By ZG1 - 13/2/2021 20:00

Thanks for coming in, Mr Belch

Today, I burped and sneezed during a job interview, I don’t think they were impressed by my talents. FML

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613

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Work

Job interview

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Public transport FTW

Get the message, dude

By ofcourse - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

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By JamesFuckingBond - United States - Burlington

Today, I dropped my wedding ring on the carpet. Just as I was about to pick it up, my Roomba sucked it up. FML

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7659

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1693

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By Anonymous - United States - Sainte Genevieve

Today, I asked if my friend wanted to come meet my dog and give him a treat. We were walking to my back yard, her holding 3 hot dogs, when she said, "I think your dog is dead!" I said, "No, he's just old and sleeps all the time and won't wake up until you pet him because he's deaf." He was dead. FML

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9191

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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6141

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

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164556

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41300

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By BadKitty - Australia - Invermay

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

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11763

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1236

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By Katrina - United States

Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML

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48397

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

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39294

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2632

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By PixiXOXO - Denmark - Birker?d

Everybody has a body

Today, I realised just how cripplingly self-conscious I am, when I couldn't even fantasise about having sex with a guy without feeling shy and insecure about my body. FML

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31550

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By jking2z - United States

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

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27322

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By smokin - United States

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

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32007

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5354

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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1665

You deserved it

175

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By inveralaska - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

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11947

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2325

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By MI3 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

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31273

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2278

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By HitbyIce - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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31901

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By Anonymous - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

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12393

You deserved it

31118

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By deee21 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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14805

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By Megan

Weren't there two girls?

Today, I was at my boyfriend's in a back room that wasn’t connected to the main house. I really had to pee, but neither of us wanted to go into the house, so he told me to just go outside in a cup. I ended up having diarrhea in a cup in my boyfriend's backyard. FML

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2309

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite; this dog was no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

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52129

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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43111

You deserved it

6227

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By contracted - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

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11932

You deserved it

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By VCDUDE11FTW - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

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40472

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By poorbeauty - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

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13292

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By smellsofeggs - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

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28976

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By Crash44

Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1914

You deserved it

226

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By r1has - Pakistan - Rawalpindi

Today, someone spilled ammonium hydroxide in ethanol solution in the lab, which smells like very concentrated urine. Since the experiment involved Bunsen burners, we couldn't turn on the fans. We had to work in a lab that smelled like Satan's piss for 2 hours. FML

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15504

You deserved it

1186

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By It's a foot long

Today, I have to figure out how to tell my vision-impaired father that his ex-girlfriend left their double pronged dildo out on his dresser when she moved out. I see it when I bring him his coffee every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3097

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355

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By firethorn - United States

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

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35988

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3566

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By Anonymous

Today, my prom date and his family came over to take pictures. His dad happens to be my mom's gynecologist. FML

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4727

You deserved it

390

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51209

You deserved it

4850

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By Shiva - France - Niort

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48369

You deserved it

9397

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By LizP40 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

63787

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By Rebecca - Australia - Dural

Today, I was chatting to a co-worker, upon whom I have a serious crush. It was going really well, until he said "irregardless", as if it's actually a proper word. This grammatical abomination really ticks me off, and I actually had to fight back the urge to beat some damn sense into him. FML

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13240

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By Noname - France

Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24813

You deserved it

2774

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By shahman14

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

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2118

You deserved it

125

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom made me teach my delusional gran web browsing. I barely made it to YouTube before she sneered at me, and told me to "stop pissing about before I smash your face in." Two hours and multiple slaps later, she still doesn't get what a URL is, and I fear for my life. FML

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29152

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3031

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24126

You deserved it

2410

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By bbbblt - Australia

Cheats, cheats everwhere

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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51735

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally met the cute guy I've been seeing around town. Bad news is, I was drunk off my ass, and when he told me his name, I burst out laughing because it's the same as my puppy's. He did not take it well. FML

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7971479 - Sunday 14 February 2021 1:40

Your interviewer is probably getting a covid test right now just to be safe.

By tounces7 | 27

#7971632 - Sunday 14 February 2021 23:49

Next time fart too so you'll have a trifecta.

COMMENTS

By tounces7 | 27

#7971479 - Sunday 14 February 2021 1:40

Your interviewer is probably getting a covid test right now just to be safe.

By tounces7 | 27

#7971632 - Sunday 14 February 2021 23:49

Next time fart too so you'll have a trifecta.

By Warp1978 | 12

#7971724 - Monday 15 February 2021 11:31

I once sneezed blood over a desk at an interview luckily I got my hand up in time so I got covered and didn't get the job. 👍😉