Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while...

By cumhole - 10/10/2012 02:32 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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Intimacy

Fairytale ending

Abuse

In my day…

By Anonymous - 4/6/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

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By lachaisse - 12/5/2013 12:09 - United States - Vinton

Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send my mom to the spa for Mother's Day. We put the printed sheet with her info into a little box with our card on top. When she opened it, she freaked out and started hugging my dad. Turns out he switched the cards and took all the credit. FML

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By Buggga - 22/8/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

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39979

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By moronicmoroccan - 23/1/2009 10:16 - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

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By Shino - 26/6/2018 19:00

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 02:00

The Breakfast Club 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my husband's high school friends got together tonight. Nothing more pathetic than listening to a bunch of losers reliving their glory days as high school seniors. I honestly thought I would have picked someone better than this. My husband fucking peaked at 17. FML

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734

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 01:43 - United States - Richmond

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

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By nothisfault - 5/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By JackG - 3/3/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

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By chuchie - 12/6/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

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By Megan - 23/2/2009 16:47 - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 21:23 - United States

Today, I rode home alone on a train. I accidentally missed my stop, but wasn't worried about it. My mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company, saying that I was "lost" and "special". They thought she meant I was retarded. They wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 05:39 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

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By American idol - 6/4/2011 06:19

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

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By WTF - 22/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By assoutofuandme - 14/2/2013 07:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

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15064

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By ewww - 26/8/2012 09:21 - United States - Seattle

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

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By strangely - 25/7/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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35093

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By Coccinelle - 5/2/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 06:00

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

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2845

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By Jules - 15/9/2017 17:00

Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML

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3247

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266

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By MissNoFuture - 20/6/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

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By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By stinky car - 16/8/2013 03:18 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

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By anon - 24/3/2012 03:51 - United States - Addison

Today, I went to a concert with my new boyfriend. I had a panic attack halfway through and an ambulance picked me up. My boyfriend met my parents for the first time drunk, in the emergency room. FML

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By leaf hater - 17/11/2011 12:43 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

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By Crippled - 27/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 02:45 - United States

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

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By jesuschrist - 22/3/2020 00:30

They'll go at night

Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML

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1561

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By hakura madada - 22/6/2012 19:41 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

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By thefuckedupbunny - 18/8/2019 20:00

Today, while on the train with my dad, my boyfriend sent me a message. It was a nude, and when I looked, my dad saw. FML

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1504

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

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By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By tbree - 19/9/2014 22:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

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By birdisnottheword - 11/3/2015 13:55 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By hard_headed - 10/9/2010 10:02 - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

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By jobless - 1/12/2015 04:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, HR sent a review email to me asking me to anonymously tell them about my boss. I decided to use this opportunity to tell them what a dick he was. I printed off the review, filled it out, then scanned and emailed it to myself. Or so I thought. Turns out I'd sent the review to my boss. FML

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By twinkie2 - 21/1/2011 08:35 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By Claudine - 30/6/2015 06:18 - Belgium - Li?ge

Today, my boss is on the phone with a Russian customer, who keeps saying, "Speak Russian please!" My boss asks me to translate, as he hired me for my knowledge of Russian. He says something, I translate in Russian, then the customer says, "Speak English please!" FML

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Top comments

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5025415 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:51

Apparently your mouth

By gideeupp | 9

#5025405 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:49

Lol not quite Daddy's little angel anymore.

COMMENTS

By Luxord33 | 8

#5025399 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

addicted2_FML | 6

#5025439 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:57

Whoa! Do you think?!

zandalee | 19

#5025840 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:41

I feel so sorry for your Dad.
Poor bastard!!

draegbomb | 5

#5026057 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:02

I want to know if your boyfriend was wearing clothes when he walked downstairs?

MexicanGinger | 5

#5026313 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:17

You don't say?

WritingWrongs | 8

#5026599 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:44

Embarrassing? That is revolting! What a harlot!

doctorhook86 | 24

#5027313 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:06

1: More like "em-full-ass-ing".

Apparently I suck this morning... but still not as much as the OP.

WritingWrongs | 8

#5027623 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:17

Moderate whatever you want, OP is still disgusting.

imavelociraptor | 6

#5028482 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 23:54

That joke was bad, and you should feel bad...

Carli_M | 8

#5028882 - Thursday 11 October 2012 1:11

Why would you have sex with your dad in the house....

False_Stupidity | 41

#5034527 - Friday 12 October 2012 6:16

Clearly she did not know that anyone else was home or she would have considered the possibility of it being someone other than her boyfriend returning.

PinkieKeen | 20

#5106207 - Friday 2 November 2012 0:47

There was a hole I didn't fill!
Your mouth.

By gideeupp | 9

#5025405 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:49

Lol not quite Daddy's little angel anymore.

onlychildFTW | 33

#5025454 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:00

Yeah far from a little angle. Haha.

tialeanne | 19

#5025512 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:12

Acute angle.

hotshot2626 | 9

#5025689 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

fml121785 | 14

#5025697 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:58

Wow! I wonder what daddy's response to that was!

Classlfied | 4

#5025739 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:11

What what in the butt?

fml121785 | 14

#5025810 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:13

Mine would have been my foot in his butt, that's what!

LMFAOaMIGIT | 3

#5025887 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:07

Today, my daughter became a little whore. FML.

Drigr | 8

#5026092 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:11

With a name like cumhole, and her saying "is there a whole you didnt fill" (implying unprotected sex) while still living with her dad, I think its more like daddy's little slut.

TomPusslicker | 21

#5026363 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:33

Reminds me of the t-shirt that says 'your little princess, is my little whore'...

GypsyRover | 0

#5026724 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:04

Her dad is actually pretty cool. He smiled and gave me the thumbs up.

princessstacy101 | 0

#5026751 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:10

did he really omg

william8691 | 10

#5026853 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:39

Dad replies "YOLO"

lazrus_fml | 2

#5026861 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:40

2- Ill cover you in cum baby!

LilNigga916 | 6

#5026918 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:51

103 - you're a creepy ass dude

MDTeddy | 13

#5027109 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 18:03

Stop assuming that you know who the person is without seeing them and just shut up. Also, Op said a slutty comment.

TinyDude | 10

#5027259 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 18:58

Guess he didnt fill ur mouth as a joke OP xD

SteezinDiego | 3

#5028772 - Thursday 11 October 2012 0:47

Are you Hispanic???

cubefistman | 1

#5029651 - Thursday 11 October 2012 5:25

RIGHT!(x

tigersfan28 | 2

#5029732 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:00

Your cute lol :)

brandeeeeee | 4

#5033979 - Friday 12 October 2012 4:05

Yeah ain't that the truth

erich2014 | 0

#5034812 - Friday 12 October 2012 8:06

You live in Arizona.? So do I

john_quintana | 1

#5147269 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 8:59

Hey emily a mi tambien me Gusta hablar, I'd like to talk too you

Daevas | 18

#6178933 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 1:39

Yeah, now she's a Charlie's angel...

By Bandz_fml | 3

#5025409 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

dmblonde | 13

#5025535 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:16

Is it so hard to type out awkward?

DA14573 | 6

#5025571 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:29

Is it so hard to pass by something so trivial without criticizing it ?

lukemack | 4

#5025736 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:11

Thank you 18 finally someone says something

simonsaysYDI | 8

#5027047 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:39

Right back at you 18 ;)

Meettitan | 14

#5027923 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 21:51

Shall we end this before it turns into an infinite loop of hypocrisy?

aj94w | 4

#5028055 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 22:11

Awkward was only one letter more... Oh the humanity!

MormonPornstar | 7

#5029777 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:13

Damn, I forgot the President got rid of slang.

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5025415 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:51

Apparently your mouth

howrudoin | 11

#5025797 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

benmec | 18

#5025830 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:33

Yes!!!!!!! Best comment ever!

siickman | 7

#5025954 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

moneekAneek | 2

#5025959 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

nellienufflenew | 5

#5026064 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Drigr | 8

#5026101 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:13

Actually 55, I'm fairly certain "they" created thumbs to aid humans in grabbing and holding objects. Using them to show appreciation came much later.

seanc722 | 2

#5026456 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:09

lol at 55 hypocrisy

siickman | 7

#5027347 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:09

Lol 68, i was talking about FML thumbs... You silly troll. :P and i know when i finished my comment i felt the irony and hypocrisy it gave off :x

terrykayez | 6

#5027726 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:58

125 - Shut up

imavelociraptor | 6

#5028534 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 23:59

125- "I don't think that word means what you think it means...."

dinorider_fml | 4

#5028661 - Thursday 11 October 2012 0:22

147- well although you may not agree with his comment, he used hypocrisy correctly

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5029626 - Thursday 11 October 2012 5:13

68- And eventually satisfaction ;)

ngwPHENOX | 4

#5042448 - Sunday 14 October 2012 18:10

I was just thinking that haha

By TheMaster15 | 10

#5025435 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:56

Apparently he missed your mouth.

Edit^ 4 beat me to it while I was thinking of something clever. Sorry guys!!

Haskins54 | 4

#5025877 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:05

Fake ass fml

Haskins54 | 4

#5026452 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:08

Fake ass fml

By junkman6 | 22

#5025440 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:57

Boyfriend "Sir I didn't cum in her I swear she said covered in cum!" Dad " she said filled holes! Only one way to avoid early grand kids" boyfriend cries as dad pulls out pruning shears.

TheMaster15 | 10

#5025467 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:01

What?

fml121785 | 14

#5025700 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:00

Dafuq?!? O.o

drewcat21 | 0

#5025765 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:33

Have you considered therapy?

Harpy20 | 24

#5026112 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:14

Over-active imagination must be from the lack of sex.

doctorhook86 | 24

#5026262 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:57

#7 seems to be writing a play, but apparently forgot to find a proofreader.

GigiMcGee | 9

#5026437 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:04

Or maybe he has been in this situation before.

sibz24 | 6

#5027066 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:44

What the hell?

junkman6 | 22

#5027093 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:55

Similar situation. Her Dad came home early came into the room with pruning shears. Haven't really lived till you've jumped out a second story window into a snow bank butt nekkid jeans and shoes in hand.

Lasagnaa | 24

#5030921 - Thursday 11 October 2012 10:44

You failed horribly with that.

rachilio | 26

#5033056 - Friday 12 October 2012 0:32

I thought that was kinda clever...

B3Y0ND | 3

#5034523 - Friday 12 October 2012 6:13

What are my eyes reading.

kittykat1501 | 31

#6337774 - Thursday 2 July 2015 5:08

Make a movie! PLEEEAAAASSSSE?

By emchocolat_fml | 25

#5025451 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:00

I think you meant "I lay in my bed". LIE - LAY - LAIN means to recline, as you were apparently doing, whereas LAY - LAID - LAID means to put something down, for example to lay your book on the table.