Intimacy: Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while...

By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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19478

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Intimacy

Commando

Great guy

Billy no-mates

By Oragami - 12/6/2020 14:07

Galaxy brain take

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

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1271

You deserved it

204

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By AbandonedHouseWife - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

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47075

You deserved it

2552

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By Dxxk Biter

Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I'm staying single for the next 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7019

You deserved it

670

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By Coyote

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1747

You deserved it

160

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By howrude - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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41532

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By bestbirthdayever - United States

Today, I was at my sixteenth birthday party. My guests consisted of my grandma who I live with, and my 2-year-old cousin she was babysitting. FML

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37652

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By opinaise - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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42994

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Italy - Bologna

Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11836

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1248

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm sick with a stomach flu. For the last 5 hours, I've been going back and forth from the couch to the bathroom. Each time I get into the bathroom, I have to make a choice of whether to sit on the toilet or kneel by it. Each time I have to clean up the other mess. FML

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34553

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

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53690

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By cleangirl - United Kingdom

Today, my new boyfriend was at my flat for the first time. He picked up something in the bathroom and said 'What the hell's this?'. I told him what it was for, and he said 'You girls and your weird female products. Who needs all this stuff?'. It wasn't a female thing. It was shampoo. FML

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39430

You deserved it

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By offuckingcourse - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59540

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By TheLoneSoul - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

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28957

You deserved it

1589

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By kaleigh - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

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41707

You deserved it

10154

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By Nickel

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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3827

You deserved it

239

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25265

You deserved it

5306

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML

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25149

You deserved it

8827

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By chels

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3788

You deserved it

824

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By superbubbles - 23/3/2021 21:30 - Canada

Barfed out

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML

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686

You deserved it

105

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By Butqhy

Today, while in the airport, I had to use the washroom. Upon exiting, I got confused due to an excess of mirrors and walked directly into one in front of an audience. FML

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13388

You deserved it

1824

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By fmT719 - United Kingdom

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

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23523

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I accidentally sent highly confidential patient records to a fired employee. This employee made the biggest song and dance about it, calling every boss possible. I couldn't have sent it to a better person. FML

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2141

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By bluntedone - United States

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

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11002

You deserved it

51980

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By finalfantasy - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

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3740

You deserved it

245

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Pragmatic

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

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24552

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. Right after, he left the room and went to the bathroom to throw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35302

You deserved it

5192

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By poisonhand - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26690

You deserved it

2794

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By MILF - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

64856

You deserved it

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By T. - Australia

Today, after a promotion at work, my new manager made me reset my password for a website we use. To do so, I had to answer the secret question I’d set two years prior. The question was "What is your favorite activity?" The answer I had to type out in front of my manager was "Drinking." FML

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9312

You deserved it

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By Just Lonely - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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14496

You deserved it

964

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By dwood08 - United States - New York

Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML

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33929

You deserved it

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By Hairytoes - United States

Today, I could actually feel my toe hairs flapping in the breeze. I'm a girl. FML

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27651

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17422

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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38325

You deserved it

3084

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By starboy - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28146

You deserved it

20110

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By BoomHeadshot - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7599

You deserved it

32734

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By mike h - United States - Mcadoo

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

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37347

You deserved it

4788

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By outsmartedbykids - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

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51561

You deserved it

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By hatelife - United States

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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61194

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5137

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1208

You deserved it

134

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By holler - Japan

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

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Top comments

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5025415 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:51

Apparently your mouth

By gideeupp | 9

#5025405 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:49

Lol not quite Daddy's little angel anymore.

COMMENTS

By Luxord33 | 8

#5025399 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

addicted2_FML | 6

#5025439 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:57

Whoa! Do you think?!

zandalee | 19

#5025840 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:41

I feel so sorry for your Dad.
Poor bastard!!

draegbomb | 5

#5026057 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:02

I want to know if your boyfriend was wearing clothes when he walked downstairs?

MexicanGinger | 5

#5026313 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:17

You don't say?

WritingWrongs | 8

#5026599 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:44

Embarrassing? That is revolting! What a harlot!

doctorhook86 | 24

#5027313 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:06

1: More like "em-full-ass-ing".

Apparently I suck this morning... but still not as much as the OP.

WritingWrongs | 8

#5027623 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:17

Moderate whatever you want, OP is still disgusting.

imavelociraptor | 6

#5028482 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 23:54

That joke was bad, and you should feel bad...

Carli_M | 8

#5028882 - Thursday 11 October 2012 1:11

Why would you have sex with your dad in the house....

False_Stupidity | 41

#5034527 - Friday 12 October 2012 6:16

Clearly she did not know that anyone else was home or she would have considered the possibility of it being someone other than her boyfriend returning.

PinkieKeen | 20

#5106207 - Friday 2 November 2012 0:47

There was a hole I didn't fill!
Your mouth.

By gideeupp | 9

#5025405 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:49

Lol not quite Daddy's little angel anymore.

onlychildFTW | 33

#5025454 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:00

Yeah far from a little angle. Haha.

tialeanne | 19

#5025512 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:12

Acute angle.

hotshot2626 | 9

#5025689 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

fml121785 | 14

#5025697 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:58

Wow! I wonder what daddy's response to that was!

Classlfied | 4

#5025739 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:11

What what in the butt?

fml121785 | 14

#5025810 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:13

Mine would have been my foot in his butt, that's what!

LMFAOaMIGIT | 3

#5025887 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:07

Today, my daughter became a little whore. FML.

Drigr | 9

#5026092 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:11

With a name like cumhole, and her saying "is there a whole you didnt fill" (implying unprotected sex) while still living with her dad, I think its more like daddy's little slut.

TomPusslicker | 21

#5026363 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:33

Reminds me of the t-shirt that says 'your little princess, is my little whore'...

GypsyRover | 0

#5026724 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:04

Her dad is actually pretty cool. He smiled and gave me the thumbs up.

princessstacy101 | 0

#5026751 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:10

did he really omg

william8691 | 10

#5026853 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:39

Dad replies "YOLO"

lazrus_fml | 2

#5026861 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:40

2- Ill cover you in cum baby!

LilNigga916 | 6

#5026918 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:51

103 - you're a creepy ass dude

MDTeddy | 13

#5027109 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 18:03

Stop assuming that you know who the person is without seeing them and just shut up. Also, Op said a slutty comment.

TinyDude | 10

#5027259 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 18:58

Guess he didnt fill ur mouth as a joke OP xD

SteezinDiego | 3

#5028772 - Thursday 11 October 2012 0:47

Are you Hispanic???

cubefistman | 1

#5029651 - Thursday 11 October 2012 5:25

RIGHT!(x

tigersfan28 | 2

#5029732 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:00

Your cute lol :)

brandeeeeee | 4

#5033979 - Friday 12 October 2012 4:05

Yeah ain't that the truth

erich2014 | 0

#5034812 - Friday 12 October 2012 8:06

You live in Arizona.? So do I

john_quintana | 1

#5147269 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 8:59

Hey emily a mi tambien me Gusta hablar, I'd like to talk too you

Daevas | 18

#6178933 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 1:39

Yeah, now she's a Charlie's angel...

By Bandz_fml | 3

#5025409 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

dmblonde | 13

#5025535 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:16

Is it so hard to type out awkward?

DA14573 | 6

#5025571 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:29

Is it so hard to pass by something so trivial without criticizing it ?

lukemack | 4

#5025736 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:11

Thank you 18 finally someone says something

simonsaysYDI | 8

#5027047 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:39

Right back at you 18 ;)

Meettitan | 14

#5027923 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 21:51

Shall we end this before it turns into an infinite loop of hypocrisy?

aj94w | 4

#5028055 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 22:11

Awkward was only one letter more... Oh the humanity!

MormonPornstar | 7

#5029777 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:13

Damn, I forgot the President got rid of slang.

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5025415 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:51

Apparently your mouth

howrudoin | 11

#5025797 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

benmec | 18

#5025830 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:33

Yes!!!!!!! Best comment ever!

siickman | 7

#5025954 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

moneekAneek | 2

#5025959 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

nellienufflenew | 5

#5026064 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:02

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Drigr | 9

#5026101 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:13

Actually 55, I'm fairly certain "they" created thumbs to aid humans in grabbing and holding objects. Using them to show appreciation came much later.

seanc722 | 2

#5026456 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:09

lol at 55 hypocrisy

siickman | 7

#5027347 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:09

Lol 68, i was talking about FML thumbs... You silly troll. :P and i know when i finished my comment i felt the irony and hypocrisy it gave off :x

terrykayez | 6

#5027726 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:58

125 - Shut up

imavelociraptor | 6

#5028534 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 23:59

125- "I don't think that word means what you think it means...."

dinorider_fml | 4

#5028661 - Thursday 11 October 2012 0:22

147- well although you may not agree with his comment, he used hypocrisy correctly

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5029626 - Thursday 11 October 2012 5:13

68- And eventually satisfaction ;)

ngwPHENOX | 4

#5042448 - Sunday 14 October 2012 18:10

I was just thinking that haha

By TheMaster15 | 10

#5025435 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:56

Apparently he missed your mouth.

Edit^ 4 beat me to it while I was thinking of something clever. Sorry guys!!

Haskins54 | 4

#5025877 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:05

Fake ass fml

Haskins54 | 4

#5026452 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:08

Fake ass fml

By junkman6 | 22

#5025440 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:57

Boyfriend "Sir I didn't cum in her I swear she said covered in cum!" Dad " she said filled holes! Only one way to avoid early grand kids" boyfriend cries as dad pulls out pruning shears.

TheMaster15 | 10

#5025467 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:01

What?

fml121785 | 14

#5025700 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:00

Dafuq?!? O.o

drewcat21 | 0

#5025765 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:33

Have you considered therapy?

Harpy20 | 24

#5026112 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:14

Over-active imagination must be from the lack of sex.

doctorhook86 | 24

#5026262 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:57

#7 seems to be writing a play, but apparently forgot to find a proofreader.

GigiMcGee | 9

#5026437 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:04

Or maybe he has been in this situation before.

sibz24 | 6

#5027066 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:44

What the hell?

junkman6 | 22

#5027093 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:55

Similar situation. Her Dad came home early came into the room with pruning shears. Haven't really lived till you've jumped out a second story window into a snow bank butt nekkid jeans and shoes in hand.

Lasagnaa | 24

#5030921 - Thursday 11 October 2012 10:44

You failed horribly with that.

rachilio | 26

#5033056 - Friday 12 October 2012 0:32

I thought that was kinda clever...

B3Y0ND | 3

#5034523 - Friday 12 October 2012 6:13

What are my eyes reading.

kittykat1501 | 31

#6337774 - Thursday 2 July 2015 5:08

Make a movie! PLEEEAAAASSSSE?

By emchocolat_fml | 25

#5025451 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:00

I think you meant "I lay in my bed". LIE - LAY - LAIN means to recline, as you were apparently doing, whereas LAY - LAID - LAID means to put something down, for example to lay your book on the table.