Love: Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend... - FML

By just_a_bit_akwRd - United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

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Commando

Not now!

Noise

By M. Moore

Today, I was gathering laundry around the house. I forgot my son was almost 13, and grabbed the very stiff socks from under his bed with my bare hands. FML

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By Ouch - Canada

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

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By SharpeOne

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

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By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

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By DrySpellcaster - 7/10/2020 16:57

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

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By thedeerman - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By HairyBoobs - United States

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "Cars" by Gary Numan

Today, I ran a stop sign that was completely obscured by foliage, in a city I was unfamiliar with. A city bus then T-boned me. My car is now totalled, and I’m afraid this will now go to court. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML

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By SheaLili - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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By jcesom - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By welted - Canada

Today, my fiancé and I decided to engage in some erotic food play. She covered every region of my body, including my genitals, with strawberry sauce. Today also happens to be the day that I found out I'm allergic to strawberries. FML

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By defrauded - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By micheal - United States

Today, while I was delivering pizza in the torrential downpour, I waited 5 minutes in the pouring rain for an old lady to dig 20 bucks out of her purse. Her total was $19.99. She told me to keep the change and make lots of money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

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By uglyyyyy - United States

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

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By squishy - United States

Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML

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By baconman86 - United States

Today, I put my good shoes out the window and on the roof to dry out because they were sopping wet. When I went to check them later on, they were still wet. And soaked in bird poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By Nicoli - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

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By damn... - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

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By desigymrat - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

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By yourekillingme - United States - Mission

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By Turbo

Today, as a truck driver, I was flipped off, cursed at, told to go to hell and several other obscenities because I was a half-hour EARLY to my delivery. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wannabe psychologist of a brother accused me of lying about all the violence and emotional abuse my ex inflicted on me, all because I went into "too much detail" when describing it, which he says is something only liars do. Thanks for the support. FML

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By parkertownparadise - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

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By karmasabitch - United States

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

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By Ama_544347571 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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By missko519 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

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By blink_kid - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By oboy - United States

Today, after ten minutes of squishing my boobs together for my boyfriend, trying to get him to stare, he glanced at them then blankly said "I've seen better tits on my mom, so baby just stop that" and smiled. FML

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By Blah

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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Top comments

By georgia_fml | 0

#456121 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:39

I'd go shove it on her chest.
Oh well, she sounds funny :P

By Chaith | 16

#456127 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:45

Make your way to electronics in the nearest department store.. swipe a kiddy game for $7.99 or so..

Next time you see her with a low cut top, put the 'Early Childhood' sticker between.

Lolol

COMMENTS

By Hanagumo | 0

#456109 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:33

time to ditch her!

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#456168 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 13:24

.

Reply

lmmmr | 0

#456427 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 16:41

What is with the "I can't take a joke" FMLs lately?

Reply

SpitFyre | 0

#456489 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 17:14

Seriously. Get a sense of humor.

Reply

divineinstrument | 2

#456687 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 18:53

Actually a lot of FMLs are posted for the comedic value, so it's possible that the OP found this funny... I know I did!

Reply

chinolatino | 0

#456948 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 20:38

@#78
Funny is My Life, anyone?

Reply

theweirdshipper | 0

#457090 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 21:46

Go Yoda. And that dude's girlfriend!

Reply

curryndricegirll | 0

#457488 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 0:25

haha. obviously she has a sense of humor.

Reply

dowhatiwant | 0

#457531 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 0:48

did any of you saying get a sense of humor consider that it's probably not an FML because his girlfriend made a joke, but because he has a small dick?

Reply

bbobe900000 | 0

#458296 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 6:44

I agree with #78.

by the way... burying #19's comment? really??????

I am just amazed that people actually think there is a reason to bury that. Oh no. He put a dot. Time to bury. lol really people

Reply

nutbiscuit | 0

#474347 - Monday 10 August 2009 16:19

lol she sounds like a character, keep her, need more girls with a sense of humour

By cactus_fml | 0

#456114 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:36

Hahahahahahaha, nice.

Reply

fudgesicle | 6

#2708040 - Saturday 18 June 2011 10:42

I would have done the same thing.

By 8trickster8 | 0

#456115 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:36

Ahahahah she sounds awesome

Reply

Ana_Aryani | 0

#456248 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 14:54

Fucking A!

She sounds like the biggest champ :D

By georgia_fml | 0

#456121 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:39

I'd go shove it on her chest.
Oh well, she sounds funny :P

By timtam24 | 0

#456125 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:42

hahaha it was a joke (or so i assume) don't worry about it

Reply

fudgesicle | 6

#2708046 - Saturday 18 June 2011 10:44

I'd worry

By Chaith | 16

#456127 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:45

Make your way to electronics in the nearest department store.. swipe a kiddy game for $7.99 or so..

Next time you see her with a low cut top, put the 'Early Childhood' sticker between.

Lolol

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#456177 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 13:32

You Win #6!!

Reply

blueworld_fml | 0

#456258 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 15:07

Yes! or anything with "TRAINER" on it...

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#457201 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 22:43

YES! Perfect.

Seriously, I do hope this was a joke, because... I have recently discovered most women have no idea what the hell a "small" penis is. They think their giant dildos are accurate depictions of dicks.

Reply

jumpman3000 | 0

#457463 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 0:15

GENIUS

Reply

Quid_Pro_Quo | 1

#6722512 - Wednesday 14 December 2016 6:12

That's one of the reasons I don't want to use any. Especially before I even try a real one, I don't want to spoil the first experience.

By GreenDaysGeekGrl | 0

#456131 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:49

LMAO

By sireen | 0

#456132 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:50

are guys THAT sensitive about their penis size? she was kidding.

Reply

Faced159 | 0

#456732 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 19:11

lololol you're great. Also... What guy wears x-small pants? OP must be emo... possibly because of his small penis. :D

By cyxx | 0

#456135 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:54

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA!! Please ask her if we can be best friends.

Reply

growingupnextmon | 3

#456157 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 13:13

Yes.

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#456179 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 13:34

Yes We Are!!! Thats the thing that makes us Guys right?? It is verrrrrrry important for us.

Reply

cogburca | 0

#456214 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 14:24

yes.... my boyfriend's "short" so when i tell him he's a "small guy" he takes it super offensively. guys are waaaaay too sensitive, but i guess that's what makes them guys!

Reply

Chasted | 0

#456216 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 14:24

A guys penis is a womans weight/age/wrinkles/whatever.

Reply

maddog_fml | 0

#456289 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 15:29

@#9
So why do women get boob jobs??
If the OP had said that his gf had small tits, she def had post an FML.

Reply

Alexgoesfml | 3

#456300 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 15:37

Seriously, girls shouldn't kick us in the crotch to teach some of us a lesson, just tell the guys they have a small penis. It will shut them up forever. It shows how pathetic some guys man-ego are.

Reply

jet_fml | 0

#456699 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 18:56

not necessarily. some of us like being smaller :)

Reply

DrAwesome | 6

#456995 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 21:00

#79, wake up, honey. You've been talking in your sleep this whole time. Reality's a-knockin'.

Reply

bsias4ever | 0

#631694 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 18:46

haha good luck with that...YOU FAILA

By voodootrucker | 0

#456140 - Tuesday 4 August 2009 12:57

bullshit do you buy jeans at the dollar store don't think i ever saw jeans not sold in number sizes

Reply

hebron77 | 0

#3399384 - Friday 7 October 2011 5:15

Or it could just be another designation besides the number. I know I've seen alot of clothes like that.