Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out... - FML

By feltuponthe69 - 8/7/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

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Rock, hard place

The student becomes the master

Headache

By Justmyluck - 15/11/2017 06:00

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By easyontheeyes1 - 1/5/2020 02:00

Romantic afterglow

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Immediately after we'd finished, he said, "Get off, you're making it hard to breathe on top of me." FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By dumped - 27/10/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

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By mackenzie_cain - 14/1/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2014 21:13 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

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By hmmm - 1/10/2013 12:32 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML

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By shaggyberaddy - 5/1/2018 05:00

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2013 20:39 - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

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By Brenda Trejo - 17/1/2018 01:30

Today, my fiancé asked his 13-year-old sister what role she wanted in our upcoming wedding. Her response was "Saying I object!" FML

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By smooth - 31/12/2015 01:39 - United States

Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML

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By danam - 5/7/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By - 11/3/2019 22:00

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

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By sly - 25/10/2010 22:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

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By ChiefKoala - 27/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Rockwood

Vibrate mode

Today, my stomach growled so loudly in class that my professor told us to make sure our phones were silenced. FML

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By BrandNewLemon - 15/8/2015 02:09 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I financed my first car. I also made my first call to AAA when it broke down. It barely had any miles on it and I wasn't even home yet. FML

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By Highschoolisover! - 26/10/2017 01:30

Today, a good friend refuses to speak to me because she found out that I slept with her husband. It happened twelve years before they met. FML

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By Andre - 16/5/2011 04:37

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

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By kagan - 8/8/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2018 01:30

Today, I got a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Hamilton. My friend kept complaining and asking very loudly why it was "just about that one guy". We got kicked out. FML

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By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By dammitvasquez - 12/5/2011 23:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

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By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - 7/8/2013 20:55 - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

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By handymandy - 19/1/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

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By bad timing - 3/9/2019 15:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 21:30 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my mother-in-law yelled from across the house for me to come quickly. She sounded frantic, so I rushed and asked what was wrong. She said, "Nothing." and that she just wanted to remind me that she hates my guts. She'll be living here with me and my wife for the next two months. FML

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By nahalDZ - 20/10/2012 17:29 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

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By ELparano - 29/12/2012 01:21 - Canada

Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

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By - 11/6/2019 12:49

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 03:30

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

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By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By Lespoon - 25/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my mom drove my family to the desert for a themed family photo. We had to wear big frumpy old western-looking clothes in 115 degree weather. Hot and agitated, I muttered, "This is the ugliest thing I've ever had to wear." My mom, looking hurt, replied, "That's my wedding dress." FML

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By bob the builder - 8/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By imscrewed - 11/4/2013 07:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

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By in big trouble - 23/8/2014 12:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

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By hh - 5/12/2014 21:13 - United States - Clear Lake

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. When I got there, I got sent on a scavenger hunt that ended with him proposing to me. FML

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By good citizen - 27/11/2011 08:58 - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's ex. I decided to be a good person and hold the door for her as we walked into the store. She decided to be the bitch she is and stomp on my foot as she walked through the open doorway. FML

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Top comments

By Fyourlife8o8 | 0

#378841 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:05

get off the bus and call a friend/relative possibly

if not have fun with the hobo ;)

By plethora | 3

#378895 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:28

Yo dawg you took the joke too far.

Comments

By mich23 | 10

#378825 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:01

GET OFF THE BUS
what else would you do?

Reply

ilikepie789 | 0

#867823 - Thursday 18 February 2010 5:02

sounds sexy

By dweeman | 0

#378829 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:02

well... that's unfortunate :P
FYL

By Fyourlife8o8 | 0

#378841 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:05

get off the bus and call a friend/relative possibly

if not have fun with the hobo ;)

By shadowoftheday_fml | 0

#378842 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:06

#3 win

By RustySpoon | 0

#378843 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:06

Hey! Hobos need lovin too!

By TC1_fml | 0

#378852 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:09

'cause if you just fall asleep & miss your stop on the last bus you can always walk home...

By Eddie_Collin | 0

#378860 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:13

So i heard you liek hobos...so we put hobos on your buses so they can hobo while you hobo on a hobo hobo.

Reply

plethora | 3

#378895 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:28

Yo dawg you took the joke too far.

Reply

lynnesey | 0

#383652 - Friday 10 July 2009 4:02

agreed.

By musiclife_fml | 0

#378863 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:14

WTF

By RantingSidekick | 0

#378886 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:25

Ooh, frowny face.

By WFMS | 0

#378899 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:29

akward

Reply

Eddie_Collin | 0

#378911 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 16:32

It's "awkward" not "akward." If you're going to post a reply with just one word, spell it correctly.

Reply

_cheeseballs | 0

#379074 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 17:32

Wow, a grammar nazi.
There's always one.

Reply

jjenniferr05 | 0

#379076 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 17:32

touchyy!

Reply

girandwogpig | 0

#379310 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 18:58

He's not a grammar nazi it's just common sense to spell words right....

Reply

felonius | 0

#379320 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 19:07

There's nothing "common sense" about spelling. It's a "good practice", but it's not "common sense".

I think the original commenter meant AK-ward, meaning "bound for the United States of America state of Alaska"

Reply

69chick69 | 7

#3415230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 0:06

37-thats amazing :)