Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got home and found my husband, naked with an erection and my panties on his face like a mask. He claimed to be the Panty Bandit there to plunder my booty. I might have indulged his insanity and had sex with him were my mom and dad not right behind me in the doorway. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. I found the treasure in my mouth. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my current booty-call when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed", "moo-ed", and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML
Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML
Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
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Top comments
Hermyoni 0
That is funny. Not only because your husband has a pirate fetish but because your neighbors overheard it.
unkinged44 0
also when u have an ****** yell THAR SHE BLOWS
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Comments (184)
Forever2204 0
ahahahaha that is hilarious
LatinoHeat 0
YDI for that perverted Spongebob fantasy FML you also made the other day.
yabrett 0
Yarrgghh!! Be your neighbors lobsters? We'll send em on thar way to ole' Davy jones's lockarr! Plunders and booty far the lot of ya! Garr!!
iKaite 0
Or walk the plank.
boomlol 0
i fail to see the Fml....
fml__love 0
HAHA, that's awesome but FYL.
shoeofallcosmos 0
Are you kidding? That's not embarrassing at all! Your husband is the BEST!!!
suprabuddha 10
You should have sex with me instead of your husband.
silent__scream 0
lol! that's hilarious. i can totally relate though. my boyfriend had the word "pirate" across his chest with a skull and crossbones. i also bought him two bumperstickers, one reading "surrender the booty" because he has a huge flag hanging in his room that says that. the other saying "my other car is a pirate ship" because we saw that one at taco bell and he wanted me to steal it for him. i could totally see my boyfriend saying something like that durig sex.
anonymous3000_fml 0
no one cares about the bumper stickers that you bought your boyfriend. and seriously, learn how to proofread before posting: durig? not a word. but this FML is hilarious! not really much of an FML though, except FYL for getting to know your neighbors to the point where they have your phone number. or FYL for having a listed phone number if you don't know them. and if you don't know them, then who gives a shit what they think?
allmidnighteyes 11
I'M A PUSSY PIRATE, MY NAME'S JACK SPARROW /awesome reference
plexico 4
If you don't like his pirate shit, turn him into the RIAA!