The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Guess that's a "No thanks" then

Today, I tracked down my long-lost daughter after losing her to foster care 26 years ago when I was on drugs. I knocked on her door and introduced myself, going in for a hug. She maced me and physically kicked me back into the hall, threatening a restraining order if I ever spoke to her again, and slammed the door. FML

Love is love

Today, my husband got drunk, which was bad enough, but then he got me to the point where I wanted sex too, so I let him climb aboard. He was inside me for 3 thrusts and then stopped. He’d fallen asleep, so I pushed him off me, mad as hell, then he farted and shit a little bit. I married this twat. FML

Thanks, Bill

Today, I was busy writing my English final paper and all of a sudden my computer just chose to freeze. I thought Microsoft Word would save it, but alas, 4 pages down the dumpster. Plus my earphones stopped working and I can't afford to buy a new pair. FML

Climate change sucks

Today, and for the past seven weeks, the weather forecast has been the same, invariably saying, "This week, it’ll be either hot or rainy, but next week it’ll be mild and sunny." I’m still waiting for "next week's” weather. FML

It is?

Today, and for the last few months, I finally have enough money to be able to move into my own place. I can finally have girls over. I am also at the age of 26, where most girls stop wanting to go over to a guy's house. I wish I was 18 again, when independence is seen as new and sexy. FML

Many such cases

Today, I had to use my husband's vehicle. He has been spiraling into a mean, bigoted man. I got into his vehicle and the radio was on a station that was spewing weird stereotypes of women, and making fun of anyone who is not a hard supporter of a certain orange politician/businessman. FML

Today, on Hoarders…

Today, my mom’s house is so dirty and cluttered, there's hardly any space left for actually living in it. Two months ago, she intended to finally organize and tidy up. Now, she's bought a trailer and is simply moving into that instead. FML

Open invitation

Today, after a grueling business trip, my husband and I came home to all our furniture broken, every window smashed, all the floors scratched and carpets ripped, all our electronics stolen, and all our food and booze gone. What happened? Our son held a party and invited literally everyone he could from campus. FML

Thanks for coming in, Mr Belch

Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML

On the runs

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

Some friend you are

Today, I had to give back the Christmas present to who I thought was my best friend. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I declined. Apparently, because I don’t feel the same way he does, I don’t deserve it. I was under the impression that he’d given me this present to be a friend, not to get in my pants. FML

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

Cost effective

Today, I arrived at a cheap but nice hotel. I normally couldn't pay for it, but it was only slightly more expensive than camping, so I decided to treat myself. Ten minutes after arriving, I felt dizzy while standing in the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and broke the lid almost in half. It'll cost me 50 euros extra. FML

Bad seed

Today, everyone says I'm being too hard on my son, who I disowned and went no contact with after he cleaned out all of my late wife's belongings without asking. I have nothing, literally nothing left of her now. FML

Great idea for a fun night

Today, to my surprise, my girlfriend accepted to try bondage, despite not being particularly turned on by it. I understood why when, after she firmly tied me up to the bed, she ate 80% of the two-person cake we bought for dinner. In front of me. FML

Tantrum

Today, I had a great idea for a group project at work, so I shared it with my team and my supervisor. They seemed to like it very much, except one guy in our group, who outranks me and who threw a massive temper tantrum because, “I didn't consult him first before sharing it.” This big baby makes 3 times my income. FML

Impressive

Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML

Kids will be kids

Today, at my little cousin’s birthday party, some spoilt child played a prank and placed chocolate cake on my seat just as I was about to sit. Let’s just say of all the days, today was a bad day to wear cream trousers and park the car quite a way away from the venue. FML

No kinkshaming, but come on…

Today, my girlfriend finally showed me the porn she likes to watch. Amputees were involved. FML

Picky

Today, my son broke up with his girlfriend. When I asked why, he said, "Because I found out she's adopted. Ugh. I just can't with that, y'know?" Never before have I ever felt the desire to disown one of my kids. It's not a pleasant feeling. FML

Truth bomb

Today, my son's blood type was tested for college requirements. He's AB-; I'm B+; His mom/my ex is B+, a genetically impossible combo. He wasn't blood-typed at birth. This explains A LOT of my ex's behavior during our marriage/custody issues since then. There's a secret she wanted hidden. No one knows that I know. FML

Sneaky

Today, I was serving a rude and obnoxious couple at a restaurant. They made outrageous demands, then they got up and snuck out while I wasn’t looking. They were kind enough to leave a “tip” on the receipt they hadn’t paid for, saying, “Maybe if you lost weight you’d be fast enough to catch us!” FML

Careful

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

Found an out

Today, my husband filed for divorce because he discovered that we're actually fourth cousins. I tried to insist that means absolutely nothing, but he won't listen. FML

Get a flip phone

Today, I sold my old iPhone 14… or at least I tried. I met the customer and she said, “Gee thanks!” and walked away with it. When I asked for the money, she said, “Suck my dick!” and took off running. I'm too out of shape to catch her and phoneless until I can come up with the remaining $200 to pay for my new iPhone. FML

Unexpected

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

Hormones

Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML

Ballsy move

Today, I found out that the woman who I punched in the face after I caught her on my porch snooping through my mail is pressing charges. FML

Nerves, dear?

Today, on my first date with a guy I really like, I threw up not once, not twice, but three times. FML

The blame game

Today, I got home from work to the news my daughter and stepson are dating, and having sex, which is weird but not illegal, since they’re not related. My wife however is blaming me, because I apparently didn’t let her discipline them harshly enough when they were teenagers. FML