Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming... - FML

By damnit - 16/10/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25541

You deserved it

4218

Tweet

Share

Messed up

Tense

QAnon weirdoes

By Anonymous - 27/9/2015 12:21 - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25245

You deserved it

1830

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28576

You deserved it

6720

Tweet

Share

By armenta427 - 7/10/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents are 28,000 dollars in debt and that my bank account has $27.17 in it. They took my money to help pay their debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44758

You deserved it

3243

Tweet

Share

By stoggie96 - 22/4/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21496

You deserved it

29012

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34245

You deserved it

6715

Tweet

Share

By helpme - 15/7/2013 17:25 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51452

You deserved it

4623

Tweet

Share

By trackdaddy - 2/5/2017 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4838

You deserved it

408

Tweet

Share

By Ellwood - 22/4/2013 00:27 - United States

Today, my mother met my sister's boyfriend for the first time. As we talked about it later over dinner she said she didn't like him. When I asked why, she paused for a second and said, "Well, he really reminds me of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42972

You deserved it

3372

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/2/2010 11:11 - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12757

You deserved it

42979

Tweet

Share

By dazzla08 - 26/3/2011 00:07

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54447

You deserved it

3314

Tweet

Share

By balloonface - 18/2/2016 07:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19706

You deserved it

2288

Tweet

Share

By sweatstreaks - 16/9/2011 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25020

You deserved it

11456

Tweet

Share

By Uncomfortable - 17/5/2013 07:21

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62597

You deserved it

5289

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 14:23 - United States - Marshall

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26820

You deserved it

5483

Tweet

Share

By myfamilyisodd - 15/10/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32379

You deserved it

5199

Tweet

Share

By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16057

You deserved it

40812

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 15:55 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54091

You deserved it

6003

Tweet

Share

By Casuallydying - 28/4/2017 04:00

Today, I went into my boss's office to confront her about not consulting me before switching my shifts with someone else. I left in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3892

You deserved it

559

Tweet

Share

By escortedout - 23/10/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6110

You deserved it

47024

Tweet

Share

By pottypattypeepants - 31/12/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43506

You deserved it

19557

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31034

You deserved it

5085

Tweet

Share

By :( - 28/3/2014 20:25 - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40572

You deserved it

4798

Tweet

Share

By Kristopher - 8/3/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24526

You deserved it

3479

Tweet

Share

By Unemployed - 21/9/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46625

You deserved it

2730

Tweet

Share

By knepmj - 16/3/2016 09:44 - United States

Today, I got locked inside my apartment due to the locking mechanism being stuck, so I had to call off work. They refused to believe me, and insisted that I be in on time or else there would be disciplinary actions taken. Maintenance wasn't available till 3 hours into my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18916

You deserved it

1380

Tweet

Share

By stillsick - 2/3/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39213

You deserved it

3192

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my cousin taught me how to make dinner. My cousin is in first grade and I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13462

You deserved it

41061

Tweet

Share

By diggingaplotforone - 11/8/2012 23:47 - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37047

You deserved it

9535

Tweet

Share

By unsuccessful popping - 18/6/2015 20:09 - United States - Tappan

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32182

You deserved it

2822

Tweet

Share

By NatchezParadox - 9/10/2019 18:00

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2660

You deserved it

526

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 02:45 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45411

You deserved it

5517

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/5/2012 23:52 - United States - Yucaipa

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21088

You deserved it

4242

Tweet

Share

By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - 5/1/2014 20:39 - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43985

You deserved it

4942

Tweet

Share

By DriveNowhere - 31/12/2016 11:50 - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22649

You deserved it

2305

Tweet

Share

By Laptop - 25/5/2010 04:44 - France

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31630

You deserved it

3710

Tweet

Share

By wasted_life - 18/1/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I got demoted at my job. Instead of working with patients, they want me to file. The thing is, I'm a volunteer; I work for them for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22940

You deserved it

3715

Tweet

Share

By AlwaysGottaFML - 20/8/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67401

You deserved it

3943

Tweet

Share

By Swaby - 1/3/2009 08:14 - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64943

You deserved it

4440

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35964

You deserved it

2873

Tweet

Share

By PurpleSloth - 15/2/2013 13:57 - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25812

You deserved it

16037

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By n1rvanat1zed | 0

#623438 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:19

Your dreams are saving on your electricity bill, how is this a FML? I understand the whole "not being able to get laid" thing, but look at the brightside!

By perdix | 29

#623518 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:18

At least your dream was related to sex. It would have been weird if you woke up covered in your own baby batter after dreaming about NASCAR, fishing or power tools.

COMMENTS

By nam3 | 0

#623416 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:12

first

By z411811 | 0

#623417 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:12

iPhone first.

you pretty lame

By n1rvanat1zed | 0

#623438 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:19

Your dreams are saving on your electricity bill, how is this a FML? I understand the whole "not being able to get laid" thing, but look at the brightside!

Reply

PsYcHoSOADLaDy | 0

#624052 - Saturday 17 October 2009 7:36

Terrific Point!

Reply

i_heart_boobies | 0

#964991 - Saturday 20 March 2010 16:13

so true .. .and atleast it was porn .. .not brüno

Reply

FailBear920 | 19

#2027288 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:54

maybe he got wet watching himself doing the five finger shuffle! O.0

By Lkdude77 | 0

#623440 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:21

Lmfao thats actually HIlarious omg how does that happen?

By ilikeu12 | 0

#623449 - Friday 16 October 2009 23:30

haha

By perdix | 29

#623518 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:18

At least your dream was related to sex. It would have been weird if you woke up covered in your own baby batter after dreaming about NASCAR, fishing or power tools.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#623678 - Saturday 17 October 2009 2:10

Or bacon. (;

Reply

perdix | 29

#623715 - Saturday 17 October 2009 2:25

Not Kevin, but maybe Sir Francis. Not that I'm gay, but I loooooooooove the Scientific Method.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#624247 - Saturday 17 October 2009 11:48

http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/2009053

Read.
Melt.
Love.
Moan.
Repeat.

Reply

perdix | 29

#625496 - Sunday 18 October 2009 12:51

I remember that one, and the with the girl whose bf was looking up bacon-wrapped recipes on his iPhone while making out.

I noticed no one called "fake" on either, because bacon is just that good.

Reply

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1588268 - Saturday 23 October 2010 3:21

I've had a wet dream about a crab eating a donut....

Reply

AlwaysWatching | 27

#5877813 - Thursday 6 March 2014 22:02

....personal experience #6?

By FAKEstfu | 0

#623553 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:45

Way to suck at life.....seriously..... YDI. So how does it feel to be the biggest loser on FML?

Reply

head2133 | 12

#3145255 - Saturday 20 August 2011 11:15

Trololololol

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#623565 - Saturday 17 October 2009 0:53

Ewwie.

By RFreedom | 0

#623579 - Saturday 17 October 2009 1:07

YDI for having that attitude

By Metrick2 | 0

#623593 - Saturday 17 October 2009 1:15

at least sum1 was gettin laid. lol