Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

by kewtness_17 / 10/01/2011 at 7:10pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

by jesus christ / 09/30/2011 at 10:55pm / United States / Kids

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

by Lolaa123 / 09/25/2011 at 12:03am / United States / Kids

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

by Anonymous / 09/20/2011 at 3:24am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

by awesomekidsmum / 09/17/2011 at 9:20pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

by applesmama / 09/17/2011 at 12:36am / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, in a desperate bid to avoid going to the doctor, my young son ran into and hid inside a cactus garden. I had to drag him out. FML

by Chandler / 09/16/2011 at 3:26pm / United States / Kids

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

by Smart / 09/16/2011 at 10:42am / United States / Kids

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

by unknown / 09/14/2011 at 8:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

by Randy / 09/12/2011 at 10:15pm / United States (Alabama) / Kids

Today, I had to clean up after the kid that discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2011 at 3:16pm / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Kids

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

by why?! / 09/09/2011 at 9:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

by thatoneguy / 09/05/2011 at 4:23pm / United States (Texas) / Kids