By jcc - Russian Federation

Sage advice

Today, I'm reading in the subway sitting one leg over the other. An old lady sits down next to me. After quietly examining me for about two stations she leans over to me and whispers in my ear: "Girl, sitting like all the time will make you end up with a crooked c**t". I'm a man. FML

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Triage

Messed up

Great guy

By Matt - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML

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By aloneinaz

Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML

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By Vermont? - United States

Today, in my AP U.S. history class, we had a very long, very slow discussion about whether or not Vermont is a state. I think I lost brain cells. FML

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By jacques - Australia

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

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By hated - United States

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ely

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

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By Vanessa8221 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes co-workers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

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By Anon - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

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By twistedelegance

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

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By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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By he is going to hell - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

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By elrjay - Spain - Madrid

Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockville

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

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By herANDi - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I'm already a clumsy person but became extra clumsy because I was nervous. After knocking over my drink for the fourth time, my boyfriend's mom angrily shouted "Did you actually come drunk for the first time meeting us?" FML

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By SSH - United States

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

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By 16590 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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By wow - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that I wasn't really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

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By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By amy

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/8/2020 14:19 - United States - New York

Just a friend

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

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By preggers with probs

Today, I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband says he needs time for himself. This apparently means he will be romancing and sleeping with other women so he can "relax". FML

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By wth? - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By FullOfNick - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

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By kimosabe - United States

Today, at work a woman came up to the check out counter and when I greeted her she said "oh honey, you are so beautiful!" I immediately smiled and thanked her, then she looked at me and said "oh, not you." and then pointed to her ear. She was on her bluetooth. FML

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By ugh - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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By Breadline single mom - 26/12/2020 19:56

"Life is unfair…"

Today, my deadbeat ex-husband who works at a country club was invited to play poker with some club members as they needed a last player. He’s rubbish at poker but got some lucky hands and ended up winning £112,000 from those rich guys. Life isn’t fair. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By sneezeattack - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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By megaladon - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

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Top comments

By N_aero | 0

#6467 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:51

Even worse... as a guy it cuts of the flow of blood there... NOT GOOD... unless u have a particularly small package. In that case, carry on, nothing to see here.

By Arbitrary | 0

#6457 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:34

Why were you sitting like that in the first place...?

COMMENTS

By blacklagoon_fml | 0

#6450 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:22

Hahahaha, oh man. That sucks! Old people are crazy

Reply

b182link | 0

#1037646 - Monday 21 June 2010 0:54

um... you must have a really small penis, cause that hurts

Reply

SarahPicc | 3

#1619274 - Friday 29 October 2010 4:48

ydi for thinking examinating is a word. idiot.

Reply

clojo1112 | 0

#2443330 - Monday 2 May 2011 5:43

is he gay? guys don't sit like that.

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#2609064 - Friday 3 June 2011 2:01

I thought c*** was a racist insult please help???

Reply

justynicole | 0

#2854604 - Saturday 9 July 2011 8:26

I LOVE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE. *runs to store to buy kitten and various color hair dye.

By Arbitrary | 0

#6457 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:34

Why were you sitting like that in the first place...?

Reply

danceforever51 | 4

#3926426 - Monday 23 January 2012 0:03

Why not

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4459130 - Sunday 20 May 2012 14:36

Cuz it's comfy as hell.

Reply

LiterOfCola | 16

#5175054 - Thursday 22 November 2012 20:06

It hurts your testicles is why not

By N_aero | 0

#6467 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:51

Even worse... as a guy it cuts of the flow of blood there... NOT GOOD... unless u have a particularly small package. In that case, carry on, nothing to see here.

By heathallin | 0

#6477 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 17:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Moonlightring | 14

#5914970 - Tuesday 15 April 2014 4:56

What other kind of "crooked" could the old lady have been talking about?

By Raven_fml | 0

#6481 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 17:05

Wtf, how would that even be anatomically possible? Batshit crazy old people.

By davidhowland14 | 0

#6484 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 17:12

examinating?

By Tri_fml | 5

#6499 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 18:04

Gender confusion is one of the signs of senile demensia, don't take it to heart, lol. Sounds like a charming old dear though ;)

Reply

madster88 | 0

#2565346 - Thursday 26 May 2011 3:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

BarcodeDragon | 0

#3124190 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 8:12

Look who's talking, silly.

Reply

klimpomppp | 9

#5380368 - Sunday 24 February 2013 0:39

63- please kindly die now

Reply

kailarahne | 19

#5896452 - Wednesday 26 March 2014 16:48

When I was maybe 11 my younger sister and I volunteered at an Old Folks Home and this older woman we were speaking with kept telling my sister she was "such a beautiful boy". her hair was longer than mine. she cried

By mcrluver123 | 0

#6519 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 18:52

WTF IS A C**T!!!

Reply

ryanchew3 | 0

#2144024 - Thursday 3 March 2011 6:09

lol

Reply

CreepInTheCorner | 11

#5312023 - Monday 7 January 2013 2:36

Cunt.

By alwaysalady | 0

#6521 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 18:54

@ 13 that is a slang, and generally rude term meant for female genitalia. It is generally not used in polite conversation, unless you are talking to a wonderfully confused, crazy old person, like the OP. And even then it's questionable.

By davidtheday | 0

#6537 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 19:12

#14: Unless you're in the UK. They throw cunt around like it's an everyday word. And it should be. I like to preface it with "stupid".

Reply

Feklfekl2222 | 32

#5359525 - Friday 8 February 2013 17:18

It's not a common word in the uk...