By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Not funny anymore

Today at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s that had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

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Messed up

Walk on the wild side

Not now!

By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

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By AFGirlfriend - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn't deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

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By thatsureshowedme - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

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By Fish

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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By Spiderchick - Germany

Hmmmm, breakfast

Today, I found out that the stories about how you swallow insects and spiders in your sleep are true, as I woke up to a funny taste in my mouth and the remains of a spider stuck to my braces. FML

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By notamum - Australia - Belmont

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

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By Richard - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By FamilySecret - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By Walker Alldredge - 15/9/2020 00:02 - United States - Ogden

Out of it

Today, I was recently diagnosed with mononucleosis. This means that I'm really tired. I had been planning a trip with my sister and my cousin, but I didn’t wake up this morning at 7 because of the Mono, and they didn’t bother to wake me up. They went without me, to all my favorite places, leaving me at home with nothing to do. FML

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By wooowmom - Canada

Today, I learned that if I don't give my mom attention immediately after she calls my name, she will throw a baseball at me. FML

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By Heartbroken - United States

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

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By DeeGirlMon - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orlando

Today, my brother was telling me about my "sweet" and "pure" ex-girlfriend. Three stab wounds have already proven otherwise. FML

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By Sovekipisse - France - Arthon-en-retz

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By Therunawaymoh

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 11:02

Monday blues

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodinville

Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

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By Poor as fuck

With friends like these…

Today, I stayed with a friend because I was recently kicked out of my home and had nowhere to go. When I went out for job applications, she asked, "Can you pick me up a pack of smokes?" and then got mad that I didn't have the money, calling me selfish. FML

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By levi69 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By WHY - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By B-ran - France

Today, I was taking a dump at the Home Depot. After I was finished, I was bent over and pulling the toilet paper out of the holder. I pulled too hard, causing the dispenser lid to fling open and smack me on the back of the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

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By MikeyPeters - United States

Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

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By AgentKoos_99 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

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By pissedoffandon - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a piss at the urinal when a fly started buzzing around my head. It started getting in my face, so I tried to swat it away. After about 10 seconds of intense swatting, I looked down to find I had pissed all over my shoes and down the front of my trousers. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By bannana0zoom - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

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By thatgirl - Canada - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

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By

My long-distance partner came to visit me for the weekend. When he arrived he seemed moody and tired, and refused any kind of physical contact. Upset, I asked him what was wrong. Turns out he's mad for coming to see me because I've put on weight, making the trip a waste of his time. FML

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By arose - United States

Today, I did a quick load of laundry so I would have work clothes for the week. I don't have my own dryer so I dried them in the one in my building. After running out to my car, I came back to find that my neighborhood kids had added 6 sharpies to my clothes. Every uniform I own has stripes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Bankstown

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

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By AzrielB

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

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Top comments

By manb91gb | 14

#7862983 - Friday 29 November 2019 8:58

You probably wouldn't have been picked if you hadn't been acting like a child about it.. You were chosen so it would help you grow up

By 7and7is | 20

#7862948 - Friday 29 November 2019 2:11

At 80 he can still hit the wall, that’s admirable.

COMMENTS

By 7and7is | 20

#7862948 - Friday 29 November 2019 2:11

At 80 he can still hit the wall, that’s admirable.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7862950 - Friday 29 November 2019 3:07

Yea I wouldn’t have told my boss no to cleaning that up.

Reply

manb91gb | 14

#7862982 - Friday 29 November 2019 8:57

And you would have been fired

Reply

mfranks19891989 | 10

#7863029 - Friday 29 November 2019 12:27

And I would be fine with that I wouldn’t clean up someone else’s sperm

By manb91gb | 14

#7862983 - Friday 29 November 2019 8:58

You probably wouldn't have been picked if you hadn't been acting like a child about it.. You were chosen so it would help you grow up

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7863046 - Friday 29 November 2019 15:00

Once, my 2 week old baby projectile pooped. All over the wall on the other side of the room. It was impressive and my dad found it hilarious. I let him clean up after his grandson.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7863069 - Friday 29 November 2019 17:22

ouuuu, karma!

By 4EverMarie | 24

#7863074 - Friday 29 November 2019 17:54

YDI for thinking that being a disgusting perv is funny

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7863147 - Saturday 30 November 2019 0:53

Karma; it's not just a chameleon.

By E2dav | 5

#7863164 - Saturday 30 November 2019 3:45

A disgusting pervert isn't funny. He's probs an old predator. Yuck.

By checamuk | 7

#7863299 - Saturday 30 November 2019 20:34

Surely they should summon a biohazard team. If that happened to me I'd be resigning on the spot. Otherwise I'd be adding projectile vomit to the spunky wall decoration.