Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML
Today, I complained to my boyfriend that he won’t let me meet his family. He sarcastically replied, “What, you mean my wife and kids? You’re a mistress, remember? You don’t get to meet my family.” FML
Today, I was uninvited to our usual family Thanksgiving, as well as the rest of the holidays with my extended family. Why? They found out who I voted for. I won't say who, but according to my aunt, I'm to blame for putting their son's healthcare at risk. WTF? FML
Today, a customer yelled and cursed at me, splashing spittle in my face, and to top it all off she wished “my mom would die in a fire.” All this because I accidentally spilled her milkshake all over her Louis Vuitton handbag. Apparently, it “costs more than my rent.” FML
Today, we got a new kitchen but in my wife’s brain it’s so perfect that she doesn’t want it ruined by anything, so no one is allowed to use it. it’s been installed for 4 days, we haven’t cooked anything, used the sink, fridge empty. I can’t even put anything on the counter in case it scratches. FML
Today, I showered with my favorite soaps, and I used my favorite perfumes and lotions too. I layered my scents to get a nice fruity, girly scent, which helps boosts my confidence. My husband walked in the bedroom when I was done and said that it smelled like cheesy garlic bread. FML
Today, I found a necklace that my parents had made for me. While looking at it, I realized my parents had spelled my name wrong. FML
Today, on our twelfth wedding anniversary, my wife fell asleep at a fine dining restaurant table within seconds of asking me about my exciting job interview. FML
Today, I got thrown out by a guy I really like, with the words, "Can you leave me the fuck alone, please?" I took my stuff and left as quickly as I could, just to fall down the stairs on his doorway, and twist my ankle really bad. He's someone from work as well. FML
Today, I searched my ex-boyfriend on Facebook while my husband slept. He recently got engaged. I regret everything. FML
Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML
Today, for National Pet Day, we had a pet show and tell at work. A colleague of mine showed us a picture of her lemon tree. I remember she had a dog and wondered why she didn’t bring him, so I asked why didn’t she show her dog. Turns out he passed away a month ago. She burst into tears and ran off. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me weird because I keep gloves in the glove box in my car. He's never seen that before. FML
Today, I was told that because I have an anime profile picture, I’m obviously extremely ugly in real life. I’m not ugly, I’m trans. FML
Today, I've been doing some of the duties of an ex-coworker who resigned a month ago. Now they've given her position to someone else, who doesn't even have the experience all because she "looks the part more." Apparently, I need to "get laser eye surgery, get on Jenny Craig, and buy 'curl tamer shampoo'" to get promoted. FML
Today, my son asked if there was a way to make parenting easier. I sarcastically told him he could be a deadbeat who sees his kid every two weeks. He must have thought I was serious because he broke up with his girlfriend and baby, turned up at my door expecting to have his old room, and told my wife it was my idea. FML
Today, I was admiring a hot surfer with my friend when he approached us. I was prepared to give him my number but instead he said, “If I was staring at you two in your bikinis the way you two were ogling me, i’d go to jail. I’m old enough to know your dad by the way, have some respect.” FML
Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML
Today, my boyfriend who’s rage quit multiple games, screamed cuss words for hitting too many red lights, and broke his new phone when a legendary Pokémon escaped after a raid in Pokémon Go, told me I was too dramatic. Sorry for being depressed that my biopsy results weren’t good. Shit happens, huh? FML
Today, I caught my best friend's wife being a cheating whore, and I told her either she told him the truth or I would. More fool me, she used the time I gave her to convince him I tried to sleep with her, so now he won’t believe a word I say, and he punched me in the jaw. FML
Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was by accident. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. Not only did my boyfriend of 5 years forget, when I reminded him, he said very unenthusiastically, “Oh, Happy Birthday.” When I said, “That’s it?” he got annoyed and said,“Well, what else do you want me to tell you?” FML
Today, I decided to confess my feelings and perform a love song I'd written for my crush during an open mic night. He was there - he also took the opportunity to declare his love to his on-off girlfriend, get down on one knee and propose to her. She said yes. FML
Today, a "friend" of mine told everyone that I had a crush on a girl I used to be really good friends with 2 years ago. I never liked her that way, and had said that only to hide the fact that I'm gay and don't feel safe with boys. Her current boyfriend is seriously annoyed with me. FML
Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML
Today, I called complaints for my internet provider because, again, it's slowed to a crawl that would make dial-up laugh. They said that I live in a remote area, so maintenance is difficult. When I pointed out I only live ten minutes from the nearest city, they responded by saying they're my only option, so tough. FML
Today, my 3 year-old son projectile vomited on me. I was covered head to toe in blue Gatorade vomit. FML
Today, I was at a theme park with an old friend. We were standing in line when she reached into my shorts and pulled my thong so high it was almost to my shoulders. It would’ve been fine if I didn’t see my boss behind us in line who saw the whole thing. She waved. FML
Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML
Today, I’m now so unfit, I had to stop halfway through sex with my wife to catch my breath, and in the end we just gave up, as clearly neither of us was having an orgasm today. I don’t get it, I weigh exactly 11 stone and exercise regularly, but I have no stamina and shit lungs. I hate myself. FML
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