Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy,...

By cartrouble - 25/11/2010 03:52 - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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Transportation

Season finale

Noise

Healthy relationship

By chumpslolo - 25/7/2013 10:55 - United States - Vandalia

Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML

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By Cnscott0205 - 17/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Denver

Big one

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

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By trackgurl - 21/2/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2013 01:55 - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 21:45 - United States - Plainsboro

Today, while life-guarding in a 55+ community, I greeted a man by saying: "Good morning Sir!" He responded with, "Cut the shit kid, I'm not that fucking old." FML

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By Beestings - 24/3/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

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By wasntworththedrive - 20/1/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2013 07:24 - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

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By jayscalaro - 21/4/2019 20:00

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

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By amg85904 - 30/1/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 15:08 - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

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By problemchild - 2/11/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say "Yes she did." FML

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By CODgirl102 - 16/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Palm Bay

Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML

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By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

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By notgreg - 10/11/2009 15:59 - United States

Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML

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By Larz - 26/1/2011 21:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2018 17:30

Today, my boiler packed up on me just as the weather has turned cold, with no money to have it fixed. Hello to a week of freezing cold showers. FML

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By mpsteve137 - 30/6/2012 06:21 - United States - Acworth

Apologetic

Today, I realized I say "sorry" more than anything else during sex with my girlfriend. FML

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By Sad elf - 15/12/2016 13:42 - Australia - Brookfield

Today, after weeks of tirelessly organising a Secret Santa with work colleagues, we finally exchanged gifts. I got a stapler, which had been stolen from my desk the day before. FML

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By Brian - 4/5/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

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By Kwalker3 - 6/5/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

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By fannylover - 18/2/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I finished my classwork and my homework early. Since we weren't allowed to leave the room, I decided to draw. My teacher noticed and gave me detention for "goofing off" when I should be doing my work. When I told the teacher I was already done, they gave me a second detention for "attempting to defy them". FML

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By anon - 20/8/2012 05:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend got a hotel room with a jacuzzi, drinks, and tickets to Six Flags for my birthday. He is currently passed out drunk on the other side of the bed, cursing me out in his sleep. FML

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By SweetFA - 20/8/2009 00:01 - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

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By Adam Jensen - 18/6/2012 04:39 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML

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By bitchyhiccups - 19/3/2012 13:14 - United States - Tempe

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By slingshot - 7/9/2010 05:53 - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2013 17:06 - Ireland - Donegal

Today, my grandparents came over for a family dinner. I'm somewhat overweight, and my grandma kept making sound effects in time with me doing pretty much anything. When I complained to my dad after she made a long farting sound as I sat down, he told me to suck it up. FML

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By troubleintoyland - 24/12/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

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By Loner_Lou - 7/10/2013 22:51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new colleagues took me up on my idea of a group night out. Perhaps they'll actually invite me along next time. FML

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By heartattack - 3/2/2019 16:00

Today, after I moved into my new 1930's house, my elderly rescue dog raised her hackles and stared at the wall behind my bed for two full minutes. I thought she might have recognized something from her old job. She's a retired cadaver dog. I guess I'm never sleeping, again. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2015 06:56 - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 18:50 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I overheard a "friend" talking about me and my recently deceased dog. He said: "Only time I've seen someone get that upset over someone dying, they were fucking each other. Just sayin'." FML

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By gayvsgay - 6/3/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

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By ScorpioQueen - 21/9/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By neverakid - 14/4/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By iheartkanye - 30/6/2019 20:01

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

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By samsonity - 15/9/2020 17:02

It never rains, it pours

Today, I woke up knowing I'd done all my homework, so I'd have the day free. My dad calls me into his room to tell me that I have 3 outstanding exam papers to hand in this week. It was summer homework, set by my school's online learning website that I didn’t know it existed. FML

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By Confusedfiance - 16/10/2018 05:00

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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Top comments

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1748301 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

If he's "not too handy", why didn't you insist he NOT try to fix it? I hope you have some good insurance lol.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1748340 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:04

Smores anyone?

COMMENTS

By YaLubluTebya | 0

#1748264 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:58

woww. that would suck

VinegarStrokes | 0

#1748276 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:58

Jesus...

TheOptimist | 0

#1748418 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:14

Make him sit on it.

iSitt | 0

#1748480 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:22

he's been listening to CarTalk

MrsLender_fml | 3

#1748566 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:30

ya tozhe!

robosonic | 2

#1748657 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:44

just imagine the look on his face after the engine went up in flames :P

nextXbrucelee | 0

#1748809 - Thursday 25 November 2010 10:18

I'm sure he stopped rejoicing after that

By ithappens232 | 0

#1748273 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:58

damn that's sucks, grade A mechanic. oh yea, FIRST!!

xFalzz | 0

#1748293 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

Excellent job.

Claytonic | 0

#1748306 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

wow. you are an idiot.

Darko21 | 5

#1748364 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:07

First to look stupid!

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1748608 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:34

lmao wow 2 you really do fail, twice XD

cat444des | 0

#1748742 - Thursday 25 November 2010 10:05

2nd it's like being the 1st loser no? lol

Glenn_Coco | 0

#1748778 - Thursday 25 November 2010 10:13

haha beaten by a second

sparkz2010 | 0

#1749025 - Thursday 25 November 2010 12:01

u look like Justin beiber

KingDingALing | 9

#1749586 - Thursday 25 November 2010 14:20

I fucking HATE Justin Bieber...>:(

Sadielovesyou | 0

#1750087 - Thursday 25 November 2010 15:55

you don't look like Justin bieber but that's good cause hes ugly

SmellMyCheese | 1

#1751073 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:18

it happens

kyliebear | 15

#2938649 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 17:17

Sorry, you're actually second. Better luck next time!

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#1748278 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:59

Gah, that's horrible... :(

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1748301 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

If he's "not too handy", why didn't you insist he NOT try to fix it? I hope you have some good insurance lol.

docscientist | 9

#1749002 - Thursday 25 November 2010 11:53

Seems to have done at least an equal job of any mechanic.

starile | 19

#1749491 - Thursday 25 November 2010 13:53

"Well, the car's already broken down, so there really isn't anything he can do to make it much worsOH MY GOD!! MY CAR!! YOU EXPLODED MY FUCKING CAR!! What the hell is wrong with you?! AAAAHHHH!"