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The all-time greatest FMLs

Puke is good for you

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 07:57 - Germany - Zittau

Today, there's a campaign in my country advertising natural dog food. Apparently, nobody amongst the creators speaks English. How do I know? The hashtag they came up with is #SimplyBarf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 97

Corporate task management

By Anonymous - 31/05/2023 13:30 - India - Puducherry

Today, I got a complaint that I'm not performing as usual at my work. That's when I realised it was because I now prioritise my sleep and life over staying awake late at night to learn from the offshore team. I used to work during the ungodly hours of 2am to 7am daily and was then a zombie for the whole day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 139

Willpower

By Anonymous - 11/09/2019 14:00

Today, I started my new health kick with granola for breakfast, salad for lunch, and hitting the gym after work. I was so proud of myself, until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 1 803

Overreaction

By Anonymous - 30/05/2022 22:00 - United States

Today, I delivered some bad news to my girlfriend, and she broke up with me. By the way, Coca-Cola is discontinuing Honest Tea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 105

Climate change

By Anonymous - 06/09/2021 08:00

Today, my country isn’t exactly cold, but with our house being what it is, the only difference in summer is that you can actually turn off the heating, and if you’re lucky, you still won’t need to wear long underwear inside. Much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 138

Be careful what you post on the Internet…

By Anonymous - 26/06/2019 06:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 3 837

Are you there?

By Anonymous - 01/06/2021 12:59 - United States - Steele

Today, I had an awful dream where my uncle died from a massive heart attack. When I woke up, my brain interpreted the dream as being a real thing that really happened. It wasn't until my uncle called and asked me why everyone thought he was dead that I finally came to my senses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 407

Women be shopping, amirite?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2023 06:00

Today, after I used to laugh at videos of dudes being evicted because their missus spent the mortgage on shoes and handbags, I got home and my missus had some brand new shoes and handbags. You can guess the rest. I swear I’m divorcing her for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 293

Brace yourself

By Anonymous - 04/04/2023 21:00 - United States - Tempe

Today, my orthodontist thought it would be a good idea to put braces on the teeth in the very back. One bracket popped off twice, after which he shoved a metal band in my mouth onto one of my teeth, cutting my gums, and causing gushing blood. Now, I can’t eat anything unless it’s baby food and I have a lisp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 129

I blame the parents

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 20:01 - Panama - Cuba

Today, after being kicked out of our school for leaving the country, neither of my guardians want to take charge of our education. So me, being sixteen, I have to do hundreds of assignments for my sister and me, who was already supposed to have graduated. Yay "Home schooling." FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 208

Kitchen daydream

By Rordon Gamsey - 02/08/2022 16:00

Today, I was "that idiot" who spent ages making a soup stock from meat and vegetables, but then while separating it forgot to put a pan under the strainer, so I poured the finished stock down the sink, leaving me with only the boiled meat and veg sat sadly in the strainer. Takeaway chinese for tea, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 434

One law for me…

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 11:02 - Australia

Today, I got disciplined for sleeping on night shifts, by my boss, who also sleeps on night shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 402

8 out of 10 orthopedists

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, I had a talk with my orthopedist about getting back to fitness training. However, according to her, all my favorite exercises, although taught to me by professionals, are "things one should never do" and "very very bad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 143

Report card

By Jussy - 26/01/2021 17:01

Today, while assisting my kindergartener with distance learning, it became apparent what an incompetent bumbling mess his teacher is. In-person learning resumes next week, and I'm terrified to leave my child in a classroom with this man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 161

Panic stations!

By Anonymous - 12/12/2021 05:00

Today, my fiancé picked today of all days to have one of his depressive episodes where he can’t even get out of bed. We’re supposed to be getting married in four hours, and his episodes can last over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 1 136

Pour some more funny!

By Bruce - 12/03/2023 00:00

Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 163

Really bugs me

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 06:00

Today, most people don’t realize how relaxing it is to poop on an indoor toilet. As in, being able to do your business in peace without having to keep mosquitoes from landing on your private parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 123

No pain, no gain

By Anonymous - 29/03/2023 04:00 - Canada

Today, I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled. The numbing medication didn't work, so I felt everything. I was in so much pain that I accidentally bit down on the dentist's finger, causing him to yell in agony. Now, I have to find a new dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 166

Don't print this FML

By NeverCheckOnFamily - 03/06/2022 22:00 - United States

Today, I checked on an uncle following his surgery. I got a two-hour monologue of how the internet doesn't really save paper, because he has to print the bills and receipts, plus pay for ink and staples, and that utility companies are really just shifting costs to the consumer by going "paperless". FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 176

Weird friendship, but OK

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 14:01

Today, I'm completely in love with my best friend, who I've known for over 10 years. I can't get him out of my head. Too bad he's married, with 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 471

Lonely, so lonely…

By Anonymous - 23/04/2022 14:00

Today, as I watched my male and female dogs frolic, play, and lick each other, it occurred to me there's more love and romance between them than I have ever had in my whole damned life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 178

I hate my job

By Moo - 25/05/2022 14:00

Today, awaiting the end of my shift at a call centre, I received my last call. The caller had a riddle: “What’s a cow’s favorite place to go? The moooo-vies!” He then laughed like a hyena and hung up. I wish I could pay my rent with riddles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 147

Another great day to be alive

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 21:59 - Germany

Today, I didn’t get much done because I woke up late and therefore didn’t have much time. No wait, that was yesterday. Today I didn’t get much done because I woke up EARLY and was miserably tired and good for nothing all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 427

Not my usual material

By Confused guy - 24/11/2022 14:00

Today, my art class had a project where you made a "statue" out of a metal hanger and pantyhose, and paint it. Being the only guy in the entire class and painfully single, I was not aware that pantyhose is so stretchy, so I got annoyed when it ripped. The teacher felt the need to make a huge scene about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 136

Poor boy

By Cone of STFU - 09/01/2023 21:00

Today, my recently-neutered dog has to wear the cone of shame for several weeks. The sounds he makes when he's being rambunctious are now augmented even further by the sound of the cone scraping and bashing against everything. I tell you, it's so much more annoying than it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 217

Wedding bells

By Anonymous - 05/08/2022 14:00

Today, and up until now, I was dating a sweet farmer's daughter, then I put a ring on it, and now I’m engaged to the bride of Chucky. She's pulled wedding magazines out of places I’ve never seen, and has called every female relative she has, twice. Send help, and beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 918

He's still right, though

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 05:03

Today, my dad snapped at me for assuming that Eminem was the one to come up with the phrase, “Will the real ___ please stand up?” since that was the only time I’ve heard it. Apparently, I “always assume things are modern”. So I asked him where in fact the phrase came from and guess what? He didn’t know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 221

Burning down the house

By Anonymous - 25/07/2021 18:01 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I got some ingredients ready for a stew in the slow cooker, planning to turn it on when I left for work. Well, my dumb, un-caffeinated ass turned it on, but put it on high instead of low. For 13 hours. It was completely charcoal by the time I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 325

Health is overrated

By Anonymous - 16/03/2022 12:00

Today, trying to get into shape because I run out of breath after walking more than 30 minutes, I started to hit the gym. Too bad my legs didn’t want to cooperate and decided that it would cause limping-worthy pain for every step I took on the treadmill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 200

The '80s called

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 13:59

Today, I received three phone calls and three long and rather monotonous messages on my answering machine. Literally monotonous. As in, repeating the same tone over and over. The caller was a fax machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 102

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The Top

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 415

You deserved it 2 989

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 050

You deserved it 7 103

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 627

You deserved it 59 186

Today, some kid was scratching the side of my car with a brick so I yelled at him, then I yelled at his parents. They didn’t speak English and when cops arrived they told me I should have been more understanding and I was lucky not to be charged with verbally assaulting them. WHAT THE FUCK? FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 116

Today, I discovered that whenever my house is affected by a blackout, the cooler for my Xbox will turn on by itself when it's fixed. My Xbox cooler flashes repeatedly, alternating between several bright colors, when it turns on. If I'm asleep when it happens, which is often the case, it wakes me up. Every. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 435

Today, I was trying out for a local basketball team, so I put extra effort into showing off my baller skills. Unfortunately, I managed to hit myself in the face with the ball, knocking out one of my own teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 543