By andibartle - 18/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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Instadrama

Social distancing gone wrong

TMI

By Anonymous - 28/6/2017 01:44

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By clu - 10/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

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By missko519 - 22/5/2015 07:36 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

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By Myriam - 18/6/2012 16:05 - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

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By AGeeksWife - 12/9/2012 07:03 - United States - Saukville

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

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By Fubar0906 - 19/5/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 05:51 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By some band player - 10/3/2014 02:09 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By anonymous - 21/5/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By me - 7/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I arrived at the beach for a week's vacation. I walk on the beach only to find they are "rebuilding" it. They have heavy machinery all over the place, they work 24/7, and this only happens every 15 years. Glad I picked this week. FML

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By "Sonofaquiche" - 7/5/2017 00:00

No Ragerts

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By SmallAngel - 22/3/2013 00:35 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out my mom thought I was a lesbian because I dated a girl in high school. I didn't date anyone in high school. Apparently, guys never asked me out because my best friend told everyone that I was her girlfriend. I had a two-year lesbian relationship that I never knew about. FML

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By nojob - 7/5/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

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By gassy - 12/2/2013 14:18 - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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By bkeiya - 8/4/2009 12:49 - Japan

Today, I saw my train pulling in to the station. I sprinted up the stairs and luckily made the train. I looked around and no one was in my compartment. I began to notice that the train was heading down some tracks I'd never been too. I got stuck on an empty train for 3 hours in the train garage. FML

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By DietKelp - 23/10/2015 10:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML

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By philderichmond - 14/6/2009 02:24 - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

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By Lolabunny - 21/8/2018 04:00 - United States - Anaheim

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

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By Poolfool - 3/10/2018 13:30

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I am sick of watching my friend's dog while she is on vacation. In four days, this dog has shredded my mattress, peed on my couches, chewed my kitchen chairs, and attacked my dog while she slept. My friend won't answer her phone, but she does update Facebook non-stop. Ten days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 20:00

Today, I had to go pick up my mother at 3 in the morning. She had been out drinking and couldn't drive. She parties more than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 22:00

Today, a few years after getting mugged inspired me to start hitting the gym and taking karate classes, I was mugged again, this time in front of my girlfriend who I actually met at the gym. I was knocked out with one punch. It was the same mugger with the same neck tattoo. FML

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By preggers - 8/2/2010 10:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

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By donotbelieveinsecondchances - 2/3/2015 14:04 - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, my ex gave me a heartwarming speech about how much he wanted me back. After talking for hours and me finally wanting to get back together too, he started mentioning a date he has with a cute colleague. Conclusion: he wants to get back together, but still be able to fuck the entire world. FML

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By Lord Kane of Flatulon - 6/10/2015 11:13 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, I found out my dad has been using the flip-flops I wear in the shower. The reason I wear them is to prevent myself from getting his nasty foot fungus. FML

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By Silverfeathery - 2/12/2014 02:06

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

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By Bareassed - 29/7/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a water park with my family. They wanted me to stand underneath this big bucket filled with water. I didn't know it tips over, and my swimsuit isn't the tightest, so when all the water fell down, my swimsuit bottoms fell to my knees in front of tons of kids. FML

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By JennyPenny - 17/10/2012 15:53 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

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By Liz - 11/8/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

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By klaatu barada nikto - 20/1/2015 13:23 - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

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By hipster glasses - 16/8/2013 11:08 - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - 22/12/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By NYeeerrr - 9/6/2019 22:00

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By Forever Alone - 16/5/2019 06:14

Hashtag ForeverAlone

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

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By SadAndCold - 11/10/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom - London

Pull your shit together, Bezos

Today, my Amazon delivery was delayed. I just moved to a new place and that delivery had my pillow and blanket. I can't go buy them in person since I'm self-isolating and the heating isn't working either. Guess I'm sleeping in the freezing cold on the bare mattress one more night. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By neednewshoes - 7/12/2017 01:30

Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML

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By fuckall - 19/1/2011 11:05 - United States

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

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By Ashlee - 15/2/2010 15:21 - United States

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML

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Top comments

By Dimercurio | 1

#1564668 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:04

You're fired.

By kai_li | 8

#1564920 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:38

That's embarrassing. However, it's a new job, and old habits take a while to overcome. At least you answered politely.

COMMENTS

By Dimercurio | 1

#1564668 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:04

You're fired.

Reply

Timmo_fml | 2

#1564764 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:19

I think you'll find it was Lord Alan Sugar who coined that phrase first.

Reply

Timmo_fml | 2

#1564807 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:23

It seems I have been given misinformation. My apologies.

Reply

TheWhiteDemon | 0

#1564814 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:24

now hell go back to his old job and keep saying "Hello Old Town Cafe"

Reply

I_iz_special | 0

#1564852 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:29

Hey op made a mistake, and everyone does sooner or later. Why do you assume that (s)he'll get fired?

Reply

caelrion | 1

#1565751 - Monday 18 October 2010 15:55

YDI for working at cafe(s)

By grace9856 | 0

#1564670 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:04

haha

By locachick101 | 0

#1564687 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:07

oh wow that was a stupid thing to do... -_-

Reply

Invasion976 | 6

#5512733 - Thursday 30 May 2013 0:03

It's incredibly easy to make this mistake. Assuming OP has worked at the previous job for a while, it would be drilled into their head considering they answer the phone a lot. Saying it so much leads to you just saying it without thinking. Leading up to this.

By Jimboom | 11

#1564779 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:19

So you have gone from one cafe job to another... Yea.. your life indeed is fooked. But not for the reason you stated

Reply

jok3r_l3tal | 0

#1566571 - Monday 18 October 2010 18:00

Agreed haha

Reply

daytoday21 | 10

#4704543 - Wednesday 18 July 2012 18:37

I'm sorry have you tried to get a job recently? Take your elitism and go shove it

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#5715698 - Monday 14 October 2013 8:59

so you think, that type of job sucks?
if everyone thought like you, we wouldn't have restaurants or cafe's or bars.

By Suth3rnB3lla | 0

#1564788 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:21

Hope you didnt like that job to much!

By kai_li | 8

#1564920 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:38

That's embarrassing. However, it's a new job, and old habits take a while to overcome. At least you answered politely.

By Juneyah1017 | 9

#1564946 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:45

Womp! Womp!

By molil_4810 | 0

#1564956 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:46

…

By jocelyng_fml | 0

#1564963 - Monday 18 October 2010 12:47

I'm guessing you were fired from both of the cafes

By DjeePee | 24

#1565044 - Monday 18 October 2010 13:10

Small mistake? I don't know about you, but imo getting the name of the establishment wrong is a serious fault. I'm not sure whether the boss should or shouldn't fire OP, but it's not good for a shop if the employers don't know where they work.