Poopoo peepee, Alcohol, Drunk and Weird: Boozed up

Boozed up

By speechless - 13/07/2013 14:32 - United States - Mitchell

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 055

You deserved it 4 599

Poopoo peepee Alcohol Drunk Weird

The smell detective is on the case

Power tripping

Silver linings

Nasty

By Anonymous - 26/10/2021 14:00

Today, I had an interview to be a waitress. Afterwards, I had food in the restaurant, which is where I overheard my interviewer tell the manager he wasn’t going to bother hiring “that girl I just interviewed” because "her face is nasty and she’ll put the customers off their food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 84

By Anonymous - 10/05/2014 17:56 - United States

Today, I was looking at some cellphones with my dad, when an assistant asked if we needed help. My dad said, "Yeah, does this have parental controls? My son watches some freaky stuff, some damn freaky stuff." I don't watch anything weird, but thanks for humiliating me, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 445

You deserved it 4 541

By Reek - 22/06/2016 14:29 - United States

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 257

You deserved it 5 210

By TeddyBearKiller - 07/10/2013 01:11 - United States

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 595

You deserved it 3 274

Wrong drugs

By Anonymous - 26/07/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 149

You deserved it 84 916

By Tiredoftrying - 11/02/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, I received my fourth rejection email from McDonald's after applying for one position with them a few weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 022

You deserved it 303

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend shared with me his anxiety about death, so I shared with him one of my ridiculously irrational fears. He thought I was making fun of him and now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 5 600

By What am I doing with my life? - 22/05/2014 16:47 - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 539

You deserved it 4 844

By myheart75 - 07/08/2011 09:52 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 466

You deserved it 5 861

By probablyadopted1 - 04/05/2016 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 304

You deserved it 1 454

By Brandon - 10/08/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 427

You deserved it 3 671

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 287

You deserved it 4 496

By cockblockingbitch - 25/01/2009 05:54 - United States

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 097

You deserved it 3 961

By RoommateWanted - 10/09/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 850

You deserved it 3 350

By WheatiesMan - 15/06/2016 10:52

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 901

You deserved it 1 265

By FoodyFood - 19/03/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 001

You deserved it 14 675

By Anonymous - 15/03/2015 04:23 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 353

You deserved it 5 467

By TatooFAIL - 06/10/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 256

You deserved it 67 692

Yikes!

By Anonymous - 31/08/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 116

You deserved it 7 210

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 04:46 - United States - Placentia

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 206

You deserved it 2 856

By grossew - 26/06/2019 07:00

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 291

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 788

You deserved it 7 651

By Annakins - 06/06/2010 18:31 - United States

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 155

You deserved it 7 058

Zoning out

By puppylove - 05/05/2020 08:00

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 1 709

Coach Class

By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 1 932

By painfetish8021 - 17/09/2012 00:50 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 783

You deserved it 4 471

By lonely. - 15/08/2012 16:46 - United States - Buffalo

Today, it finally clicked in my mind how desperately lonely I am, when I shaved one of my legs just to find out what a woman's leg feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 002

You deserved it 8 880

By Anonymous - 09/03/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 684

You deserved it 2 617

By beautifulme - 31/01/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 073

You deserved it 4 863

By wat - 20/09/2013 05:52 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 622

You deserved it 3 260

By NaCl - 24/05/2014 21:20 - United States - Duluth

Today, my mother-in-law came over for dinner. She decided to salt the food I was preparing without even tasting it first, then complained at dinner that I'd used too much salt. She then lectured me on the proper seasoning of food for the rest of the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 600

You deserved it 4 042

By my name is sarah - 21/01/2016 03:48 - United States - Midland

Today, my mom called me by her favorite TV show character's name. Again. This is the eighth time this week. I'm an only child, and I'm 15. I thought she had my name down pat by now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 056

You deserved it 1 387

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 731

You deserved it 34 951

By dJ21 - 15/12/2009 09:23 - Guam

Today, I was at the airport getting ready to go to Hawaii. The guy at the counter said my flight was delayed. It turns out that the flight that was delayed was a flight going to Miami. My flight left at the regular time, and my luggage was on it, because I checked in the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 399

You deserved it 3 709

By ihateithere - 25/03/2019 20:00

Today, I had to decide between buying medicine and buying food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 588

You deserved it 210

By lemonchips - 12/10/2015 21:28 - Norway

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 357

You deserved it 2 961

I'm not sad. Or am I?

By Dr Pepper - 22/05/2019 18:05

Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 1 591

By Gracie - 24/05/2019 12:02

Today, I was having a cigarette in a smoking area when a mother with a pram strode towards me and exaggerated a cough to make some sort of point. Reluctantly, I put it out and walked off. I then turned around to see her lighting up a cigarette, and blowing smoke all over her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 268

Another fine mess

By Stephanie - 05/03/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 596

You deserved it 5 490

By Anonymous - 15/05/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 574

You deserved it 26 702

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Top comments

softrally 15

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

_GoodGuy 11

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

softrally 15

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

What drawer was he intending to pee into? O.o

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:07

Obviously the pants drawer so he can piss his pants.

Horsempeg 25

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

graceinsheepwear 33

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:19

24, he did piss his drawers.

_GoodGuy 11

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

That would "piss" me off.

Athleticism 11

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

That pun was used a couple thousand times about 2 FMLs ago.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:39

I don't know why people don't say peed instead of pissed. No one ever says "that must of really peed you off", so it's original.

Athleticism 11

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:50

I think you just started something sir.

bacincheeseburge 9

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:05

#41 Because if you say "that really peed me off", people will think you are saying "P'ed me off". Like a shortened form as in "Ef you", or "shut the Ef up".

Athleticism 11

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Saturday 13 July 2013 21:30

Would you rather us say, "You urinate the crap out of me."?

marcranger 28

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:40

Considering that sounds like some kind of unorthodox enema, 65, I'd certainly rather not phrase it that way!

Epickiller 19

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Sunday 14 July 2013 0:41

Sounds like urine a pissy situation.

RivetingTaleChap 6

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

I reckon he's looking for Narnia.

rich443 22

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:10

that would be if he pissed in wardrobe

gracehi 31

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:29

So he can pee on it? Unwise. Azlan's not a fellow you want to piss off.

SaveCowEatCarrot 14

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:45

Well, you know what they say OP. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

ImAFaker 29

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:25

Well, she can beat him. Just get out the baseball bat...

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 20:42

And if the baseball bat doesn't work she could always use her hand.. Haha.

Olympiakos10 15

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:14

Hahahaha 56 that was so funny! Now leave...and never post another comment on FML...

Pwn17 25

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Saturday 13 July 2013 22:36

5 Are you seriously suggesting that she pee in the drawer with him?

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 23:14

Relax pal, it was a comment gone wrong. You can shove your self entitlement right up your ass, next to where your head must be.

iAlissa 34

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Sunday 14 July 2013 13:57

75, that was a dick comment. Toot toot, all aboard the douche train ._.

JasonUMN 15

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well, urine for a treat when he wakes up tomorrow.

threer 30

Sunday 14 July 2013 14:07

Overused much?

phoughto 5

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Would you have preferred the bed stand?

arsenicalhumor 30

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:20

How about the candle holder?

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Is there ever a wrong drawer when no drawer is right?

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Sunday 14 July 2013 6:22

miiiinnddd fuuuucck lol

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Sunday 14 July 2013 10:54

That's what I was going for

threer 30

Sunday 14 July 2013 14:08

Um, yes. That's not a mindfuck at all. If none of them are right, all of them are wrong. There is a wrong drawer.

Jac_d_ipper 10

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

I reckon his top drawer is MT.

Treveyon56 14

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

Well........ sucks for you. Next time hide all the beer in the house and his wallet so he can't buy more.

lilhellian 26

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:14

Right, create trust issues and break apart a family. The beer isn't the issue, the issue is moderation.

punkyboy 11

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:23

Wow that is way to far especially the part about taking away all the money from his wallet. For all we know this could be a one night thing. If not she should have a talk with him about drinking In moderation

joleigh 6

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Saturday 13 July 2013 19:34

I think this would create more problems than fix anything. If someone took my money trying to "help" I'd feel the need to bitch slap them.

Omniprism 14

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Saturday 13 July 2013 18:46

That's hilarious. I've had to redirect someone from from closet to the bathroom before and I've heard of some crazy stories about people peeing in places.