Intimacy: Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's...

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 17:54 - France

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 429

You deserved it 5 563

Intimacy

Woohoo, party time!

Dream baby dream

Classic narcissist

Curious...

By 16Charlie5 - 19/05/2018 15:00

Today, I woke to the smell of poop in my apartment. I went to investigate and found out a cat had pooped in my living room. I don’t have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 640

You deserved it 261

The classic switcheroo

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 16:01

Today, I accidentally texted my very strict and judgemental mom instead of my boyfriend. The text said, "I wanna lick ice cream off your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 1 285

By Kiimmy - 09/10/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 718

You deserved it 27 026

By ForeverAlone - 09/05/2015 15:53 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 859

You deserved it 3 060

By the unfortunate man - 19/07/2013 04:29 - United States - Salisbury

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 192

You deserved it 3 137

By Anonymous - 04/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 021

You deserved it 491

By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 979

You deserved it 36 831

By anon17 - 18/03/2010 13:49 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 546

You deserved it 3 251

By Anonymous - 25/09/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 069

You deserved it 2 802

Friendzone 2.0

By NeverNumberOne - 23/04/2018 01:30

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 767

You deserved it 701

By openmouthinsertfoot - 07/12/2010 17:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 584

You deserved it 41 677

By ForeSight - 14/08/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 897

You deserved it 542

By dating a fucking psycho - 14/02/2013 20:06 - United States - Hickory

Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 830

You deserved it 6 017

By Moron - 23/08/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 846

You deserved it 6 527

By fuckel4 - 01/07/2016 20:12 - United States - El Dorado

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 470

You deserved it 5 254

By testesential - 13/12/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I took my last final on a Scantron sheet with 200 multiple choice questions, with seconds to spare. When I finished the last question, I saw I had another bubble to fill in and I didn't know where I screwed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 647

You deserved it 6 121

Privacy violation

By privacy! - 02/05/2021 08:02

Today, I asked my mom to help my daughter with Zoom school while I handled an emergency. When I got back, I found out my mom went through my laptop containing all my documents, my emails and even the journal my therapist suggested I keep. She says she was looking for a Zoom link. Yeah right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 189

You deserved it 114

By Anonymous - 06/01/2012 10:27 - United States

Today, I broke my arm, and posted a picture of my X-ray on Facebook to show everyone how bad the break is. Nobody even asked me if I was OK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 836

You deserved it 39 414

Got a screw loose

By stupid^2 - 04/10/2021 20:00

Today, I did something you never ever should do. I removed the screw in the shower drain. What I didn't know was that it's impossible to know if the shower will leak afterwards. I just wanted to properly clean the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 248

By anonymous_0505 - 06/11/2010 17:24 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 771

You deserved it 9 452

By videochat - 14/02/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 940

You deserved it 53 762

By Anonymous - 20/08/2011 21:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 403

You deserved it 5 553

Nostalgia goggles

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 04:59

Today, I found out my ex broke up with me after 3 years because he's still in love with his ex, who he hasn't spoken to in 6 years. And she dumped him for the same reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 124

By xXRowynXx - 05/09/2010 19:20 - Canada

Today, I bleached my hair for the new school year. Instead of blonde, it came out orange, making my hair resemble a bloated pumpkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 606

You deserved it 32 426

By deadbunnies - 31/07/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I texted the man I'm dating, told him I was having a terrible day and asked him to say something to cheer me up. His response? "Did you know that rabbits shriek when they're killed?" I'm still having a terrible day, and now I can't stop thinking about dying, shrieking bunnies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 878

You deserved it 9 152

By nutcracker - 23/02/2010 09:28 - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 172

You deserved it 68 225

By Anonymous - 02/09/2016 14:50 - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 587

You deserved it 1 945

By christacat - 28/09/2016 10:24 - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 987

You deserved it 921

By PictureLess - 10/01/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I got home from a family trip to Disney World. I had taken nearly 300 photos of our trip on my new digital camera. As our car pulled into the driveway, I was using my camera to try to delete one unflattering shot of me. I accidentally deleted every picture off the memory card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 795

You deserved it 38 114

By Username - 25/01/2010 11:06 - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 084

You deserved it 10 266

By t - 17/05/2011 03:26

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 698

You deserved it 6 135

By suckishbf - 28/04/2011 02:41 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend's present to me was that he actually flushed the toilet AND put the seat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 812

You deserved it 6 735

By CashChamp20 - 17/08/2011 06:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 051

You deserved it 6 887

By gassy - 29/12/2012 09:32 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 409

You deserved it 4 607

By proud parent - 21/05/2016 16:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 432

You deserved it 1 523

By Poopsie - 13/08/2018 06:00

Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 992

You deserved it 387

By Addicted2FML303 - 06/12/2010 22:50 - United States

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I've been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 695

You deserved it 5 233

By Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood - 09/12/2013 05:52 - United States - West Bend

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 680

You deserved it 7 880

By cuppincake - 15/01/2010 07:51 - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 153

You deserved it 3 469

By monkeycannon7 - 24/04/2012 16:36 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 324

You deserved it 29 595

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Top comments

Kandyland 11

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Monday 11 May 2009 20:25

You think that's bad? When my sister and I were younger, we went in my dad and stepmom's room to find her a t-shirt to sleep in. We opened up a drawer and found pictures of them having sex, with each other and some people we didn't recognize. We found out our parents were swingers. F our lives. lol

omgbeckyyy 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 7:38

So your parents aren't supposed to be sexual? I mean... you weren't created by sex or anything, right?

AliSama 17

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Sunday 22 February 2009 20:22

turn it off, then leave it where it was. This is a privi matter that is not about you. How would you like it if your parent came on here and spoke about your sex toys? it is rude.

kfchiken 0

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 6:52

depending on the OPs age what parent wouldn't talk to there daughter about sex toys they found in her room

T9FTW 20

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Thursday 22 November 2012 6:59

LOL! "Privi matter"

websraaa 6

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Thursday 16 October 2014 11:08

@Alisama. Shut the hell up and let us enjoy reading funny FMLs.

omgbeckyyy 0

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Friday 6 March 2009 7:38

So your parents aren't supposed to be sexual? I mean... you weren't created by sex or anything, right?

dk_fml 0

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 18:08

Bet that's the last time you'll snoop in their stuff again

puddingface94 3

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Thursday 22 November 2012 16:30

I wouldn't say she was snooping, if you heard a noise, the natural thing is to go check it out and make sure it's not like something's wrong....,

FarFromHome_fml 17

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Friday 29 January 2016 15:59

If the noise is coming from a drawer and is the sound of vibrating I think it can safely be assumed that nothing is wrong.

mysteryshadow 0

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Monday 23 March 2009 6:06

hope your parents are young

The_One 0

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Friday 17 April 2009 3:54

lol #3

NekuSakuraba 0

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Friday 24 April 2009 22:49

If you touched it..I hope you washed your hands.

udeserveditbro69 0

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Sunday 20 May 2012 23:19

U look like a fag

Kandyland 11

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Monday 11 May 2009 20:25

kitkat98_fml 0

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Friday 24 June 2011 0:28

damn, that sucks!

corinna12124 0

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Sunday 27 May 2012 20:37

Wow I'd never be able to look at my parents the same way again it would scar me for life

VeganVampyre 26

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Tuesday 23 July 2013 5:46

You think finding pictures is bad? I got to see the real thing when I apparently got home earlier than expected and found my mom and stepdad doing it on the couch. *shudder*

sadlife67 0

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Monday 18 May 2009 17:22

what sex shop did they get it at lol

cybRuser 16

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Thursday 28 January 2016 15:15

this is so sick

guitar43 0

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Tuesday 19 May 2009 3:55

...... id feel so awkward looking at my parents again.

ddrluna 2

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Thursday 21 May 2009 5:40

Whoa, shit, you mean YOUR parents didn't take the vote of celibacy when you guys were old enough to realize what sex was? Sucks to be you, everyone else's parents did that. ...Oh wait, no they didn't. Grow up.