Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being... - FML

By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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Sorry…

Triage

Phone call anxiety

By MSguy

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By living in the ugly treehouse - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 17:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Bad timing

Today, someone screwed up the roller door at work, so I had to fix it. After doing so and leaving work late, I get home to find out my dog of 14 years had to be put down. If the door didn't need fixing, I would've been able to say goodbye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

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By pleasestop - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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By iamnotfat - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By Li - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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By Whoisshe

Unknown number

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while talking on the phone with my long distance boyfriend, he let me know that he was getting married in August to "some girl" for his papers. After I objected he told me, "well you can marry me if you want." I'm not sure if I just got dumped or proposed to. FML

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By Fack. - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

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By Anonymous - Russian Federation - Lipetsk

Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

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By workaholic - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

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By CRWMEN - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

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By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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By aintgotnoteeth

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

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By shylahrc - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

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By ieatoreos

Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML

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By WOWreally - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my husband in the shower. I got in and we were talking and goofing around and I stuck out my chest and sucked in my stomach being stupid and my husband says "Wait! Do it again! That's how you looked when I first met you." FML

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By gl0b3suck0r - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

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By oppafucktardstyle - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

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By therundown - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

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By rawdoglyfe69 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 17:01

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

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By Uriah - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

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By Old and Ugly - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Mo I Rana

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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By evenpoorer - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

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By citylife - United States

Today, I realized how tiny my apartment is, when I was able to vacuum from bedroom to bathroom through the living room without switching the power outlet from the one in the kitchen. I pay a fortune to live in this shoebox. FML

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

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By FlowerPower - United States

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01

We need details!

Today, was an absolute mess. It began with getting a towel caught on my nose ring and ended with my car catching on fire. FML

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Top comments

By MrConcise | 34

#6025560 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:15

He respawned like in a first-person shooter.

By amberr_harperr | 15

#6025549 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

you deserved it. at least he had some sort of humor whether it was sarcastic or not. maybe he'll forget. but you deserved that one. you even labeled yourself as a "grade a fucktard"

COMMENTS

By WhoopteDo | 26

#6025548 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

At least it wasn't the other way around, you were informed he didn't and then asked..
Don't worry OP! I'm sure you can win him over later on.

Reply

ChaCerCam | 14

#6025594 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:35

OP:You should've corrected yourself by saying "without any injuries" but FYL that really sucks.

By amberr_harperr | 15

#6025549 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

you deserved it. at least he had some sort of humor whether it was sarcastic or not. maybe he'll forget. but you deserved that one. you even labeled yourself as a "grade a fucktard"

Reply

1two3four5six | 23

#6025701 - Saturday 2 August 2014 7:25

oh, so you've never gotten nervous and said something stupid in a conversation?

Reply

christian1509 | 21

#6025711 - Saturday 2 August 2014 7:41

Never nervous enough to ask a soldier who just returned from deployment whether or not he made it back...

By MrConcise | 34

#6025560 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:15

He respawned like in a first-person shooter.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#6025612 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:44

But the enemy kept spawn trapping him

Reply

Withtoss | 10

#6025626 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:55

You sir, are a faggot. Don't ever relate video games to our real military. You should be ashamed

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6025655 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:21

I bet he wishes he opted for that tactical insertion now.

Reply

baseballbv | 17

#6025670 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:28

I'm sure the dad would love to spawn trap that guy. Although he would probably be the guy running into the wall corner from the sound of it.

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6025737 - Saturday 2 August 2014 8:43

#17 Every fucking time I wipe my damn screen.

By Saraishi | 24

#6025571 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:18

Brain fart.

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6025573 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:19

And then you died. Of embarrassment.

By enriquegonzolas | 15

#6025574 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:20

We all do it. Don't think too badly of it.

By ItsMissLia | 19

#6025576 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:20

That was quite the blunder.. I guess it was better then saying something like ".. Huh too bad you made it back.." or something similar.

By incoherentrmblr | 21

#6025577 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:21

Red Foreman: Dumbass...

By rocker_chick23 | 27

#6025584 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:25

At least your girlfriends dad has a sense of humor.

Reply

octopussperm125 | 18

#6027195 - Monday 4 August 2014 3:59

He'll be laughing hysterically when he starts chasing him down the street, scaring the shit out of him

By junkman6 | 22

#6025591 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:32

What's going through the dad's head. "Please dear god let the babies have my daughters brain."

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6025643 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:13

More like "please dear god don't tell me this grade A fucktard is getting in my daughters pants"

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6025793 - Saturday 2 August 2014 10:28

I'm just going to say it and embrace the down votes.

#24 you obviously haven't met many military daughters have you?

Reply

KeannaLove | 32

#6025873 - Saturday 2 August 2014 14:18

#44 It sort of sounds like you're calling all military daughters whores. I'm really hoping I just misread what you wrote.

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6026021 - Saturday 2 August 2014 17:32

No I haven't really met many but I to don't really understand your implications.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6026563 - Sunday 3 August 2014 9:30

Oh come on #48 when did I say "all" calm down with the defensiveness. I was just saying most! Like if you had ten military daughters in a room 9.9 of them would be whores! That's obviously not "all" of them!