Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being... - FML

By whoops - 1/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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Boozehound alert

Incognito browsing

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2018 15:30

Today, I’m almost six weeks pregnant. From exactly ten seconds of penetration. FML

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By SleepObsessed - 5/8/2018 19:00

Today, even though I'm the most neat freak germophobe there is, I was diagnosed with scabies. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

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By riptoofie - 16/1/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

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By atleasthelocalsarenice - 4/3/2017 12:00

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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By Embarrassed - 22/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By mrsekko - 31/5/2011 12:44 - United States

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

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By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By tigerbyrn - 30/5/2016 15:35 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

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By omfgitburns - 6/1/2011 14:54

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By Mary - 21/11/2008 10:06 - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

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By spaaaarta - 25/7/2016 20:17

Today, I was washing my car, I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML

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By NotYourCopyEditor - 6/5/2019 22:00

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

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By thewordsicantsay - 25/2/2010 07:05 - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By justfat - 12/3/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By - 22/1/2017 16:00

Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

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By cakehater - 21/8/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I'm a host at a restaurant. We had a birthday party for a couple of 15 year old boys and their friends. I went to clean the bathroom at the end of my shift and discovered cake everywhere, including all over the urinal. They were even nice enough to draw a smiley on the mirror with icing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 20:01

It's good to learn!

Today, I’m living in China and I asked my native boyfriend to read me the names of all the different goods at the bakery, so I can do more than just point next time. I realized why he doesn’t see the point, when he translated : "Bread, bread, bread, bread and… bread." FML

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By dogsickftl - 31/10/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'for sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

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By HarleyGirl - 25/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2014 02:46 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

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By of course - 20/4/2019 12:00

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By mary - 9/8/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

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By VladyBoi - 1/11/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - 31/10/2015 10:20 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

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By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

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By julian - 29/9/2018 14:00

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 12:09 - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my little brother learned about mortality when our dog died. Since then, he's gone a little nuts and keeps ranting that he sees no point as to why our other dog should live. He's 16. FML

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By crying over wasted milk - 14/8/2019 17:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML

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By fuckendog - 25/7/2014 06:05 - Australia - Virginia

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

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By ChaosFerret - 3/5/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 16:41 - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

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By Zack - 1/4/2012 21:36 - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

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By slingerslasher - 5/7/2016 19:09 - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

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Top comments

By MrConcise | 34

#6025560 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:15

He respawned like in a first-person shooter.

By amberr_harperr | 15

#6025549 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

you deserved it. at least he had some sort of humor whether it was sarcastic or not. maybe he'll forget. but you deserved that one. you even labeled yourself as a "grade a fucktard"

COMMENTS

By WhoopteDo | 26

#6025548 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

At least it wasn't the other way around, you were informed he didn't and then asked..
Don't worry OP! I'm sure you can win him over later on.

Reply

ChaCerCam | 14

#6025594 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:35

OP:You should've corrected yourself by saying "without any injuries" but FYL that really sucks.

By amberr_harperr | 15

#6025549 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:10

you deserved it. at least he had some sort of humor whether it was sarcastic or not. maybe he'll forget. but you deserved that one. you even labeled yourself as a "grade a fucktard"

Reply

1two3four5six | 23

#6025701 - Saturday 2 August 2014 7:25

oh, so you've never gotten nervous and said something stupid in a conversation?

Reply

christian1509 | 21

#6025711 - Saturday 2 August 2014 7:41

Never nervous enough to ask a soldier who just returned from deployment whether or not he made it back...

By MrConcise | 34

#6025560 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:15

He respawned like in a first-person shooter.

Reply

gjikvtj | 18

#6025612 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:44

But the enemy kept spawn trapping him

Reply

Withtoss | 10

#6025626 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:55

You sir, are a faggot. Don't ever relate video games to our real military. You should be ashamed

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6025655 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:21

I bet he wishes he opted for that tactical insertion now.

Reply

baseballbv | 17

#6025670 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:28

I'm sure the dad would love to spawn trap that guy. Although he would probably be the guy running into the wall corner from the sound of it.

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6025737 - Saturday 2 August 2014 8:43

#17 Every fucking time I wipe my damn screen.

By Saraishi | 24

#6025571 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:18

Brain fart.

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6025573 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:19

And then you died. Of embarrassment.

By enriquegonzolas | 15

#6025574 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:20

We all do it. Don't think too badly of it.

By ItsMissLia | 19

#6025576 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:20

That was quite the blunder.. I guess it was better then saying something like ".. Huh too bad you made it back.." or something similar.

By incoherentrmblr | 21

#6025577 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:21

Red Foreman: Dumbass...

By rocker_chick23 | 27

#6025584 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:25

At least your girlfriends dad has a sense of humor.

Reply

octopussperm125 | 18

#6027195 - Monday 4 August 2014 3:59

He'll be laughing hysterically when he starts chasing him down the street, scaring the shit out of him

By junkman6 | 22

#6025591 - Saturday 2 August 2014 5:32

What's going through the dad's head. "Please dear god let the babies have my daughters brain."

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6025643 - Saturday 2 August 2014 6:13

More like "please dear god don't tell me this grade A fucktard is getting in my daughters pants"

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6025793 - Saturday 2 August 2014 10:28

I'm just going to say it and embrace the down votes.

#24 you obviously haven't met many military daughters have you?

Reply

KeannaLove | 32

#6025873 - Saturday 2 August 2014 14:18

#44 It sort of sounds like you're calling all military daughters whores. I'm really hoping I just misread what you wrote.

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6026021 - Saturday 2 August 2014 17:32

No I haven't really met many but I to don't really understand your implications.

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6026563 - Sunday 3 August 2014 9:30

Oh come on #48 when did I say "all" calm down with the defensiveness. I was just saying most! Like if you had ten military daughters in a room 9.9 of them would be whores! That's obviously not "all" of them!