Love: Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double... - FML

By fmlfmboyfriendah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

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Late term

Vulture

Sister of the year

By Telinaa - Australia

Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying, when an elderly man bumped into me. The shirt fell out of my hand, and slid just out the door. I went to the counter to explain what happened. Everyone accused me of trying to steal it anyway. FML

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By Sleepy head - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

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By Isabell - Australia

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

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By BreechInEducation

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By RazorBumps - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I have "crotch acne". When I attempted to explain that I have razor bumps from shaving, he got mad and said I was lying and insecure about my obvious facial and bodily acne problem. FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By kayin - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML

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By what the FUCK - United States - Midlothian

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

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By gb - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

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By Username

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

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By Bugga2018 - United States - Freeport

Today, I went into the basement to do laundry. There is a little rope on the outside of the door to lock it. I was down there for 20 minutes, and came back up the stairs to find it locked. Turns out, my 3 year-old sister did it, then our parents took her to the park. I was stuck down there for 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my soon to be ex-wife told her friends that we're getting a divorce because I'm physically abusive. I guess that sounded better than the truth: that she waited 8 months into her pregnancy to tell me that the child probably isn't even mine. FML

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By Mutton - 8/3/2021 17:01

Too passionate for me

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

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By idiot - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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By Rotarius - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By ThatTrafficCone - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my boyfriend let out a horrible fart in the middle of sex. Even though it was clearly his, he gave me disgusted look, called me a dirty bitch, then kept going. Let's just say I didn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous

No exit! No choice!

Today, I drove my car and suddenly I got diarrhea & shit my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then, one of my work mates saw my car and came to say hello, she saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

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By jackjona - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, I closed the store on my own for the first time. As I was locking the front door, the key broke. Now half the key is stuck and the door is still unlocked. I have to stay until we open in the morning and I'm not getting paid for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

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By righthook - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

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By SHIIIIITTTT - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

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By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By notastoner - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML

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By anne - Germany

Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML

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By cheaters_should_die - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

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By shitface - Australia

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

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By sofked - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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By me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By BoomHeadshot - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

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By Tim - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

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By Savannah - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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Top comments

By supafly208 | 0

#1911 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:12

don't take it personal.. he was probly just trying to make you laugh..but then realized it's only funny to him... :)

By midnyte | 0

#2070 - Saturday 14 February 2009 6:56

Of all the things to grab while laying down together, he grabs your chin....

COMMENTS

By president_benson | 0

#1904 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:59

LOL!

By supafly208 | 0

#1911 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:12

don't take it personal.. he was probly just trying to make you laugh..but then realized it's only funny to him... :)

By petra_fml | 0

#1916 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:21

that's happened to me too :(

By Spencer_fml | 0

#1935 - Friday 13 February 2009 20:14

#6 is right, we guys find the oddest things attractive, and he probably only did it because you were laying down and it was a little more noticable. Don't take it too personally it just means he really likes you.

By Mattrocker | 4

#1953 - Friday 13 February 2009 21:58

I say dump his ass

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2008 - Saturday 14 February 2009 2:09

Try having fewer chins.

By midnyte | 0

#2070 - Saturday 14 February 2009 6:56

Of all the things to grab while laying down together, he grabs your chin....

By Melly_fml | 0

#2105 - Saturday 14 February 2009 10:40

DUMP ASAP

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#3446871 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 0:54

It was just a joke.. It's not really a good reason to dump someone....

Reply

Vintage_Cola | 29

#6502225 - Tuesday 5 January 2016 14:41

Today, after my boyfriend made a completely innocent mistake that bothered me enough to type up on FML, I was told to dump him immediately. FML

By Novaeangliae | 0

#2925 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 9:00

That sucks and all but that made me laugh really really hard!

By casanova_fml | 0

#2983 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 13:07

possibly joking...but if it smells and feels like you've been doused in theater butter after sex....lose the weight. seriously.