Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while...

By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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19471

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

Father material

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my husband. He responded with, "Well shit, when do these faucets turn on?" and started honking my boobs. FML

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42493

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5778

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By slicero

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

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8957

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627

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By Jersey girl - United States - Miami

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

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9452

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710

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my teenage daughter found out that she's pregnant, but insists she's still a virgin. Who does she think knocked her up? God? FML

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59969

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7738

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By Roll Tide of Tears - United States

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

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24732

You deserved it

5641

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By WTF - United States

Today, I have to choose between getting a cellphone contract that I need, or a TV that I don't even want, but which my flatmates insist I contribute towards. The same flatmates who eat all my food. This increased grocery bill has left me unable to afford either the phone or TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28848

You deserved it

6515

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By bummed and broke - United States

Today, I bought an $80, "invincible" phone case. One test drop later, my phone had turned into an expensive paperweight. FML

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10810

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34820

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By notamathematician - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42442

You deserved it

2771

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By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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42679

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4086

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By Anonymous - Jordan - Amman

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML

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38139

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5371

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By anugla - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

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55412

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19380

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By concom - Cyprus

Today, I finally found my watch after weeks searching for it. It was on my teacher's wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31563

You deserved it

2081

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By SupermarketSally - Australia - Perth

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9153

You deserved it

577

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By pool party - United States - Rockford

Today, a few freshmen jumped my fence. They decided to take a dip in the pool, so I pulled out a paintball gun. I unloaded over 100 rounds, painting their backs bright yellow. It also dyed my pool yellow, and it'll apparently cost around $500 to repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33244

You deserved it

58891

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By Ido - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

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12198

You deserved it

3061

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By dentinpalevo - Cyprus

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27848

You deserved it

2350

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By Uh oh....

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1013

You deserved it

2634

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

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66860

You deserved it

6349

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31682

You deserved it

13927

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By EricCartman - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48499

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6398

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML

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14033

You deserved it

1052

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By padre74 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

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11254

You deserved it

2366

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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25829

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33860

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By Malakai - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

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48725

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By IB6UB9 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

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66030

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By Maryanne Swain

Today, after I've been sick all week, but still coming in to work (I'm not contagious) because I know that we're short staffed, I sucked it up and came in again, only to find out 3 other employees called in because they're hungover. Now I have to do my job and theirs. FML

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1693

You deserved it

183

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By Anonymous - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when an aging lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she had pickpocketed me of my wallet. FML

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31517

You deserved it

2562

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By Alex - New Zealand

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

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35912

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By Anonymous

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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5834

You deserved it

1671

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By Anonymous

Monday Morning Blues

Today, after a rough night, my husband's alarms started going off at 5 a.m. All 4 of them. Old town road, the Skyrim theme, that lady yelling, "I got shit to do today" and bagpipes. I'm awake. He's not. FML

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1874

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By dollabill009 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50170

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By JONNO

Today, I got fired from my position as a financial investor for giving a client the exact investment he asked for, even though the investment was out of my mandate, and I had gone to my direct manager to authorize the investment. My manager was promoted. FML

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2177

You deserved it

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By lolzboss - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

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16419

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By Anonymous - United States - Shawnee

Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML

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52558

You deserved it

5198

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Sacramento

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, my daughter repeated what she had heard her grandma say when asked to say grace. It happened to be, "Dear God, why the fuck did we invite all these assholes to Thanksgiving?" I don't want to attend any more family gatherings. FML

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700

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17066

You deserved it

21458

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By seussical65 - United States

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

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20705

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By snownerd - United States

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17709

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By Username - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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43568

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By nopethanks - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I woke up really early to get ready for an interview. I guess it was too early because my mom thought someone broke into our house and now I have two bruised ribs. FML

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32802

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Top comments

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5025415 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:51

Apparently your mouth

By gideeupp | 9

#5025405 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:49

Lol not quite Daddy's little angel anymore.

COMMENTS

By Luxord33 | 8

#5025399 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

addicted2_FML | 6

#5025439 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:57

Whoa! Do you think?!

zandalee | 19

#5025840 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:41

I feel so sorry for your Dad.
Poor bastard!!

draegbomb | 5

#5026057 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:02

I want to know if your boyfriend was wearing clothes when he walked downstairs?

MexicanGinger | 5

#5026313 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:17

You don't say?

WritingWrongs | 8

#5026599 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:44

Embarrassing? That is revolting! What a harlot!

doctorhook86 | 24

#5027313 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:06

1: More like "em-full-ass-ing".

Apparently I suck this morning... but still not as much as the OP.

WritingWrongs | 8

#5027623 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:17

Moderate whatever you want, OP is still disgusting.

imavelociraptor | 6

#5028482 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 23:54

That joke was bad, and you should feel bad...

Carli_M | 8

#5028882 - Thursday 11 October 2012 1:11

Why would you have sex with your dad in the house....

False_Stupidity | 41

#5034527 - Friday 12 October 2012 6:16

Clearly she did not know that anyone else was home or she would have considered the possibility of it being someone other than her boyfriend returning.

PinkieKeen | 20

#5106207 - Friday 2 November 2012 0:47

There was a hole I didn't fill!
Your mouth.

By gideeupp | 9

#5025405 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:49

Lol not quite Daddy's little angel anymore.

onlychildFTW | 33

#5025454 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:00

Yeah far from a little angle. Haha.

tialeanne | 19

#5025512 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:12

Acute angle.

hotshot2626 | 9

#5025689 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

fml121785 | 14

#5025697 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:58

Wow! I wonder what daddy's response to that was!

Classlfied | 4

#5025739 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:11

What what in the butt?

fml121785 | 14

#5025810 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:13

Mine would have been my foot in his butt, that's what!

LMFAOaMIGIT | 3

#5025887 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:07

Today, my daughter became a little whore. FML.

Drigr | 9

#5026092 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:11

With a name like cumhole, and her saying "is there a whole you didnt fill" (implying unprotected sex) while still living with her dad, I think its more like daddy's little slut.

TomPusslicker | 21

#5026363 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:33

Reminds me of the t-shirt that says 'your little princess, is my little whore'...

GypsyRover | 0

#5026724 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:04

Her dad is actually pretty cool. He smiled and gave me the thumbs up.

princessstacy101 | 0

#5026751 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:10

did he really omg

william8691 | 10

#5026853 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:39

Dad replies "YOLO"

lazrus_fml | 2

#5026861 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:40

2- Ill cover you in cum baby!

LilNigga916 | 6

#5026918 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:51

103 - you're a creepy ass dude

MDTeddy | 13

#5027109 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 18:03

Stop assuming that you know who the person is without seeing them and just shut up. Also, Op said a slutty comment.

TinyDude | 10

#5027259 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 18:58

Guess he didnt fill ur mouth as a joke OP xD

SteezinDiego | 3

#5028772 - Thursday 11 October 2012 0:47

Are you Hispanic???

cubefistman | 1

#5029651 - Thursday 11 October 2012 5:25

RIGHT!(x

tigersfan28 | 2

#5029732 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:00

Your cute lol :)

brandeeeeee | 4

#5033979 - Friday 12 October 2012 4:05

Yeah ain't that the truth

erich2014 | 0

#5034812 - Friday 12 October 2012 8:06

You live in Arizona.? So do I

john_quintana | 1

#5147269 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 8:59

Hey emily a mi tambien me Gusta hablar, I'd like to talk too you

Daevas | 18

#6178933 - Wednesday 21 January 2015 1:39

Yeah, now she's a Charlie's angel...

By Bandz_fml | 3

#5025409 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

dmblonde | 13

#5025535 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:16

Is it so hard to type out awkward?

DA14573 | 6

#5025571 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:29

Is it so hard to pass by something so trivial without criticizing it ?

lukemack | 4

#5025736 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:11

Thank you 18 finally someone says something

simonsaysYDI | 8

#5027047 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:39

Right back at you 18 ;)

Meettitan | 14

#5027923 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 21:51

Shall we end this before it turns into an infinite loop of hypocrisy?

aj94w | 4

#5028055 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 22:11

Awkward was only one letter more... Oh the humanity!

MormonPornstar | 7

#5029777 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:13

Damn, I forgot the President got rid of slang.

By RougeRamirez | 8

#5025415 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:51

Apparently your mouth

howrudoin | 11

#5025797 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

benmec | 18

#5025830 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 11:33

Yes!!!!!!! Best comment ever!

siickman | 7

#5025954 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

moneekAneek | 2

#5025959 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

nellienufflenew | 5

#5026064 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Drigr | 9

#5026101 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:13

Actually 55, I'm fairly certain "they" created thumbs to aid humans in grabbing and holding objects. Using them to show appreciation came much later.

seanc722 | 2

#5026456 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:09

lol at 55 hypocrisy

siickman | 7

#5027347 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:09

Lol 68, i was talking about FML thumbs... You silly troll. :P and i know when i finished my comment i felt the irony and hypocrisy it gave off :x

terrykayez | 6

#5027726 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:58

125 - Shut up

imavelociraptor | 6

#5028534 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 23:59

125- "I don't think that word means what you think it means...."

dinorider_fml | 4

#5028661 - Thursday 11 October 2012 0:22

147- well although you may not agree with his comment, he used hypocrisy correctly

KiddNYC1O | 20

#5029626 - Thursday 11 October 2012 5:13

68- And eventually satisfaction ;)

ngwPHENOX | 4

#5042448 - Sunday 14 October 2012 18:10

I was just thinking that haha

By TheMaster15 | 10

#5025435 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:56

Apparently he missed your mouth.

Edit^ 4 beat me to it while I was thinking of something clever. Sorry guys!!

Haskins54 | 4

#5025877 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:05

Fake ass fml

Haskins54 | 4

#5026452 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:08

Fake ass fml

By junkman6 | 22

#5025440 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:57

Boyfriend "Sir I didn't cum in her I swear she said covered in cum!" Dad " she said filled holes! Only one way to avoid early grand kids" boyfriend cries as dad pulls out pruning shears.

TheMaster15 | 10

#5025467 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:01

What?

fml121785 | 14

#5025700 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:00

Dafuq?!? O.o

drewcat21 | 0

#5025765 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 10:33

Have you considered therapy?

Harpy20 | 24

#5026112 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:14

Over-active imagination must be from the lack of sex.

doctorhook86 | 24

#5026262 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:57

#7 seems to be writing a play, but apparently forgot to find a proofreader.

GigiMcGee | 9

#5026437 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:04

Or maybe he has been in this situation before.

sibz24 | 6

#5027066 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:44

What the hell?

junkman6 | 22

#5027093 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:55

Similar situation. Her Dad came home early came into the room with pruning shears. Haven't really lived till you've jumped out a second story window into a snow bank butt nekkid jeans and shoes in hand.

Lasagnaa | 24

#5030921 - Thursday 11 October 2012 10:44

You failed horribly with that.

rachilio | 26

#5033056 - Friday 12 October 2012 0:32

I thought that was kinda clever...

B3Y0ND | 3

#5034523 - Friday 12 October 2012 6:13

What are my eyes reading.

kittykat1501 | 31

#6337774 - Thursday 2 July 2015 5:08

Make a movie! PLEEEAAAASSSSE?

By emchocolat_fml | 25

#5025451 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 9:00

I think you meant "I lay in my bed". LIE - LAY - LAIN means to recline, as you were apparently doing, whereas LAY - LAID - LAID means to put something down, for example to lay your book on the table.