Today, a man attempted to sue my business for giving him food poisoning. I make soap. When I called the cops on him for disturbing the peace, I was told, "Maybe next time you'll put 'not edible' on your label." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after weeks of stealing lunch from one of my employees, he made a sandwich with canned cat food, soap, and something unimaginably spicy that caused me to spew all over my office and laptop. I fired him. Now everyone is treating me like a monster. FML
Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML
Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML
Today, tired of people letting their dogs crap in my yard, I sprinkled an assortment of crushed peppers around my lawn as a deterrent. One dog went to do its business and had some sort of allergic reaction. Now its bitchy owner is threatening to sue me, and tried to have her daughter kick my ass. FML
Today, I made a fresh juice for a customer. He called the cops because the juice was too acidic for him. He sat in a corner and waited for two hours for them to arrive. Obviously, they didn't turn up. So he yelled at me and left. FML
Today, some punk tried the "flaming bag of dog poop" trick on me. I caught him in the act and smashed the unlit bag across his face. Now he's "traumatized" and wants to press charges. FML
Today, I have been victimised by a lunch thief at work for months, despite numerous complaints to management, so I exposed the thief by lacing my curry with that old classic, laxatives. Even though my coworker was caught brown-handed shitting himself, I was the one suspended for making him sick. FML
Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML
Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML
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Top comments
KingDead 18
Common sense; not so common
that1guyyy 12
You should really clean up your act.
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Comments (145)
xeka 10
Police + Problem Solving = Problem Not Solved + More Problems.
iLike2Teabag 27
I see your profile says you produce music for Machinima. Do you happen to produce music for N.W.A. as well? 2 posts about how much you hate the police?
NickaPLZ 26
Well said, 11. Wellllllll said.
Barhinder 9
After first bite: "That tastes odd." After 21 bites: "Ok that definitely tastes wired!" After becoming ill: "That ass tried to poison me!"
Ajwc101 24
Sorry I meant to thumb you up.
caligirl1028 7
Lol
ibmike22 13
That's soap ridiculous. ....
Chronophage 7
You're not (lye)ing.
yup93 7
With a world like the one we live in now, I probably would have recommended that too.
YouKnowIMeantMe_ 21
Now you know where those stupid instructrions, in some products, come from. This is one on the making. Instead of fighting stupidity, we're adapting ourselves to it. Way to go, people!
DommeAshlee 11
The stupidity in this world had ceased to astonish me.
BenderJ_fml 5
Do you sell Lifebuoy and was his name Ralphie?
perdix 31
#17, . . . who went blind from Thoap Poithoning!
BenderJ_fml 5
Somewhere, Schwartz was getting his...
sleepyglowstar 32
You should put on the label "use with common sense" maybe then people won't chow down!
Ameel_fml 19
I'd tell the police man that it's not my job to prevent natural selection.
Enslaved 38
Maybe he thought it said soup vs soap? A warning label might be wise. You'd be surprised what people are willing to eat. I used to eat play-doh. :P