Love: Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriend's emergency contact....

By tannerpaul - 25/03/2011 01:30

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriend's emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 279

You deserved it 4 517

Love

Walk the line

You tried

Menace II Society

By Anonymous - 20/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 439

You deserved it 4 594

By fucked - 06/02/2015 08:06 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 000

You deserved it 40 424

By Hopper - 03/12/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 557

You deserved it 341

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 391

You deserved it 3 935

High school drama

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 20:00

Today, I went to the mall with friends. I'd ditched other friends in order to go out with these friends. At the table next to me was an ex, and on the top floor were the other friends I'd ditched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 1 525

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 252

Business is business

By Anonymous - 08/04/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 637

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 27/05/2015 14:21 - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 114

You deserved it 2 786

Help!

By technicallywroteabook - 21/08/2015 05:15 - United States - Grapevine

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 015

You deserved it 17 267

Is this guy Hugh Hefner?

By Gold diggerzzzzzzz - 15/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad is getting married for the 4th time. First it was my mom, then as they got older, he married a woman 10 years his junior, then his third wife was my age and 28 years his junior. Now at the grand old age of 64, he is marrying a 22 year old, 42 years his junior, almost 2 decades younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 87

By maggieyokoi - 15/06/2015 19:11

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 213

You deserved it 2 243

Collection

By Anonymous - 01/08/2019 04:00

Today, our building owner, who lives just below, had a great idea to make her life easier. When something gets on her nerves, she puts it in the stairwell. Including two dozen shoes, her toddler, her screaming baby, her barking dog and her cat who loves to shit in my flower pots and piss in my basement room, which she is well aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 106

By now have a cat - 24/04/2014 20:52 - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 743

You deserved it 3 948

By skinnyguy23 - 10/09/2014 22:40 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 452

You deserved it 3 613

Great parenting, mom

By kat99 - 15/03/2021 21:30

Today, as always, I have autism and it is physically painful for me to make eye contact. I read that you can solve this by looking at the person’s ears or nose. Except my mom can somehow tell when I’m doing this, and she yells and screams at me for not looking her in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 84

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 11:37 - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 692

You deserved it 13 753

By Nasty - 25/04/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 867

You deserved it 1 341

Blasted

By Fauna - 09/05/2019 04:00

Today, I started to make a protein shake to have a healthy breakfast. It exploded. Turns out, my mom lost the rubber gasket and put the blender back, so it looked ready to use. By the time I cleaned it all up, it was time for me to leave for work. I'm now eating chips from the vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 689

You deserved it 156

By Tiff676 - 16/08/2009 04:31 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 884

You deserved it 2 667

By CPD - 15/10/2011 04:12 - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 227

You deserved it 6 136

By ihateloopholes - 21/06/2015 20:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 945

You deserved it 8 569

By Anonymous - 14/04/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 363

You deserved it 4 874

Zoning out

By puppylove - 05/05/2020 08:00

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 1 715

By sexysue - 07/11/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 938

You deserved it 5 726

By Anonymous - 14/06/2014 21:32 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 685

You deserved it 25 315

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

By t…… - 23/10/2021 11:00

Today, my coworkers were trying to teach me how to play a card game. There was one rule that I just couldn’t wrap my head around, even with three of my coworkers explaining it in different ways. It just didn’t make any sense whatsoever to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618

You deserved it 211

By DD - 08/02/2010 14:18 - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 884

You deserved it 4 080

By scorpionsurviver - 08/07/2012 09:47 - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 351

You deserved it 6 553

Drive by shooting

By justicewargrave - 16/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was walking home from the gym. An old man in his car rolled down the window and drove slowly next to me. He pulled out a camera, took a picture of me and said, "It's gonna be a fun night!" and then drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 71

By Anonymous - 28/07/2012 18:29 - Canada - York

Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 157

You deserved it 8 441

By Brook - 26/02/2013 08:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, when my doctor told me I had symptoms of an STD, I had to repeatedly try to convince her I'm a 28-year-old virgin. Even as I left she still didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 383

You deserved it 3 807

Nailed it

By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 027

You deserved it 12 856

By feelinblue - 23/06/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 131

You deserved it 4 492

Receptacle

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 02:01

Today, I felt sick at work and tried to run to the bathroom with my hand covering my mouth, but saw a garbage can and removed my hand to let it loose. I forgot to remove my mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 184

By Anonymous - 09/08/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 473

You deserved it 3 146

By dogmom - 16/07/2012 20:51 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend picked me up and spun me around like they do in the movies, but not before grimacing, taking a deep breath, and muttering "one, two, three... and... uuuppp!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 108

You deserved it 5 732

By Anonymous - 09/11/2014 08:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 886

You deserved it 3 849

By Anonymous - 25/02/2011 06:40 - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 084

You deserved it 4 624

By oh well - 10/03/2015 13:27 - United States

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 728

You deserved it 8 377

By Yocherrypicker - 29/07/2016 01:04

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 153

You deserved it 5 934

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Top comments

unfortunate_13 5

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:12

and you listen to her?? just leave and never come back.

enonymous 8

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:13

Seizure? or the most mind blowing orgasm she has ever had and she wants you to take notes? I'll let you decide

zinoxity 23

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:07

Haha, must be some really hot sex.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:23

iv heard of some extreme ways to avoid anal, but this takes the cake.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:51

man what kind of crap is that. i say ydi for being a pussy and staying enough to see the guy instead of just walking out

klonopin_ftw 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 10:08

must not have taken enough of me then. if she did, she woulda got away with it.

xx000o 27

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Friday 25 March 2011 10:57

I would tell the guy that brought her in that she has an STD, and ask if she had him use a condom, then see how long he stays around.

insanesna1l 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 12:43

he may not have known she already had a boyfriend. threaten him with a used syringe just to be sure

GigglePony 13

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:01

#33 knows how to handle life.

chell1894 13

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:45

7, haha epic

SunshineBoy21 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:27

You are all missing the point. Everyone is saying dump her, leave her, punch her, punch him - but, if he does that he'll get caught on the hospital's cameras. If he acts concerned and stays by her side, he looks like a hero and an amazing man. That way when they all leave the hospital and he kills them both and chops them into little pieces - he won't be a suspect because the hospital staff will recall how loving and caring he was. lol

FATTY_MCDOOGLE 29

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:39

#100, Pure genius.

MissBunny25 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:54

punch her in the ovaries

persianjr 15

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Friday 25 March 2011 17:26

would that hurt?

MissBunny25 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 17:42

yes, yes it would.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Friday 25 March 2011 17:57

the ovaries are the female testicles. so of course getting punched there would hurt

maa_rico 4

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Friday 25 March 2011 18:15

but punching her in the ovaries would mean he has to fist her pussy first, reach all the way to her ovaries and voila! punch her in the ovaries, it is genius because first he gives her pleasure the he hurts her, you little evil genius you.

zinoxity 23

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Friday 25 March 2011 20:25

...Why are you replying to my comment? At least stay on topic.

afroninjashuffle 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 20:56

karmas a bitch isn't it?

Hiilikew 5

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Friday 25 March 2011 21:51

TWILIGHT SEX!!! haha

nateb1tch 1

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Saturday 26 March 2011 0:35

I woulda said to F off and take your stuff and never see her again

tjv3 10

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Saturday 26 March 2011 0:38

I think that it should read "my newly ex gf" I would dump her

ScarecrowB1 0

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Saturday 26 March 2011 3:53

171. Spot on.

Hard_Luck_Aussie 4

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:09

kinda funny but also not so funny I had a girl few years back that had seizures never had one in bed with me but had them at my house and while out with me, also had one while in bed with a mate of mine after we broke up

jc302406 3

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Friday 25 March 2011 11:30

obviously you don't possess the skills to make a girl seize in bed lol

XxDevilxXGt 26

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Friday 25 March 2011 13:56

Or the skills to write a non-run on sentence. Heh.

jdawgg92 1

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:04

Or the skills of punctuation and capitalization.

acr0293 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:09

and your all a bunch of stuck up cock suckers :)

ImKindaABigDeal 6

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:20

Wait they are stuck up and they suck cock or they suck cocks that are stuck up?

chell1894 13

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:47

^this whole this is just hilarious.. it just gets better and better

skorpien 1

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Friday 25 March 2011 14:48

83 - And* you're*

pbutt209 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:11

^ Nazi

iliketurdles 7

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:18

^^ and you're a butt.

HugoBosss_fml 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:51

You're cool.

skorpien 1

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:51

96 - A butt? Really? If you're going to try to offend me, at least put some effort into it.

skorpien 1

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:53

Unless that was meant for 95 (as their comment has already been moderated), then never mind.

awardZu 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 18:04

Grammar Nazis, ATTACK!!!!

L0veRebeccaBlack 0

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Saturday 26 March 2011 0:53

Grammar Hitler-DEAD!!!

ChaCerCam 14

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Wednesday 23 July 2014 12:06

unless you're also good friends, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU CAN!

unfortunate_13 5

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:12

and you listen to her?? just leave and never come back.

Kolden 11

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Friday 25 March 2011 11:28

hell yea!

kingtz 6

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Friday 25 March 2011 11:35

Dump the bitch! Punch her in the head before you leave so she gets another seizure.

justalilrandom2 4

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Friday 25 March 2011 12:00

Get out your iPod or iPhone, get the strobe light app, set it off and walk away. Make sure you take it with you by the way, just thought I'd clarify if you weren't sure.

stu1983 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 12:13

hahaha yes

lesdodis 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 12:32

lmfao that's what I was thinken

lesdodis 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 12:33

#43

LetItRise 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 13:18

I wouldve punch her in the throat, and drop kick that other dude, shit ain't right

MissBunny25 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 15:22

kick her in the babymaker!

Colin466 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 20:33

Make sure she never can never have sex again! Put some superglue on her dildo(Get her one if she doesn't have one) then stick it up her cooter! Cork that bitch!

Tuesdays76 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 22:40

Dude you freak me out. ^^ Ever considered therapy?

justalilrandom2 4

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Friday 25 March 2011 23:45

Pepper spray her vag and walk out of there...

killerpenguin4 9

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Saturday 26 March 2011 7:53

no you're supposed to shove tube sealant up her ass and then feed her laxatives

Lauinater 4

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Saturday 26 March 2011 17:45

indeed

MellyLuck1484 7

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Monday 11 June 2012 13:47

no obligation to stay whatsoever. Tell her that she's no longer your gf, and tell the other guy that this happens every time she has sex.

enonymous 8

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:13

Seizure? or the most mind blowing orgasm she has ever had and she wants you to take notes? I'll let you decide

ruben_A_ruiz 0

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Saturday 26 March 2011 4:07

Rofl nice one man

Flutist 3

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:18

I think you most likely stayed. I hope you broke up with her.

Crowleyyy 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:30

kill her. seems logical.

Leftieswillrule 3

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Friday 25 March 2011 11:19

^ yes

aardvarkish 15

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Friday 25 March 2011 16:21

Death by stoning, of course.

xFuZioN 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 16:40

punch her in the cooter, punch the guy in his tiny wiener and run!

dunner12 0

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Friday 25 March 2011 9:31

lucky guy, I'd just hang on and ride it out. I know it's called the rodeo when your hitting a girl from behind, reach up, cup her breasts, say "wow these feel just like your sisters" and see how long you can hold on. I don't know what this is call... the electric bed??