Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw...

By Anonymous - 22/2/2014 02:47 - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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Miscellaneous

Mixed signals

Sister of the year

True hero

By kolgate - 15/2/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentines Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By all5fingers - 8/9/2011 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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By swim5 - 31/3/2012 12:22 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By vw - 20/2/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By MexicanMe - 14/9/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By leftwardfoil - 19/8/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

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By maddy - 21/1/2009 17:03 - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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By "LovelySB" - 21/4/2019 04:00

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 19:05 - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By tkdbb11790 - 20/11/2019 14:00

Threesome

Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML

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By helpme - 25/9/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By Mike - 1/3/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By cduttl1230 - 26/6/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2014 19:21 - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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By Roida - 26/10/2009 10:15 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight, which is a pretty normal occurrence at our house. But today, they fought over an orange. Dad is now sitting in his bedroom with the aforementioned orange. FML

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By Magicgwen - 26/4/2012 20:45 - France - Paris

Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By MollyMo - 21/3/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, my parents saw my report card. Now, they refuse to buy me my the new computer I've always wanted because my grades had 'slipped'. I made honor roll for three terms, and was kept off for the fourth for a single bad grade. I failed gym. FML

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By notaguidette - 23/1/2010 19:47 - United States

Today, I weighed myself. When I was fifteen, my mom yelled at me, saying that I was going to end up being 200 pounds by the time I was forty. Well, mom, you're wrong. At this rate I'll be 200 pounds by the time I'm twenty. FML

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By 303 - 5/7/2012 20:24 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By rickjameson - 29/8/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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By ashleyevans - 4/4/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By 404 justice not found - 21/4/2016 19:15 - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

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By Freebie - 17/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

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By the girl next door - 7/5/2013 05:10 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and I accidentally dropped my new tampon on the ground. Just as I was about to reach for it, I heard a voice on the other side of the stall say, "Oh great, I needed that" and then a hand reached under my stall and grabbed it. It was my last one. FML

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By scared to leave the house - 20/8/2012 09:14 - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 16:56 - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 02:00

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

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By j1hill33 - 14/7/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

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By ijustwannaplaymymusic - 27/5/2016 04:40 - United States - Jackson

Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML

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By awkward wedding - 18/10/2018 22:00

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

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By ShutTheFuCupcake - 13/5/2014 23:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

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By badboyfriend101 - 12/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

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By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

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Top comments

By omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5865617 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

That's "snot" good.

By extrasnipes | 22

#5865624 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Is it me or do bad things only happen around attractive people?

COMMENTS

By bleeping | 5

#5865612 - Saturday 22 February 2014 12:58

That's one way to get the boys!

By omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#5865617 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

That's "snot" good.

andrewturtle | 16

#5865656 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:06

I think OP 'nose' that it's not very flattering.

Queen_bee1234 | 21

#5865659 - Saturday 22 February 2014 14:08

I think OP had a chance but blew it.

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865820 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:04

some random comment about you guys being nosy in all of this...still trying to make sense of it . Smells like failure to me. ;(

flame5768 | 14

#5866123 - Sunday 23 February 2014 3:27

loloololololol

SheTheOtaku | 21

#5866253 - Sunday 23 February 2014 8:01

Oh, haha. Very Punny of you.

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5866304 - Sunday 23 February 2014 10:08

#34 You little booger.

By vegetaftw | 28

#5865618 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:02

Hot.

False_Stupidity | 41

#5865872 - Saturday 22 February 2014 20:03

Snot is Hot?
Or do you need air-conditioning?

jellybeens_fml | 16

#5865992 - Saturday 22 February 2014 22:46

It's a joke^

By onlychildFTW | 33

#5865619 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:03

You must be a hardcore giggler! I've never managed that.

By chutney_02 | 22

#5865620 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:04

If he's worth it, he'll understand :)

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5865625 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Not exactly a way to look attractive though...

By extrasnipes | 22

#5865624 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:06

Is it me or do bad things only happen around attractive people?

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865822 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:06

Agree ....lucky is not my middle name....wait what ??!

ClearlyImFunny | 12

#5865967 - Saturday 22 February 2014 21:55

No its just you never hear, " farted infront of this guy who looked like he had been hit by a train. Fml"

zandalee | 19

#5865980 - Saturday 22 February 2014 22:19

My brain just imploded...

By strawberrywine22 | 27

#5865626 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:07

It could have been worse, at least you didn't... nah, that was really bad. FYL!

leary96 | 15

#5865711 - Saturday 22 February 2014 16:05

There's a button for that.

By Nickb55 | 16

#5865632 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:15

That snot good I hope he nose that it wad an accident

TylerBurden | 21

#5865735 - Saturday 22 February 2014 16:56

That was too much.

By brandoneyez1 | 25

#5865634 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:16

He's snot gonna find that attractive.

By sydstoomuch | 19

#5865635 - Saturday 22 February 2014 13:17

Lmfao!!!!

juan3611 | 14

#5865692 - Saturday 22 February 2014 15:21

Your profile picture..I'm drawing it atm for my art project o.O

B4rn3yST1NSON | 13

#5865825 - Saturday 22 February 2014 19:07

-Has joined random chatroom #21067978.
-Talal: art project ! wow !! what else have been going on in your life mate ?