By Thescarlettfox - 1/3/2020 21:00

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

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Season finale

TMI

Race against the clock

By Anonymous

Today, my brother woke me up by trying to light my bed on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, I went out to a bar with some of my friends. They're all in committed relationships, but every single one of them got hit on. I'm single, and yet again, nobody even said hi to me. FML

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By russianfail - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

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By carey33 - 4/6/2020 14:15

Quite the catch

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amsterdam

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

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By belieber101 - United Kingdom

Today, I have been left home alone, the electricity has cut out, and I am petrified of the dark. I am stuck downstairs making karate noises every few minutes to scare off creepers. FML

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By zAstonish - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By mizzleshizzle - Canada

Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML

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By NotHauteCouture - United States

Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was "Ugliest Sweater". The winner was a sweater that I have an exact replica of in my closet. It's my favorite 'special occasion', 'family portrait' and 'holiday' sweater. FML

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By icarlypoop - 11/4/2020 23:00

Good impressions last

Today, I threw up on my crush's lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I realized that the only times I get to hang out with my friends outside of school are when one of them accidentally mentions plans in front of me and they are obligated by social protocol to invite me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By maybe? - Germany - Hamburg

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By brokebackanus - United States - Detroit

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

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By SomePeoplesKids - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

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By taintedlover - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

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By notmyfault - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

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By DemiRawrs - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

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By Sparks - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

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By Anstice - United States

Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, my boyfriend got pissed off and is now sulking, all because I didn't make a huge deal out of our 1-month "anniversary". FML

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By Carrie - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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By kaitlintaylor - United States

Today, my family went to a football game. It was a little cold, but then it started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain and I'd left my umbrella in the car. My dad wouldn't let us leave our seats for the whole game. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By castironstomach

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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By whyme - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend his shirt and pants did not match and that he should change for dinner. All my belongings are now on the sidewalk. FML

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By unlucky - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

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By Ash - 13/12/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Sex ban

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I failed to notice I’ve been on a sex ban as punishment for upsetting her mother 3 weeks ago. Three weeks isn’t even our longest no sex period; we’ve gone months without sex before for no good reason, so is it any wonder I didn’t notice after only 3 weeks? FML

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By OompaLoompa - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

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By Rotarius - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

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By GladYoureConcerned - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

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By omgstuupidd - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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Top comments

By Cocoapelli | 23

#7886666 - Sunday 1 March 2020 21:27

I would say ydi, but who am I to kink shame.

By jkjorn | 15

#7886792 - Monday 2 March 2020 15:22

And now I have the "George of the Jungle" theme stuck in my head.

COMMENTS

By Cocoapelli | 23

#7886666 - Sunday 1 March 2020 21:27

I would say ydi, but who am I to kink shame.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7886672 - Sunday 1 March 2020 22:03

I hope it wasn't an ugly tree.

By jkjorn | 15

#7886792 - Monday 2 March 2020 15:22

And now I have the "George of the Jungle" theme stuck in my head.