By fml9124

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1288

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

Our house, in the middle of our street

Noise

Make it work

By ieatoreos

Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33143

You deserved it

2951

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 14:00

Unsanitary

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1813

You deserved it

284

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22549

You deserved it

11017

Tweet

Share

By IcyWinter - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had to tell my daughter that just because markers say "washable", it doesn't mean that you can draw all over our newly-painted walls. She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45543

You deserved it

6478

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

No justice

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1206

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By vansboy

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31805

You deserved it

3625

Tweet

Share

By ohhelllllno - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66042

You deserved it

19680

Tweet

Share

By hnnhyoo - United States - Oxnard

Today, I got told that I was going to hell for turning down a man that was at least in his 60s. Even after I told him I was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24861

You deserved it

1634

Tweet

Share

By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50013

You deserved it

21024

Tweet

Share

By Pop - United States - New York

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

I agree, your life sucks

49467

You deserved it

4768

Tweet

Share

By karlajjjjj - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40271

You deserved it

11668

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/5/2020 05:00

Beautiful

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1326

You deserved it

440

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30041

You deserved it

4137

Tweet

Share

By dumbteacher

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51430

You deserved it

3172

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32776

You deserved it

3602

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

That's… sexy

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

919

You deserved it

263

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, as part of my job as a performer, I had to show off my skills with a switchblade in front of an audience. A kid shot a rubber band at me. I then needed stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32031

You deserved it

3110

Tweet

Share

By bubbles - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13648

You deserved it

40958

Tweet

Share

By Thankshun - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57300

You deserved it

6597

Tweet

Share

By Holls - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27766

You deserved it

14110

Tweet

Share

By D - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42256

You deserved it

2713

Tweet

Share

By vreenya - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53524

You deserved it

4022

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Rollercoaster

Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42558

You deserved it

3636

Tweet

Share

By Badaboom - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42721

You deserved it

6309

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Richland

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38623

You deserved it

2942

Tweet

Share

By Dope - United States

Today, I tried to sell 2,000 options contracts, but I bought them instead, resulting in a big loss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7706

You deserved it

23179

Tweet

Share

By elena02 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23348

You deserved it

2929

Tweet

Share

By Scottrick - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61013

You deserved it

15577

Tweet

Share

By all by myself - Ireland - Cork

Today, I decided to go to a therapy group to help with my anxiety and to meet people who felt similar. I joked with my friend that no one would turn up as people might feel anxious about going. I was right. I was the only one there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41654

You deserved it

3753

Tweet

Share

By Jessie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47504

You deserved it

9504

Tweet

Share

By wellfuckyoutoo - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26614

You deserved it

1741

Tweet

Share

By pharmn00b - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17841

You deserved it

39118

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3625

You deserved it

12670

Tweet

Share

By Choum - France

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42137

You deserved it

6002

Tweet

Share

By Ugggggggggg - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36484

You deserved it

4840

Tweet

Share

By FaceTime issues - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41973

You deserved it

4987

Tweet

Share

By Username

Today, a snow storm rolled into my small town, leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow. I called my boss to tell her I couldn't drive to work. Her reply? "Walk." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33296

You deserved it

5868

Tweet

Share

By dragonstooth257

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1384

You deserved it

419

Tweet

Share

By [email protected] - France

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33264

You deserved it

11815

Tweet

Share

By apavies444 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents bedroom by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19108

You deserved it

44853

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7845114 - Friday 20 September 2019 16:30

You're lucky your kitten didn't get rocked like a hurricane!

By skippydoda | 32

#7845250 - Saturday 21 September 2019 3:26

Just burn your house down

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7845114 - Friday 20 September 2019 16:30

You're lucky your kitten didn't get rocked like a hurricane!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7845125 - Friday 20 September 2019 16:55

That only happens in Germany.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7845243 - Saturday 21 September 2019 2:04

Kitty wasn't wrong, now was it? ;-)

By skippydoda | 32

#7845250 - Saturday 21 September 2019 3:26

Just burn your house down