Goblin mode

By WELLFUCKYOUTOO - 14/08/2012 15:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML
I agree, your life sucks 28 518
You deserved it 2 320

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Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!

You should smear it on his car.


Sounds like a very crappy time.

Asscricket? What does that even mean?

That was a shitty joke -.-

You should have taken a photo / video of him doing that and gone to the police with a complaint of trespassing!

27 - Or vandalism. Or if OP saw this as a threat, maybe even assault. That could work as well.

When I see poop outside, I immideately call the police for assult.

May you enlighten me on what an assult is? I'm not familiar with that term.

37, an assult is an assault where the ass is used as the primary weapon. In this case, its contents. Smeared. Yuck.

lol asscricket

34 - Well, when you put it that way... what I meant was, if the boyfriend's crazy enough to do that, who knows what's next?

I saw a dog being arrested for assault once, after shitting on someone's porch...

37- May you enlighten me on what a B3AST is? I'm not familiar with that term.

I have no idea what the hell an asscricket is, but it's my new favorite insult. Provided I can say it with a straight face.

You should smear it on his car.

Don't smear shit on his car OP. Be mature about it and clean it up. If he does anything like that again take a picture. Im not exactly sure if you can call the cops on him but I would assume you could because that is technically vandalism.

It's dog poop. And unless OP is dating a dog, I doubt the DNA is his.

#78 They would already know where he lives because OP would know, so it would be easy to catch him.

Thanks for the thumbs down. Not exactly sure what I said to deserve that but ok.

45- this is fml. No one on here is mature.

97 - Never comment asking why you got thumbed down, you'll just get thumbed down again.

I am actually concerned about OP's ex. He sounds psychotic, possessive and unhinged! I recommend getting a big male, friend/family member to threaten him with violence if he doesn't stay the fuck away from OP. Today dogshit, tomorrow full time stalker..?

I hope you called the cops on him instead of just watching him finger paint with shit and leave. Too bad it isn't legal to slam a baseball bat to his knees.

Technically it is. It would be considered trespassing so they can attack him

I believe that's in America, no?

Yes, in most states in America you can use deadly force against anyone who trespasses into your home. Not sure if it would apply here though since the asscricket was just on the property and not actually in her house. It would really depend on what state this took place. Then again, I don't know where this took place since I can't see it on my app. For all I know, this could have happened outside the US.

It was in Canada

Even in the US, you can't just shoot someone for walking onto your porch, even if they are spreading dog shit on it. You need reasonable cause. God help you people if you ever try murdering someone like that.

That's not legal?! Whoops...

No trespassing signs maybe?

65- in the state I live in it, if you warn them first and they don't leave, you can shoot them.

In the US the only time you are allowed to use deadly force, ( at least in Pennsylvania ) is when you believe that your life is being threatened. So if this was in the states, OP could not simply go and smack the asscricket in the shins with a baseball bat. However this is Canada, so I have no idea about the laws pertaining to trespassing and destruction of property there.

In Canada, if a man tries to rob you at home, and you use physical force on him, he can sue you. Not a good idea to attack. The best you can do is go to the police with hard evidence.

Props on introducing "asscricket" to the vernacular, though!

Yeah, I can definitely think of quite a few uses for the term asscricket. It shall fit quite well in my insult repertoire along with fuckball, shitbird, grand marshall of the idiot parade, etcetera.

Enlist KaySL to help you fill your insult vocabulary. She is great at it. You guys could probably compile a FML insult book together.

Have you ever tried using the term "peniswrinkle"?

I like to use "douche nozzle".

I like to use the term "fuck nugget"

Ever tried shit bucket?

I like sperm farm

Right...I totally laughed my ass off...ass cricket, I'm totally going to use that and the fact that OP is a chick makes it way more awesome cuz usually it's the male calling a chick something like that...

How about "cocksore"

There is always penis breath

well fuck you too

No! Fuck me! Wait that isn't right?

Guys.... look at the name of the FML poster

I thought 7's comment was pretty obvious.

You must be the ex.

This is why you need a paintball gun to take to his car and/or shoot him while he's on your property outside your window.

Don't load it with paint, though. There is ammo much more appropriate.

Go an extra level psycho to get rid of him. Cut off his balls, glue them to his chin, and call him Peter Griffin.

Ball Chinian? (dunno how that'd be spelled)

No, this is Patrick..

Haha who the bitch nowww!!

Where I come from that's how people propose marriage. Congratulations on your engagement! I'm buying you a blender.

lepuppykicker 15

I'm buying them a pooper scooper.

Doc, you seem to get involved in weddings a lot. You should really have a part time catering business. I'm sure you'd be excellent for the job.

I agree with #20, extra money wouldn't hurt:)

Maybe he should just become the priest. Then people would be able to consult him on the many ways in which you can marry someone from Doc's country.

Sounds like a very classy man.