Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML
Today, my wife informed me that she hates having sex with me, and only married me because I was dark, trim, and handsome, but now I'm just gray, fat, and soon to be single. FML
Today, I was at the dentist's and she was hands deep in my mouth with a drill, when the power for the whole block shuts off. For 3 hours, the dentist had to keep shooting me up with shots to numb the horrible pain. FML
Today, I was eating an ice cream on a sidewalk and some woman decided it was time to clip her toenails on her balcony above me. One of the nail shards fell onto my ice cream. FML
Today, my lawyer let me know that due to the rising costs of living, her rate has increased to $565 an hour. That's more 20 times my pay. I'm not even getting a cost of living increase. FML
Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML
Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while still giving me oral sex. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend would rather jerk off to porn than to ever touch me, even if I wear a naughty outfit. FML
Today, I confessed to my husband that after having my eating disorder under control the last two years, I've relapsed the last three months. He responded by telling me to keep it up, because he wants to have the hottest wife out of all his friends. FML
Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML
Today, it's the 10th anniversary of the last time I had sex, and that was a drunk pity shag down an alley that lasted less than 30 seconds, due to me getting my period and his whiskey dick. Since then, all my sexual encounters have included the internet and rechargeable batteries. FML
Today, my son has complex special needs, but apparently some of my deliberately ignorant relatives put no effort into learning more about his issues, and just call him "the retarded one" when they think I can’t hear them. FML
Today, as punishment for going through my boyfriend’s phone and finding evidence of him cheating, he dropped me off at the gym and made me stay there for an hour to workout. As soon as I get to a “desirable physique” he’ll dump the other woman. If I don’t do it, he’ll kick me out of our apartment. FML
Today, my date decided not to have sex with me after she saw I wear Y-fronts, Tighty Whities to some of you, instead of boxers, so she couldn’t take me seriously as a grown man wearing underwear normally worn by children under 10 years-old. FML
Today, my friend spent the night. I now know that she masturbates in her sleep. FML
Today, despite leaving early to go to work, I still ended up late because some dude decided to have an argument with the bus driver, delaying us by 20 minutes. As a result, I was fired without a write-up. This was my first ever time being late. FML
Today, my natural body odor has gotten so bad that despite wearing 20 swipes of men’s deodorant under each armpit and taking three showers a day with an entire bottle of body wash, I still smell like a cross between onions and hot garbage. I’m a woman. FML
Today, I tried to give my mom a hug, but she pushed me away and yelled at me for trying to hug her while she’s angry. When I asked how I was supposed to know, she replied, “Read my fucking body language, idiot!” I’m diagnosed autistic and she knows it. FML
Today, my husband has increasingly been asking for doggy style, which is not as romantic as missionary, so I asked him why the change. Apparently some of my pregnancy stretch marks make a goofy face and he can’t concentrate from trying to stop giggling, so his solution, flip me over and go at it from behind. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that I once fooled around innocently with another girl. He’s now trying to force me to "explore my bisexuality". Not because he thinks it’s a healthy expression, but he thinks it’s "hot" and wants to set up threesomes. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dick is broken. We used to have an amazing sex life but because he won't take care of his jock itch, and his skin keeps cracking every time there's any pulling on his junk, I haven't really been laid in almost a year and a half. FML
Today, after I applied and interviewed for a technical position in IT two weeks ago, they informed me that I didn't get it, because I'm "too technical." How the hell is that even possible? FML
Today, I noticed that I feel the loneliest when I'm with my family. I was raised in group homes for most of my childhood and I'm sure my mother doesn't want me, and she hasn't for years. My brothers used to disappear as kids and just do what they wanted, whereas I'd be home before curfew and I rarely acted out but still I'm unwanted. FML
Today, after I took extra shifts to be able take the woman I loved out for special weekend, she dumped me and now I'm working extra shift for no reason. FML
Today, it's the fifth time this week alone I've attempted to explain to my boyfriend that I need more than just two minutes of foreplay to get horny. He tells me he's too tired, but is apparently not too tired to receive head and then have sex afterwards. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I attempted to help a little girl who was alone and looked lost. All I managed to say was, "Hi my name is…" when she screamed and set off an actual rape alarm in her pocket. I was tackled by about 3 people, while my girlfriend did nothing to help me except laugh and start filming it. FML
Today, at my new job at McDonald’s, they only had uniform pants in a size 36 or 56, nothing in between. I’m a size 40 so I squeezed into the 36. When I told my supervisor I couldn’t tuck my shirt into the pants like they asked, because I couldn’t close the top button, she told me to lose weight. FML
Today, I live an hour away from work, and asked my boss if I could work remotely as roads are closed due to a bad storm. He said no, I have to come in or lose a day's pay. I found out he is letting my coworkers work remotely and be paid. I've been with the company for 8+ years; my coworkers have been there ~2.5 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost a year told me he thinks he might be gay. I took off my shirt, sexily climbed over him, and began to kiss him passionately. "What do you think now?" I said seductively. His response? "Now I'm sure I'm gay." FML
Today, at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s who had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies' changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML
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