Intimacy: No kinkshaming on FML - FML

No kinkshaming on FML

By Anonymous - 31/07/2013 16:28 - Belgium - Ieper

Spicy

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 575

You deserved it 9 298

Late term

Preemptive strike

These people never learn

He may be disappointed

By PureFallPain - 23/11/2019 20:00

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 4 995

By notsofriendly - 06/11/2014 20:15 - United States - Austin

Today, a character in the video game I was playing called my character a slut. My boyfriend ripped the controller from my hands, shot him dead, then fired the rest of my ammo into his corpse while yelling "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!" Good to know I'm dating a total lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 726

You deserved it 7 784

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 15:00 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 174

You deserved it 2 683

By bellabreeze - 09/08/2012 03:29 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my son thought it would be a great idea to spray a whole can of spray tan all over my freshly-painted white bathroom walls as an "experiment". He's 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 050

You deserved it 3 339

By abigiggles - 26/08/2018 22:00

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 352

You deserved it 299

Misunderstood

By Anonymous - 14/11/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my Tinder date seemed annoyed that my offer of dinner at my house really was an offer of dinner, not easy sex. Apparently, acting like a real woman with a mind and feelings, as opposed to a hole for his penis to temporarily inhabit, completely ruined his night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 314

By frenchy - 24/03/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124 711

You deserved it 9 135

By julie24 - 30/05/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 172

You deserved it 45 998

By OG Pinecone - 23/07/2019 20:11 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 192

Opening old wounds

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 12:01 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out the garage and found one of my old science fair projects. It was disqualified for outside help and cheating. I didn't do either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 59

By smeeagain - 21/10/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 454

You deserved it 6 347

By JP - 18/06/2009 16:11 - Italy

Today, I went to the bank to make a withdrawal in order to celebrate my last day here in Italy with my friends. Apparently I'm overdrawn by 187 dollars so I'm eating nothing but leftover stale crackers to survive until I get free plane food on my way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 965

You deserved it 47 839

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 764

You deserved it 1 871

By Itstinksinhere - 19/04/2018 15:00

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 548

You deserved it 382

By Anonymous - 15/06/2012 17:12 - United States - Salem

Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a poop in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 208

You deserved it 4 389

By Anonymous - 23/08/2014 18:16 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 486

You deserved it 6 611

Sorry

By Dang - 29/01/2017 18:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in class with a water bottle on my desk. I was on my phone not paying attention, when some girl knocked it over by accident. I went to grab it, even though it was in the corner of my eye. I caught the bottle of water but I also happened to grab her ass at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 378

You deserved it 1 171

By Ima in Hungary - 22/03/2012 12:06 - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 729

You deserved it 2 585

By idontevenlikehamsters - 08/04/2013 00:00 - United States - Manassas

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 907

You deserved it 2 452

By RickTheBoy - 10/07/2013 12:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 402

You deserved it 50 077

By sunshinexx - 07/09/2012 09:50 - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 795

You deserved it 4 334

It's been a while

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 05:00 - United States - Perkasie

Spicy

Today, I finally had someone else touch my man parts. It was my doctor, checking for testicular cancer and a hernia, as part of my yearly physical. He's the only person other than myself to touch my junk in the last 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 184

By trainhump - 20/02/2010 10:54 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 130

You deserved it 3 029

By SeatofIgnorance - 29/08/2017 04:30

Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 4 885

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 862

You deserved it 5 349

By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Spicy

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 707

You deserved it 2 405

By baddaughter - 16/11/2009 17:11 - Canada

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 184

You deserved it 41 465

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 471

You deserved it 52 135

By Anonymous - 31/12/2012 20:04 - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 673

You deserved it 4 173

Eco-friendly

By Anonymous - 31/01/2021 02:01

Today, my colleague heated 1,5 liters of water, waited visibly impatient the several minutes it took to boil, made himself one cup of tea, then poured the rest down the drain. Maximum amount of time and energy wasted in one go? Check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 93

By Noguestlist - 02/03/2011 08:16

Today, on the train, a cute girl gave me her number. After maybe half an hour, she went to her seat and I went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump. I opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 451

You deserved it 9 910

By Anonymous - 01/07/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the store. Because we have no car, we had to walk four miles in the 115 fahrenheit weather. It didn't click until we were standing outside the door with a metric shit-tonne of ice-cream, that we'd have to tear ass back home to keep it all from melting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 248

You deserved it 30 119

By Arcam89 - 22/02/2016 22:37 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 550

You deserved it 1 347

By gottacatchemall - 08/01/2014 05:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 709

You deserved it 28 925

By rowie1311 - 27/03/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 488

You deserved it 31 021

By SG - 24/03/2012 12:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 384

You deserved it 37 287

By obsequiousfannyflapper - 10/02/2013 23:13 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 048

You deserved it 2 970

By Fmyhair - 27/04/2009 18:39 - Norway

Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 167

You deserved it 38 235

By J. Homen - 30/03/2013 22:22 - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 751

You deserved it 5 768

By baffled - 22/08/2012 20:36 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I had to slowly explain to my best friend that when babies are born, the umbilical cord is attached to the baby's belly-button, not the mother's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 463

You deserved it 1 832

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

That must have been one sexy box!

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

I hope you didn't get a paper cut

Comments

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

That must have been one sexy box!

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:02

Who was the girl you were having sexual intercourse with

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:03

what do you think sponge bob and Patrick did in the imagination box

PterodactylMan 23

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:05

She must have been a "Boxy" lady

iazy9 14

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:57

It probably reminded him of his grand father's finger box.

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Thursday 1 August 2013 0:47

Ooh, I don't blame you OP, I mean, boxes these days are very sexy!

fuckedPriceless 17

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Thursday 1 August 2013 0:50

Que Family Guy quote here ~ "It's my sex box!" "No it's my sex box!!" "No it's my sex box! An her name's Carol!"

maximus_prime 24

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Thursday 1 August 2013 1:06

The box must have had sexy flaps, huge but sexy.

WeAreAHurricane 14

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Thursday 1 August 2013 2:47

You should step out of the box next time.

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:11

Well hey, a cardboard box is loyal and won't cheat on OP. (I hope)

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Thursday 1 August 2013 5:55

I mean the female "box" is always fun. I'd say you just created your own fetish OP

tragicnightmare 15

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Thursday 1 August 2013 9:29

"Ooo, look at them sexy corners"

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Saturday 3 August 2013 20:01

I don't know... Maybe OP prefers storage containers with curves. ;)

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Tuesday 6 August 2013 2:30

It must have been a MacBook Pro box.

ohcheriecherie 20

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Friday 9 August 2013 23:26

maybe it was boxxy!

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Monday 19 August 2013 14:22

Was just wondering that, actually.

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

I hope you didn't get a paper cut

thisiscool19 14

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:04

XD Me neither they hurt!!!

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Thursday 1 August 2013 1:03

Yeah. Paper cuts hurt but cardboard cuts are on another level.

angeluv_2014 22

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Thursday 1 August 2013 6:35

What kind of protection would they use? Bubble wrap? Foam peanuts?

ThatStrangeGuy 6

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

Just think, at least it was good. Must've been a super sexy box.

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:08

I just moved to Chicago and I am absolutely surrounded by cardboard boxes right now...

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:26

I'm wondering if OP ate the box too.

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

you must have torn it apart

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

FML just keeps getting better and better.

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:56

He must have had a nice package.

Blackcatluck 19

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Thursday 1 August 2013 0:13

He? Cardboard boxes have genders?

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Thursday 1 August 2013 1:08

Yup... Don't objectify him :P

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Sunday 4 August 2013 2:07

Nailed it.

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:57

Dreams can be pretty weird. I dreamt I was a fighting robots with a cheeto gun. As kool as that is, it does not at all describe me, what I like or who I am. So I think you're safe

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:33

Everyone knows you can't kill robots with Cheetos. You need to use a Doritos bow and arrow to take those fuckers down. Preferably Cool Ranch to short circuit their hard drives.

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 23:37

Believe me..ik. I woke up in sweats after I just lost the battle

Dessert_ed_FML 9

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Friday 2 August 2013 9:01

I read your cheetos and doritos ammo - story and now i am hungry and there's no cheetos and doritos to eat. FML

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:57

"The card reads, From Russia... With Love?"

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Thursday 1 August 2013 4:57

In soviet Russia, sexy cardboard boxes have wet dreams about you. Excuse the bad meme, couldn't help it!

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:58

in your dream, did you caress those luscious corners?

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Wednesday 31 July 2013 22:58

I hope you know "Dick in a Box" isn't about sex with a box.

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Thursday 1 August 2013 2:00

1) cut a hole in the box

izzybd 20

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Thursday 1 August 2013 2:15

Step 2: put your junk in that box

klovemachine 24

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Thursday 1 August 2013 2:38

Step 3: ejaculate :-D

illegalbeagle69 23

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Thursday 1 August 2013 3:59

dumbass.. 3. make her open that box

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 119

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689

You deserved it 799