Today, I dressed up nicely to see the guy that I like and have been talking to for the last 3 months. Just when I thought he was finally going to ask me to be his girlfriend, he told me that he's actually had a girlfriend for 3 years now, but was too afraid to tell me because he really likes me. FML
Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML
Today, I just had knee surgery which has put me on crutches for 6 weeks. I fell on my ass after washing my hands after using the bathroom. Ashamed, my boyfriend and father had to pick me up. I destroyed the towel rack, ripping it of the wall. All this pain is now potentially for nothing. It's day 4 post operation. FML
Today, my dog is terrified of her own puppies. I don’t know what happened, but when she’s near them, she shows a fear response pretty much constantly. For her to feed them, I need to be by her face distracting her while the puppies feed from her hidden under a towel. FML
Today, I found myself being jealous of the relationship between Ethan Klein and Trisha Paytas on Frenemies. I need a life. I need real friends. FML
Today, because my insane mother doesn’t want me getting a job to afford to move out and never see her again, she put my suit in the freezer last night so I couldn’t go to my 9 a.m. interview. I went in a t-shirt instead and they rejected me straight away for not "taking the interview seriously." FML
Today, after moving into my new house, I agreed to let my house mates have a house warming on the condition it be a small one, as I have exams all day that day and one that I can't fail on the very next morning. The facebook event guest list now has 100+ confirmed guests. FML
Today, my friend invited me over for a sleepover. Only she didn’t tell me until it was time to go to bed that she expected me to sleep on the floor, as she had three dogs sleeping on the couch, and two more in her bed. She could’ve at least warned me to bring an air mattress or something. FML
Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML
Today, I was informed that one of my store managers does a "great" impression of me. No one will tell me what it is, but apparently it's really funny. FML
Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML
Today, after our in-laws begged us to go, we drove 350 km each way to attend a birthday party on a Sunday. Upon arriving, they informed us the party started at 5 pm, not lunch time, leaving us to drive 5 hours in the dark. Our reward? My husband, 3 year old, 7 month old, and myself tested positive for Covid. FML
Today, my husband is so desperate to not spend time with my parents that on my dad's birthday he claimed he forgot and booked a trip to the dentist, and now for their anniversary he's pulled the same trick again and booked this year's prostate exam. FML
Today, my parents saw my report card. Now, they refuse to buy me my the new computer I've always wanted because my grades had 'slipped'. I made honor roll for three terms, and was kept off for the fourth for a single bad grade. I failed gym. FML
Today, my half-drunk best friend, who I share lot of hobbies with, and love hanging out with, publicly confessed her love for me, and described how her heart burns every time she sees me with my wife, who's my childhood sweetheart, and love of my life. Now I am having to choose between the two. FML
Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday." He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML
Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML
Today, it's been 4 years since I cheated on my boyfriend and we broke up. I've moved on within those four years, but I found out the reason I have such a hard time getting a new man now is because my ex, who still works the same minimum wage job, still goes out of his way to tell everyone he knows about our breakup. FML
Today, I realized I’m living with a complete moron. I moved in thinking it was gonna be smooth but nope. Dude thought it was okay to put mothballs INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE to help with roaches. Who the fuck does that? FML
Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML
Today, my stepson told his class that I beat his mommy. I did beat his mommy… in Pokémon. He left that detail out, and now his entire school is treating me like a monster. My wife thinks it's hilarious, and says it's her revenge for me winning. FML
Today, I went to the cafeteria at work like I usually do, but couldn't find anything I liked. Turns out there's a new policy in place: the cafeteria is now serving only vegan foodstuffs. FML
Today, I had another phone call with my mother; she has rapid onset dementia, and never gets my name right anymore. Already terrible, but she consistently calls me by my abusive ex-partner’s name instead of my own, so I get double trauma. Obviously F her life, but also FML
Today, I missed my dentist appointment. I couldn't attend, because I was too busy puking my guts up due to a bad reaction to the pain medication I'm taking for my toothache. FML
Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML
Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML
Today, I woke up bright and early… because a spider crawled into my ear. FML
Today, I am now sans job due to burnout. My supervisors recognized I was overworked, and I'd told them I was not able to keep up with all the roles loaded on. I guess firing me was the best business solution. FML
Today, after spending almost an hour in the dentist's waiting room, watching other people get called in for their appointments, I finally lost my patience and asked the receptionist what was taking so long. I'd forgotten to sign in. FML
Today, my boyfriend is pissed at me for giving everyone food poisoning right before the holiday and ruining the weekend. He’s the one that forced and berated me into using the nasty expired ingredients in his mom’s kitchen, even though I knew better. FML
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