Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw...

By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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Miscellaneous

Vulture

Trip Advisor says no

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By vlcardenx3 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By burnswhenipee - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

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54128

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By hnickell93 - United States - Visalia

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

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By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

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By Notyourstepmom - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a wedding reception with loud music. A guy told me that his sister couldn't be there because she "went home to be with her boy." I said, "That's too bad, she's missing a great party." He paused and repeated, "She went home to be with her LORD." FML

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By poorman - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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By forever alone

Today, I was so desperate for someone to talk to I called various restaurants pretending to be interested in ordering food, just so I could have a conversation. I called eleven different places. FML

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By Jussy - 26/1/2021 17:01

Report card

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

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By elena02 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By Queerbait - Australia

I'm not, but…

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By LynzG

Today, my boss called me Ashley. My name doesn't even start with an A. I even wear a name tag. You would think after nearly four years, your boss would remember your name. Every time he speaks to me, it's a different name. FML

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By boringhusband - United States - Salisbury

Today, while at dinner with my wife, she asked me what was on my mind as I stared blankly at the window. "Nothing" was interpreted as, "We are boring, and can't stand each other." FML

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By Greg

Today, I arrived to apply for my much-needed dream job. Without warning, just as the elevator opened, a complete stranger kicked me square in the nads. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By awkwardballer

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

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By shrutisoma - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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By trollbot13 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my boss's words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

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By Fhhmylifeman - 11/4/2021 11:00

Geography

Today, I invited my Peruvian girlfriend to my parent’s house for dinner. They decorated the house with Mexican flag and Fiesta lanyards, and bought Taco Bell. My girlfriend is vegetarian and had to explain to them that no, Peru is not a city in Mexico. It’s been 3 hours and she won’t pick up her calls. FML

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By Ihatemyfamily - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

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By Ann - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By pain - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

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By Lvdkinda - United States

Dammit

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

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By Soaked - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 14:01

Put the booze down

Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

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By MedHistory - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By asthmatic - United States

Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

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By Scat - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By Mothertucker

Today, I came across one of the pitfalls of having open discussions with my 15-year-old son when he asked me how to shave his pubes. FML

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By VoodooPriestess

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By AlexK - United Kingdom

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

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By Whoops...

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

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Top comments

By omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5865617 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

That's "snot" good.

By extrasnipes | 22

#5865624 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Is it me or do bad things only happen around attractive people?

COMMENTS

By bleeping | 5

#5865612 - Saturday 22 February 2014 12:58

That's one way to get the boys!

By omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5865617 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

That's "snot" good.

andrewturtle | 16

#5865656 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:06

I think OP 'nose' that it's not very flattering.

Queen_bee1234 | 21

#5865659 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:08

I think OP had a chance but blew it.

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865820 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:04

some random comment about you guys being nosy in all of this...still trying to make sense of it . Smells like failure to me. ;(

flame5768 | 14

#5866123 - Sunday 23 February 2014 3:27

loloololololol

SheTheOtaku | 21

#5866253 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:01

Oh, haha. Very Punny of you.

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5866304 - Sunday 23 February 2014 10:08

#34 You little booger.

By vegetaftw | 28

#5865618 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

Hot.

False_Stupidity | 41

#5865872 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:03

Snot is Hot?
Or do you need air-conditioning?

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5865992 - Saturday 22 February 2014 22:46

It's a joke^

By onlychildFTW | 33

#5865619 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:03

You must be a hardcore giggler! I've never managed that.

By chutney_02 | 22

#5865620 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:04

If he's worth it, he'll understand :)

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5865625 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Not exactly a way to look attractive though...

By extrasnipes | 22

#5865624 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Is it me or do bad things only happen around attractive people?

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865822 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:06

Agree ....lucky is not my middle name....wait what ??!

ClearlyImFunny | 12

#5865967 - Saturday 22 February 2014 21:55

No its just you never hear, " farted infront of this guy who looked like he had been hit by a train. Fml"

zandalee | 19

#5865980 - Saturday 22 February 2014 22:19

My brain just imploded...

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5865626 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:07

It could have been worse, at least you didn't... nah, that was really bad. FYL!

leary96 | 15

#5865711 - Saturday 22 February 2014 16:05

There's a button for that.

By Nickb55 | 16

#5865632 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:15

That snot good I hope he nose that it wad an accident

TylerBurden | 21

#5865735 - Saturday 22 February 2014 16:56

That was too much.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5865634 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:16

He's snot gonna find that attractive.

By sydstoomuch | 19

#5865635 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:17

Lmfao!!!!

juan3611 | 14

#5865692 - Saturday 22 February 2014 15:21

Your profile picture..I'm drawing it atm for my art project o.O

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865825 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:07

-Has joined random chatroom #21067978.
-Talal: art project ! wow !! what else have been going on in your life mate ?