By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 08:01

No, you do it!

Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML

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Hearing impairment

There's no helping some people

Out of it

Walk on the wild side

By anonymous

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Congrats to me - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML

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By Face fucking palm - United States - Albany

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

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By Spencer Chan

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By xHoho - United States - West Fargo

Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML

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By Kirta - Canada

Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By rmb131 - Canada

Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML

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By captainuniverse - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By chairlee - United States

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

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By inder - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By good job bf - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By hushed - Canada - Leduc

Everyone's A Critic

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

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By Just Set Me On Fire

Nope.

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

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By manderpander21 - United States - Bronx

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

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By Damn.... - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

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By screwed.over - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend texted me telling me how much he loved me, and that he wanted my virginity. We have already done it. I don't think he meant to send that text to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

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By rainydays79 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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By FlamedOut

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

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By patronuscat?

Meow!

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 17:00

Outdoorsy romance

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

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By StillLoveMyDogs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to reach for a long piece of lint next to my dryer. It was a snake. FML

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By missyoudad. - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Nasty - United States

Today, after using the bar of soap in the shower to wash my face, I looked down and noticed it was covered in my husband's pubes. FML

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By LaLa - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and we started to get a little kinky. He laid me down roughly on the bed, but I started to slide off, so I pulled myself up. In doing so, I managed to knee him in the nut-sack, causing him to puke. FML

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By ipopnlok - Australia

Romance is dead

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 14:02

Can't see for shit

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML

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By Keastwood013 - United States

Today, I held a door open for a sweet old lady with a walker. After she went through the door, she turned and said, "That's not how you're gonna get into my pants, son." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

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By husks

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked out this girl I've been spending a lot of time with lately. She told me she was only hanging out with me because she thought I was gay and wouldn't try to get in her pants. FML

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Top comments

By diraven | 13

#7972999 - Saturday 20 February 2021 16:29

Don't tell her the new WiFi password

By ahabsfan | 14

#7972965 - Saturday 20 February 2021 11:51

I can do anything an able bodied person can but I reserve the right to use my impairment as an excuse when I want to.

COMMENTS

By ahabsfan | 14

#7972965 - Saturday 20 February 2021 11:51

I can do anything an able bodied person can but I reserve the right to use my impairment as an excuse when I want to.

By diraven | 13

#7972999 - Saturday 20 February 2021 16:29

Don't tell her the new WiFi password

By jobekka | 16

#7973205 - Sunday 21 February 2021 15:36

it sucks helping your mom with tech, everyone whos ever helped know that.. but it would suck for your sister too. share the work