Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
Today, I walked in on my grandfather smiling at his penis. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML
Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML
Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML
Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML
Today, I had to explain to my family why using a registered sex offender as a babysitter is a bad idea. They didn't understand and now my grandmother can't see her grandkids, and my dad is facing a lengthy prison sentence. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
Top comments
oops_im_fucked 8
Vote Op's grandpa!!! 2012!!!
iAmScrubs 19
I'm going to get myself a bumper sticker that says "OP's grandpa 2012".
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (471)
uridea 14
lol why is this bad your grandpa is a genius
dangerranger93 0
He got my vote
jeepy_fml 4
wow i would vote your grandpa as president of security
BbqKirbyAnn 0
I'd vote for him!
OhJohnNo 1
Your grandpa has good ideas.
HappyPickles 11
1. "Stitch their penises to their foreheads" 2. "These evil-doers have weapons of mass-destruction" 3. "We're starting a war in Iraq to bring peace to the Middle East" 4. "We're doing a helluva job looking after everyone in New Orleans" 5. "We're addressing America's financial crisis by giving away millions in free health benefits" ... Y'know, Gramps sounds pretty reasonable by comparison...
Bananaque 0
Haha, I could only imagine the stories you used to hear when grandpa was babysitting you as children. Lol he sounds awesome!
bigbell 0
that needs to be done, so get him to run!
RyNo24 4
I would vote for him!
chynayes 1
The coolest grandpa ever!