Today, I used the “Find My…” app to locate a missing AirPods. Good news: I found them. Bad news: they are inside my dog’s belly. Next stop: Emergency vet. FML
Today, as I watched my male and female dogs frolic, play, and lick each other, it occurred to me there's more love and romance between them than I have ever had in my whole damned life. FML
Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML
Today, after being friends with a guy, age 35, for a year, he asked if we could progress the relationship romantically. I'm keen but it's been a month, and the closest touching we have done is a hug. Slowest relationship ever. FML
Today, I was sitting in math class taking notes on my laptop when my mom texted me, asking why I wasn’t in class. She has my location for security purposes. I’m 19 and in college. FML
Today, having such terrible social anxiety and being terrified of confrontation, I confided in my apartment's maintenance man about my neighbor not picking up her dog’s poop. He assured me he’d handle it. He reported her to the leasing office, and now she and her kids are getting evicted. I feel bad. FML
Today, I ordered and paid for a compost bin to be emptied in addition to the garbage. Turns out most of what I wanted to put in there – although perfectly compostable – is not allowed in the bin. FML
Today, I was talking to a guy I've recently started developing feelings for. We've been talking for a while, but he revealed that he wasn't being serious with anything we've been talking about, and didn't have any feelings for me. FML
Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML
Today, my wife lost interest in sex a long time ago. I’ve tried to reignite her interest lately, which culminated in an argument where she gave me permission to go out and shag other women. We might as well divorce at this point if she’s going to say things like that. FML
Today, my mother offered to give my overweight girlfriend the workout DVDs that she no longer needs. FML
Today, an ambulance took away the woman from next door. I thought that the flat was empty since I’d never seen her, but turns out she’d been dead for 2 years. She died in bed, meaning every time I went to sleep in my bed she was only 2 feet away on the other side of the wall. I’m now super creeped out. FML
Today, my personal trainer fired me. Why? Because I wanted to focus on strength training, not weight loss, and refused to track my carb intake or fasting hours or "hold off on carbs til the optimal time of day." Nice to know I'm not allowed to be satisfied with my own weight. FML
Today, I’ve finished all my cancer treatments but my body is putting me through the wringer again. I got my first period after not having one for nearly a year, and with it has come all sorts of hormonal issues including cramping, mood swings, hot flashes, and heinous BO! It’s worse than puberty! FML
Today, I got a complaint that I'm not performing as usual at my work. That's when I realised it was because I now prioritise my sleep and life over staying awake late at night to learn from the offshore team. I used to work during the ungodly hours of 2am to 7am daily and was then a zombie for the whole day. FML
Today, after a three day hospitalization, four weeks of a new heart med, no alcohol and no caffeine, my heart rhythm was finally back on track. That is until some a-hole teens decided that banging loudly on my door and running away was hilarious. Oh well, back to square one. FML
Today, my parents lectured me on whether it was a good idea to let my girlfriend stay at the home of her ex boyfriend… and his husband. I’m 44 and trust her. My parents didn’t trust this logic and doubled down. FML
Today, I was visiting California with a friend. I saw a lot of palm trees by the road and asked my friend, "Wouldn't that be dangerous when there are coconuts...?" My friend gave me weird look and told me that those are two different trees. Turns out I thought palm trees and coconut trees are the same tree for 20+ years. FML
Today, I forgot my father’s birthday. My father means the world to me, I just have a shit memory. FML
Today, I was lying on the couch when saw the Airheads commercial where a jump-roping construction worker falls and lands on his nuts and says, in a deadpan tone, "Oh my goodness." A few minutes later, my cat jumped from the table and landed on my nuts, and I said, "Oh my goodness" with the very same inflection. FML
Today, my boyfriend and our so-called “friends” left us stranded at a park, when our phones and wallets were also missing. I had to walk nearly four miles in tears before I eventually got a ride from a stranger. Luckily, my phone was returned to my mom, but I’m still in tears from the distress. FML
Today, my mom disowned me and kicked me out of the house, all because I used Plan B to terminate a potential pregnancy after I had unprotected sex. She actually packed a suitcase and duffle-bag for me, told me to hit the road, and to never come back. She told me she’d call the police for trespassing if I didn’t comply. FML
Today, at nearly 9 months pregnant, I came home to find the nursery that had been set up was now completely stripped of everything. My husband was angry at me for not forgiving him for getting another woman pregnant at the same time, so he took everything from the room and gave it to her. FML
Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML
Today, I beat my boyfriend at chess, whilst also doing my homework and cooking dinner, and he got upset about it. FML
Today, I discovered my boyfriend gets lunch every day at Burger King. I confronted him, and he broke up with me. Apparently, he only pretended to be vegan like me to get in my pants, and now the jig is up he dumped me so he can return to having meat at all three meals of the day. FML
Today, it's the third day that I've been ghosted by a Christian boy who's still a virgin. Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s cute, and I liked him a lot. I’m just confused because he asked me out to church last week. He’s really sweet, but maybe he was just trying to convert me? FML
Today, in an effort to save some money, I attempted to paint my own house. Instead, I fell off the ladder and broke my dominant arm. Now I can’t work, brush my teeth, or even wipe my ass. My house is half-painted with stuff everywhere and I have 6 weeks to recover. FML
Today, I have come to the realization that I will likely never be happy at a job. Either it’s low pay, bad work/life balance, racist/homophobic coworkers, or terrible bosses and/or customers. I’ve worked jobs in several different fields and it’s all the same. Yet people say “No one wants to work!” Fuck that. FML
Today, I woke up from my wisdom tooth surgery… while they were still sawing my jaw. I had such a bad panic response that they also cut my lip, so I have stitches inside and outside of my mouth, as well as the haunting crackle of bone being removed from my skull stuck in my head. FML
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