Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being... - FML

By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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Messed up

Famous for something

Dream baby dream

By fucked - Canada

Devil's wages

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

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By Florida - United States - Winchester

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

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By Balphleair - Lebanon - Saida

Fight the power!

Today, my country went on strike and is overthrowing the government, and I'm stuck on a night shift at work. FML

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By Etrius - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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By Isa - United States

Today, my boss at my new job asked whether I was fitting in OK. The company is Swedish, so as a joke, I said that at home I now serve all my food as a smorgasbord, chew on fermented herring and Daim chocolate bars, and buy all my furniture at Ikea. She didn't see the funny side. FML

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By peppergirl

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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By not_dead_yet - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By Big Baby

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By nomorefreehugs - United States

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

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By failed_catgirl - Canada

Meow meow

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By DD - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

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By bruised - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By Anonymous

He tried.

Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By StellaSanguina - United States

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

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By siggit - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

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By Chels

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

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By Notadrugdealer

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

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By sonofmilf - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store when a couple of my co-workers called a code pink in aisle 22, which means there was an attractive woman in that aisle. After hearing about how hot she was, I went over to see her for myself. It was my mom. FML

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By shadokis - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML

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By cactii - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

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By nina - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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By rachele321

Don't send dickpics (unless requested)

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML

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By lmaoLOSER - United States

Today, I got a perfect score on my French quiz, and I was told to have my mom sign it. What I didn't realize was that all the way at the bottom she wrote "Good Nathaly!" and "I love you!" surrounded by little hearts. The teacher hung it up anyway. FML

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By buryuntime - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

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By

Christmas shopping

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

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By Hellish - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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By Today

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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By Torbey - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my younger brother complained yet again of soreness in his wrist. Frustrated with his constant whining, my mother turned to him and snapped, 'Well, what have you been using it for all this time then!?' The awkward silence of realisation for them both won't go away anytime soon. FML

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By owew

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

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By mylifesucks - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

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By ismerf19

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By Cereal_mistress - United States - Sonoma

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

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Top comments

By MrConcise | 34

#6025560 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:15

He respawned like in a first-person shooter.

By amberr_harperr | 15

#6025549 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

you deserved it. at least he had some sort of humor whether it was sarcastic or not. maybe he'll forget. but you deserved that one. you even labeled yourself as a "grade a fucktard"

COMMENTS

By WhoopteDo | 26

#6025548 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

At least it wasn't the other way around, you were informed he didn't and then asked..
Don't worry OP! I'm sure you can win him over later on.

Reply

ChaCerCam | 14

#6025594 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:35

OP:You should've corrected yourself by saying "without any injuries" but FYL that really sucks.

By amberr_harperr | 15

#6025549 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

you deserved it. at least he had some sort of humor whether it was sarcastic or not. maybe he'll forget. but you deserved that one. you even labeled yourself as a "grade a fucktard"

Reply

1two3four5six | 23

#6025701 - Saturday 2 August 2014 7:25

oh, so you've never gotten nervous and said something stupid in a conversation?

Reply

christian1509 | 21

#6025711 - Saturday 2 August 2014 7:41

Never nervous enough to ask a soldier who just returned from deployment whether or not he made it back...

By MrConcise | 34

#6025560 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:15

He respawned like in a first-person shooter.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#6025612 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:44

But the enemy kept spawn trapping him

Reply

Withtoss | 10

#6025626 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:55

You sir, are a faggot. Don't ever relate video games to our real military. You should be ashamed

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6025655 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:21

I bet he wishes he opted for that tactical insertion now.

Reply

baseballbv | 17

#6025670 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:28

I'm sure the dad would love to spawn trap that guy. Although he would probably be the guy running into the wall corner from the sound of it.

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6025737 - Saturday 2 August 2014 8:43

#17 Every fucking time I wipe my damn screen.

By Saraishi | 24

#6025571 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:18

Brain fart.

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6025573 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:19

And then you died. Of embarrassment.

By enriquegonzolas | 15

#6025574 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:20

We all do it. Don't think too badly of it.

By ItsMissLia | 19

#6025576 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:20

That was quite the blunder.. I guess it was better then saying something like ".. Huh too bad you made it back.." or something similar.

By incoherentrmblr | 21

#6025577 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:21

Red Foreman: Dumbass...

By rocker_chick23 | 27

#6025584 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:25

At least your girlfriends dad has a sense of humor.

Reply

octopussperm125 | 18

#6027195 - Monday 4 August 2014 3:59

He'll be laughing hysterically when he starts chasing him down the street, scaring the shit out of him

By junkman6 | 22

#6025591 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:32

What's going through the dad's head. "Please dear god let the babies have my daughters brain."

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6025643 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:13

More like "please dear god don't tell me this grade A fucktard is getting in my daughters pants"

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6025793 - Saturday 2 August 2014 10:28

I'm just going to say it and embrace the down votes.

#24 you obviously haven't met many military daughters have you?

Reply

KeannaLove | 32

#6025873 - Saturday 2 August 2014 14:18

#44 It sort of sounds like you're calling all military daughters whores. I'm really hoping I just misread what you wrote.

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6026021 - Saturday 2 August 2014 17:32

No I haven't really met many but I to don't really understand your implications.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6026563 - Sunday 3 August 2014 9:30

Oh come on #48 when did I say "all" calm down with the defensiveness. I was just saying most! Like if you had ten military daughters in a room 9.9 of them would be whores! That's obviously not "all" of them!