Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw...

By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

And today, on Dr Phil…

Phone call anxiety

By tacky_unrefined - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By klm878 - United States

Today, at work, my manager fell in front of an entire lobby full of people on a wet floor. I'm the only one who burst out laughing. Turns out she has a broken arm. FML

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By Dirtisgood

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

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By houdini - United States

Today, I went to a fast food restaurant. The guy behind me was a pretty hot latin guy. When I went to pay, my purse fell off the counter. My birth control pills, a condom, 3 super plus tampons and an extra pair of underwear I keep in there for emergencies fell out at his feet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

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By shizzy09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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By Undercover - United States

Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML

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By catattack78 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By Agirl - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

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By aylla - Canada

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

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By MrOh - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

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By ewww - United States - Seattle

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

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By misspukesalot - 14/7/2020 14:02

Two-way street

Today, at 7 months pregnant, I have come to accept the morning sickness isn’t going to ease off. It’s so severe that I don’t make my meal choices based on calories or even cravings, rather on how bad it’ll taste when it comes back up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, neither I nor any of my coworkers understand why our boss hates me enough that I feel the need to carry pepperspray on me at all times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

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By huh? - 22/7/2020 20:00

Race against the clock

Today, we found out that my 13-year-old cousin is pregnant. My mom then turned to me and asked why I decided to wait so long. I’m only 20. Instead of being worried that this young girl has potentially ruined her entire life, my mom just complained that her sister "gets to be a grandma first." FML

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By Screwed - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

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By Samm Povich - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

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By foreveralone - Australia - Perth

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

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By Chilly - United States - Wasilla

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Today, I actually took pleasure in sniffing my armpits after 2 days of not showering. FML

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By pixie09 - United States

Today, I got sentenced to 20 hours community service for having a boy in my room an hour after floor hours. If I don't do the community service, I could get kicked out of the dorm and put on probation at my college. We were breaking up. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to play a murderer in an interrogation room. I got really into it and started pounding on the windows to try to "escape". The thin glass smashed. Four hours in casualty, stitches and plastic surgery pretty much sum up my mood. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out my brother doesn't have a problem with "keeping it in the family". It's now up to me to explain why our cousin is pregnant with his kid. FML

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By Holly - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was carrying some luggage downstairs to put in my car to head back to college. My brother told me my shoes were untied. He said he would tie them for me as I was carrying luggage. I fell down the stairs because he thought it would be funny to tie them together. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

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By strandedguest - United States

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

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By meantowheels - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By Foolish - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By talt

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

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By angrypetowner - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

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By benander - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 08:01

Self-own

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

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By mommymo - Australia

Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, 'So, does this mean you're going to start drinking with us again?' FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 05:00

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By SMRT - United States - Chattanooga

Geography for Dummies

Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML

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Top comments

By omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5865617 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

That's "snot" good.

By extrasnipes | 22

#5865624 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Is it me or do bad things only happen around attractive people?

COMMENTS

By bleeping | 5

#5865612 - Saturday 22 February 2014 12:58

That's one way to get the boys!

By omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5865617 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

That's "snot" good.

andrewturtle | 16

#5865656 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:06

I think OP 'nose' that it's not very flattering.

Queen_bee1234 | 21

#5865659 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:08

I think OP had a chance but blew it.

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865820 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:04

some random comment about you guys being nosy in all of this...still trying to make sense of it . Smells like failure to me. ;(

flame5768 | 14

#5866123 - Sunday 23 February 2014 3:27

loloololololol

SheTheOtaku | 21

#5866253 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:01

Oh, haha. Very Punny of you.

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5866304 - Sunday 23 February 2014 10:08

#34 You little booger.

By vegetaftw | 28

#5865618 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

Hot.

False_Stupidity | 41

#5865872 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:03

Snot is Hot?
Or do you need air-conditioning?

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5865992 - Saturday 22 February 2014 22:46

It's a joke^

By onlychildFTW | 33

#5865619 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:03

You must be a hardcore giggler! I've never managed that.

By chutney_02 | 22

#5865620 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:04

If he's worth it, he'll understand :)

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5865625 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Not exactly a way to look attractive though...

By extrasnipes | 22

#5865624 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Is it me or do bad things only happen around attractive people?

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865822 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:06

Agree ....lucky is not my middle name....wait what ??!

ClearlyImFunny | 12

#5865967 - Saturday 22 February 2014 21:55

No its just you never hear, " farted infront of this guy who looked like he had been hit by a train. Fml"

zandalee | 19

#5865980 - Saturday 22 February 2014 22:19

My brain just imploded...

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5865626 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:07

It could have been worse, at least you didn't... nah, that was really bad. FYL!

leary96 | 15

#5865711 - Saturday 22 February 2014 16:05

There's a button for that.

By Nickb55 | 16

#5865632 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:15

That snot good I hope he nose that it wad an accident

TylerBurden | 21

#5865735 - Saturday 22 February 2014 16:56

That was too much.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5865634 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:16

He's snot gonna find that attractive.

By sydstoomuch | 19

#5865635 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:17

Lmfao!!!!

juan3611 | 14

#5865692 - Saturday 22 February 2014 15:21

Your profile picture..I'm drawing it atm for my art project o.O

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865825 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:07

-Has joined random chatroom #21067978.
-Talal: art project ! wow !! what else have been going on in your life mate ?