Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job, an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML
Today, I held a door open for a sweet old lady with a walker. After she went through the door, she turned and said, "That's not how you're gonna get into my pants, son." FML
Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML
Today, I'm reading in the subway sitting one leg over the other. An old lady sits down next to me. After quietly examining me for about two stations she leans over to me and whispers in my ear: "Girl, sitting like all the time will make you end up with a crooked c**t". I'm a man. FML
Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML
Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML
Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML
Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML
Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML
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Top comments
Psycho_Babydoll 26
Awwh c'mon, that's funny as hell.
RedPillSucks 33
All the more reason why she's a strange man.
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Comments (93)
perdix 31
"That might have been a nice tushie in the 1950's, but it doesn't cut it in 2013." If Marilyn Monroe were active today, she'd be considered a fat pig. (We're so ****** up!)
LarryLaDouche 13
I miss the curves man.
tonijulie 20
Amen. We are f'd up these days
upallnight11 19
Hmmm... I guess 'I put some new shoes on and everything's right' doesn't apply here.
bReLiNg 18
Cue to turn around and say " And you smell like peanuts. I like peanuts." Might be crazy enough to make her shuffle away.
LovesSushi 25
And now I have baby got back stuck in my head...Don't want none unless you got buns hon'
slingo234 12
I hope I see this on impractical jokers
Steve95401 49
Your parents must have done a good job rearing you.
Steve95401 49
Is "breaking it in" an analogy?
Kittycorn 17
I'm sorry, you just reminded me so much of Maurice...
yresim 12
It was a compliment. It's not like she touched you. Appreciate it and move on. Even if it was creepy.
MillerBeerTime 5
It's even better if you read it in the old mans voice from Family Guy
honestjane 22
I did. I can't decide if it made it funnier or creepier.