Transportation: Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy,...

By cartrouble - United States

Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML

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Transportation

Dementia or hate? You decide

Triage

Cake is everything

By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't know I had. That is to say, the company hired me but didn't tell me, so when I didn't show up for work two days in a row, they called and claimed job abandonment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fishers

Today, while picking up a birthday cake, I was screamed at by an upset woman for getting special attention from the bakers, and that I was nothing more than an attention-hogging slut. The bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML

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By systeminitiated - Canada

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

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By MIB thingy please... - United States - Oregon City

Today, my date dropped me off at home and briefly met my parents. As he was leaving he whispered into my ear, "I want to feel the inside of your vagina with the outside of my penis." My parents totally heard. FML

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By brokenglass - 24/3/2021 21:30

Overreaction much?

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

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By blue15564 - United States - Davenport

Today, my dad grounded me for not having any friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I won a game of Monopoly against my girlfriend. She reacted by sweeping the board off the table, storming out the front door, and mowing down my mailbox driving away. FML

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By Long sufferer - 21/2/2021 02:01

Marriage going well is it?

Today, at 5:30 a.m., my wife woke me to order milk for our business because she forgot to do so last night. She then chewed me out for doing it there and then, waking her up. I'm apparently useless, always complaining and in a bad mood about the most mundane things. What? FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By Decisions6 - Denmark - Aarhus

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

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By porkfriedlife - United States

Today, I went to a theater and saw "Bruno" with my mom. We saw "Borat" together, so I thought, 'Hey, how bad could it be?' I don't know what was more nauseating: Bruno's penis spinning around and talking or the fact that my mom thought it was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By madaskueuchiha - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

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By anonymous - 25/9/2020 20:01

Sing me to sleep…

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

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By wow - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out that my husband of 12 years has been sleeping with my best friend of even longer for who knows how long. She actually tried to turn it around on me and implied that it was my fault for finding out about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I introduced my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years to my friends. I told him how my friends jokingly call him my imaginary Internet boyfriend. He thought it was so funny that when they met, he claimed to be my cousin, saying that I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend. They believed him. FML

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By NoName - United States

Today, we had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we were dancing the guy behind me stepped on my skirt. It fell to my ankles... the whole audience saw my ass. FML

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By gymgirl - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

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By Stacy - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2021 02:01

You light up my life

Today, I can’t sleep because the moon is full. No, wait, that’s actually the floodlight from the neighboring farm shining in my window. Apparently, they thought it a good idea to hook the thing up to a motion detector, so the cats and mice can play disco lights at midnight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

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By IBS - China - Shanghai

Today, after finishing a two hour essay exam that will determine the future of my career, I realized I misread the question. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML

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By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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By LonelyCashier

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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By girl_what

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By damnbananas - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

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By Crushed

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

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By xoccerplaya - United States

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

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By Alwayspotato - 11/7/2020 05:02

Bittie

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML

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By Anonymous

Keep in touch

Today on my birthday, my wife thought it would be a good idea to get matching tattoos. Our tattoo artist happened to be her ex-boyfriend. I sat and listened to them talk about their relationship and how they should stay in touch. FML

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By stalked - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

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By madelynn - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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By OneGirlsLife - United States - Spartanburg

Today, it was supposed to be my birthday dinner with two of my friends. They're both now bringing their boyfriends, so I get to be the fifth wheel to my own birthday dinner. FML

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4814

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

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By :$ - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to a family barbecue. I guess my dad heard him talking about the "fun" we'd be having later, because over the next two hours, he tripped my boyfriend up on concrete, threw a beer can at him, and sprayed him full-force with a water hose. All "accidentally" of course. FML

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Top comments

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1748301 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

If he's "not too handy", why didn't you insist he NOT try to fix it? I hope you have some good insurance lol.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1748340 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:04

Smores anyone?

COMMENTS

By YaLubluTebya | 0

#1748264 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:58

woww. that would suck

VinegarStrokes | 0

#1748276 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:58

Jesus...

TheOptimist | 0

#1748418 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:14

Make him sit on it.

iSitt | 0

#1748480 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:22

he's been listening to CarTalk

MrsLender_fml | 3

#1748566 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:30

ya tozhe!

robosonic | 2

#1748657 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:44

just imagine the look on his face after the engine went up in flames :P

nextXbrucelee | 0

#1748809 - Thursday 25 November 2010 10:18

I'm sure he stopped rejoicing after that

By ithappens232 | 0

#1748273 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:58

damn that's sucks, grade A mechanic. oh yea, FIRST!!

xFalzz | 0

#1748293 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

Excellent job.

Claytonic | 0

#1748306 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

wow. you are an idiot.

Darko21 | 5

#1748364 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:07

First to look stupid!

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#1748608 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:34

lmao wow 2 you really do fail, twice XD

cat444des | 0

#1748742 - Thursday 25 November 2010 10:05

2nd it's like being the 1st loser no? lol

Glenn_Coco | 0

#1748778 - Thursday 25 November 2010 10:13

haha beaten by a second

sparkz2010 | 0

#1749025 - Thursday 25 November 2010 12:01

u look like Justin beiber

KingDingALing | 9

#1749586 - Thursday 25 November 2010 14:20

I fucking HATE Justin Bieber...>:(

Sadielovesyou | 0

#1750087 - Thursday 25 November 2010 15:55

you don't look like Justin bieber but that's good cause hes ugly

SmellMyCheese | 1

#1751073 - Thursday 25 November 2010 19:18

it happens

kyliebear | 15

#2938649 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 17:17

Sorry, you're actually second. Better luck next time!

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#1748278 - Thursday 25 November 2010 8:59

Gah, that's horrible... :(

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1748301 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:00

If he's "not too handy", why didn't you insist he NOT try to fix it? I hope you have some good insurance lol.

docscientist | 9

#1749002 - Thursday 25 November 2010 11:53

Seems to have done at least an equal job of any mechanic.

starile | 19

#1749491 - Thursday 25 November 2010 13:53

"Well, the car's already broken down, so there really isn't anything he can do to make it much worsOH MY GOD!! MY CAR!! YOU EXPLODED MY FUCKING CAR!! What the hell is wrong with you?! AAAAHHHH!"