Sextoys

Nice try, Sharon

By Anonymous - 23/06/2013 10:38 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

agreeclassic 64 679

vote type 1 25 616

Too late

By hinting - 17/06/2013 16:43 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

agreeclassic 76 612

vote type 1 4 592

Assumptions

By oops - 08/05/2013 14:44 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

agreeclassic 76 613

vote type 1 5 698

No way

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 18:41 - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

agreeclassic 30 880

vote type 1 58 908

DELETE! DELETE!

By Hunter101 - 12/05/2012 04:24 - United States - Humble

Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I'd left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML

agreeclassic 13 563

vote type 1 64 833

By 504-A1 - 11/05/2012 22:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

agreeclassic 35 558

vote type 1 10 435

What what?

By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

agreeclassic 34 842

vote type 1 3 524

It's the thought that counts, right?

By kdmoney - 23/09/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I'm slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution? Buying me a vibrator. FML

agreeclassic 32 328

vote type 1 7 566

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:11 - Belgium

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML

agreeclassic 30 585

vote type 1 10 956

Freaky

By Anonymous - 27/08/2010 09:15 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex yet, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite." Now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

agreeclassic 46 976

vote type 1 5 025

By BrokenVow - 30/07/2009 12:02 - Canada

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart-to-heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML

agreeclassic 14 992

vote type 1 53 821

Suggestions for you

By Anonymous - 24/04/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

agreeclassic 66 916

vote type 1 9 077

Toys R Us

By J…… - 07/02/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys… a big black rubber cock. FML

agreeclassic 33 265

vote type 1 6 998

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 17:54 - France

Today, my sister and I heard a buzzing noise in our parents' bedroom, so we went to investigate. It was coming from a drawer, so we opened it. Inside, a battery-operated dildo was flapping around. FML

agreeclassic 38 573

vote type 1 5 655

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Keywords

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Top

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

agreeclassic 36 422

vote type 1 4 387

Today, I went to a big job interview. Eventually, the guy subtly enquired about my political beliefs. He seemed pretty laid-back and cool, so I told him, at which point he just chuckled and told me to leave. When I threatened to report him, he just said, "Who're they gonna believe, you or me?" FML

agreeclassic 46 779

vote type 1 8 249

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

agreeclassic 23 315

vote type 1 3 313

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

agreeclassic 38 389

vote type 1 25 715

Today, I realised that when my husband is telling our boys off, he can’t think of what to say so he just steals lines from TV shows. This afternoon he told them, “Have you lost your minds? Because I’ll help you find them!” and, “I’ll be on your tails like a hot wind!” Both phrases are from The Office. FML

agreeclassic 317

vote type 1 161

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

agreeclassic 32 584

vote type 1 4 609