754

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150

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Animals

Cats

British Broadcasting Corporation

Delayed proposal

Optimism

By nubs

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2642

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135

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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305921

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20737

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By really?! - 22/3/2020 06:30

Troll level 3000

Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1812

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121

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I was bored so I started to doodle on MS paint. My boss walks by and asks me to join him in his office. When I do so, he fires me for drawing offensive material. I drew a rainbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31891

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7749

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss came to see me because he'd heard that I was homeless. I'm not homeless, and the rumour was started by a friend of mine. FML

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1519

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By Loveless - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57358

You deserved it

8168

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By snoozerlooser - Canada

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40292

You deserved it

7687

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64841

You deserved it

3734

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By Emily S - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13284

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40278

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By Tooyoungforthis - United States - Arvada

Dad, no, enough!

Today, I had to download a parental block so my dad would stop watching porn on my laptop. FML

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32324

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2286

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By Grossed out - United States

Today, my mother was driving me and my friends to a wedding. My friends and I were talking about birth control, and then my mother chimes in, "Yeah, I used to use the sponge, but the spermicide would always burn your dad's penis." FML

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42250

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 02:00

Cold-blooded old times

Today, going through my dead grandma's papers, we found old faded photos. I showed them to my mum, who screamed in shock. They were grandma and granddad's erotic photos from about seventy years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1690

You deserved it

340

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By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24660

You deserved it

1835

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By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

638

You deserved it

2010

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By CivE - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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13954

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38088

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By Cottagecheeseha - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I pulled out a book and my bookmark fell out. My crush picked it up and a weird look came across his face. I then realized I had used toilet paper. Now I'm the girl who reads while taking dumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22574

You deserved it

6738

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By stankness - United States

Today, I had to endure a long face-to-face conversation with a coworker who had fierce BO. He had his fingers interlaced around the back of his head the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34246

You deserved it

2772

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By SterlingSilver91 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28061

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42561

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she believes I "jinxed" her chances of getting the job she wanted. FML

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1671

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128

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By Paul - United States

Today, some cops came to my house saying that the neighbors thought the party I was having was too loud and obnoxious. It was my grandmother's 86 birthday party. FML

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32336

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2912

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

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1520

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By notlilien

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3124

You deserved it

262

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By whatswrongwithit?:( - United States - Chicago

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33312

You deserved it

3616

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By cantprovenothing - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

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28510

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48243

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my supervisor how awful my coworker was at her job. I then got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1420

You deserved it

481

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

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46521

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By kel - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42881

You deserved it

7443

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By zappy - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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9688

You deserved it

118828

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By juvenile friends suck - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41973

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6738

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By AcademicAdvisor - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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13789

You deserved it

1111

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By Valedict-oops

Today, I walked at my graduation ceremony, proudly wearing my valedictorian cords. It turns out that, after some confusion on behalf of the student services office, I was neither valedictorian nor salutatorian (by 0.2 points). I'm dating the actual valedictorian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4278

You deserved it

456

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By home owner - United States

Today, I was taking a shower for the first time in my new apartment. The shower head broke off the wall and slammed onto my head while spraying water everywhere. I tried to stop the water but only stopped the cold and got burnt by the hot. FML

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32615

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3346

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By Lea - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27342

You deserved it

4860

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, my grandparents came over to visit. I'm still not sure if they came to see me or my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38355

You deserved it

3338

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By chachi - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36903

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6653

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By mkonda - India

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11880

You deserved it

793

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36962

You deserved it

3952

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29126

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7710

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By Cam - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8197

You deserved it

43615

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By Hopelesshomeless - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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35936

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Top comments

By weeping_willow | 25

#7959642 - Wednesday 23 December 2020 5:03

Oh, that’s nasty

By DoctorPALO | 9

#7960008 - Thursday 24 December 2020 21:52

You washed AND dried a load of laundry with cat turds in it and didn't notice it and it didn't fall out when you switched from washer to dryer? What the Sam Hill does your cat eat?

COMMENTS

By weeping_willow | 25

#7959642 - Wednesday 23 December 2020 5:03

Oh, that’s nasty

By RichardPencil | 29

#7959722 - Wednesday 23 December 2020 13:14

So, when you say your work was shitty, you mean it a bit more literally?

By DoctorPALO | 9

#7960008 - Thursday 24 December 2020 21:52

You washed AND dried a load of laundry with cat turds in it and didn't notice it and it didn't fall out when you switched from washer to dryer? What the Sam Hill does your cat eat?