Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my shirt off, she saw my chest acne. She ran out of my house and hasn't spoken to me in 5 hours. FML
Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML
Today, I was talking to my parents when all of a sudden my dad started freaking out and asking my mom how I got this really bad allergy on my face. My mom just laughed, and then I had to explain to him that it was just my acne. The worst part is that he was dead serious the whole time. FML
Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying, "It's for my acne." FML
Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
Today, a little girl pointed to the acne on my face and said to her dad, "Look at how many mosquito bites she has on her face!" FML
Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML
Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML
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Top comments
JDFromSac 0
stop putting cum on your face then
iAmScrubs 19
At least you can start your own business now. Proactiv 2: Ingredients Unknown.
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Comments (246)
Bluesheep_fml 4
I suck :L
OMGIFOUNDWALDO 6
I think they're talking about masturbation here not ********
jmtmxer 0
really ? first comment and you put that ? how original....
dolphincheddar 10
your girlfreind just owned your ass. I like her, you make a dumb comment and she got you. sucks to be you aha. and it doesn't kill acne so stop rubbing it on your face OP. however it does help whiten teeth.. for those of you who care
tpreston 0
stop rating on the first commenter we all know you're envy him
laurenv20 4
well at least you don't have acne ..right? o.o
dolphincheddar 10
you got owned. and it doesn't help with acne but it does help whiten teeth and loosen plaque. my dentist told me this. he applies some to my teeth after every check up and he says once daily will make your teeth super white :)
genesisnirvana 11
i think its time to sue your dentist lol
flockz 20
ya my orthodontist once gave me sperm flavored rubber bands. it made all my food a little saltier.
OWNZ 0
Sure sounds like a STICKY situation! that was nasty...
KingGeorgeGal 12
Good joke gone bad.
tootsie5790 0
Woah ! Now U Kno Who Nt To Joke Around With
Iamnotmyself 17
Look on the bright side, all of her friends will give blow jobs to you if they get a pimple!
dolphincheddar 10
why would I sue my dentist for whitening my teeth for free? it's a valid method. and hey, if you can't find any you could always use your own!
BaconDave 12
Maybe he gets "facials"
genesisnirvana 11
103- or i could always use yours. . . .
dolphincheddar 10
sure 120 i have lots to go around
JokinglySerious 0
WTF?!? I didn't know it does that?!?
WOTM 0
that's a little disturbing but cool, I do hope it's not his though
Jammy01jams 2
You all do realize someone has read all of this and did not get the joke... what this means is thy someone is now rubbing their own sperm on both their face and teeth... -_- Excellent... :D
dolphincheddar 10
it's nice right? very relaxing
Xx_Dakota_xX 1
103- are u being serious about that ur dentist does that?...
senseisuncommon 7
...And she jokingly texted all her friends about your failed attempt to get a *******,right?
PageantGirlXOXO 16
208: are you seriously asking that?
cenax27 0
that bitch should be introduced to the back hand, good ol 40's
Xx_Dakota_xX 1
220- well the way she says it makes me believe it -.- and u never know might be some ****** up dentist out there
BaconDave 12
226 - No. There is no "****** up dentist" who gives his customers facials.
Xx_Dakota_xX 1
231- secret **** star dentist :L
BaconDave 12
Kinky, but no.
iluvboobies 9
What goes around, cums around.
JDFromSac 0
stop putting cum on your face then
JesusFishTaco 5
It burns if it gets in your eyes though dude.
JesusFishTaco 5
Why didn't I think of that?
flockz 20
hey jesus u got a beard right? wouldnt it get stuck in that? cumbeard.
hook_em 0
it's ok guys I didn't think of that ever I still do the same thing. it does help really well with oily skin it clears them zits right up. it also has those scrubin beads that get into the pores for blackheads it does wonders ooooo
JesusFishTaco 5
Flockz, I'm Jesus. I found a way to keep my beard from getting sticky. I turn the **** that touches my beard into shampoo.
flockz 20
i would love to tussle that beard.
JesusFishTaco 5
It's waiting for you man. And it's horny.
deathmetalkill 3
Carefull, your beard might get pink eye.
dolphincheddar 10
pinkeye is from getting bacteria from the anus in your eye, most commonly from someone sitting or farting on a pillow. also, last time I checked beards don't have eyes :/ maybe jesus' does tho
MrSassypants 34
70 then how come you didn't find out about closing your eyes.
JesusFishTaco 5
122-Because I was enjoying a nice Kids Cuisine at the time.
theaws0m3guy 4
Chuck Norris has a fist in his beard.
PsychoNinjaDuck 0
No, that's Chucks Norris. =]
TheRealBruce 12
um heyy 67 why does y'all have a picture of me as your picture and I'm sorry y'all I got off subject anyways this fml is just nasty!
hook_em 0
hey 216 why don't you come up with someone not in use I've had him for a while so your out of luck
englishhottiexx 0
Yeah OP can come on mine instead ;) haha
TheRealBruce 12
well 230 I have been on this site for a long time but I just finally verified this account and you please don't start anything cause I don't like to fight well I'm going to go cause jeffrey just got here
hook_em 0
ok 243 we already have the family guys personnel taken care of I'm on the thing where mr Herbert announced the official guys so have a nice day and please pick a new guy
TheRealBruce 12
I'm not going to fight with you I don't like to fight with y'all I've been here for a long long time and I'm more official than you I'm sorry you can pick a new account I'm sorry for the inconvenience thank you goodbye.
hateplow 3
owned
ImaWiseGuy 5
should of told her regardless of how I got rid of mine, it's how we're going to get rid of your...
hexblot 10
"see? works wonders! your turn now..."
kennyisboss 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
you should tell her ftiends she cuts herself that will show her.
taytoc 10
that wasn't funny at all. that was more of an insult towards the person dating her aswell then
seanders 10
Yeah man, you tell her friends that she's anorexic!
hydef14 2
and bipolar and secretly has aides
spacemanspiff78 7
aides? like personal assistants?
mooshibear140 4
47, it's AIDS, not aides.
HeyMrsWest 2
Lmfao! Damn. Guess you have a story to tell now.
samanthanicolee 0
haha yeah that will be interesting when you try to explain it to other people
mahomie97 7
AGREEED(:
NomOnShroomz 14
pwned
yoimtrollin 24
well said.
CryMoreFMLs 15
This plan backfired on the OP.
grumpybarista 0
No, just owned. Stop using pwned wrong.
iAmScrubs 19
At least you can start your own business now. Proactiv 2: Ingredients Unknown.
sourgirl101 29
Will there be a market for that? I'm sure girls wouldn't have trouble getting that stuff for free.(:
sourgirl101 29
Oops, I missed the ingredients "known" part. Very wise!
daBeast155 0
the uggos will
MrSassypants 34
Can I be your first customer? Or I can work for the company and help make it. I'll enjoy making it more than buying it. 8)
sourgirl101 29
Are you sure you want to work for that company? It sounds like hard work! *** I see you fixed your name.(:
iAmScrubs 19
Our motto is "a little bit of excitement in every bottle". We are hiring now at 1-800-DirectSperm. The product is actually endorsed by Justin Bieber if you can believe it!
sourgirl101 29
I thought balls needed to drop in order to product sperm. Dammit! Now, I understand why my bottle only had peach fuzz ball sweat!
CryMoreFMLs 15
... Sometimes, only my picture can explain hiw I feel. Other times, it's the exact opposite. This is one of those times.
dolphincheddar 10
u no gusta?
jewknowit710 2
not that bieber helps produce it but loves working it into his skin! and hands.. and well you get the picture.
Siji 0
Sassy, how'd you change your name man? I'd like to know if it didn't involve making a new profile.
MrSassypants 34
156 Sirin asked if I wanted it changed and she changed it. That's why I don't **** with admin.
Sirin_fml 47
Thanks for the crate of vodka and fine cigars, MrSassypants. Very considerate of you indeed.
MrSassypants 34
Sure and if you need help with drinking the vodka we would drink together! I promise if I get a little tipsy I will not under any circumstance take advantage of myself. Oh how I love lying. They say my pants will catch on fire but my pants are to sassy. 8)
MrSassypants 34
Shit did I type that? Thanks Sirin!
cgall123 0
why would you tell someone that?
2cacrawf 0
why not? he was just kidding around. I've had a boy friend try to convince me swallowing is healthy for your skin it keeps wrinkles away.
MetalSparks138 0
cuz at first glance its funny then it spirals down into a deppressing void of death and anguish :D
genesisnirvana 11
well is it healthy for the skin? lol
goshpeople 4
My impression was that he told her that in an effort to persuade her to let him (how to put this delicately...) finish on her face. "Hey, there are proven scientific benefits! It'll help with your acne problem!"
cgall123 0
kidding... yea telling people putting cum on their face is hilarious
Voqab 3
u wanna find out for urself
Voqab 3
dats for 45
darkness4dummies 0
what a bitch you should break up with her because she could do more stuff like that which could hurt you in the future and get you in trouble just sayin
dolphincheddar 10
or you could not make a dumb joke and set her up to get you back? it's funny and he deserves it
TigerArmy21 0
wtf
Struggs 2
Sheesh, lol. Calm down.
guitargoddess89 3
you probably don't have a boyfriend can't take a joke like that. guys joke like that all the time. lighten up a little will ya?
taticalnNinja 5
you maam have no common sense
corrinaswan 0
wow if I were a guy I would hate to be your boyfriend can you take a joke
shybear15 0
108... you are hot
iEatGuppies 0
wtf? that made no sense. wrong FML?
KiddNYC1O 22
Spare #12 guys, she's just 14.
cindayy77 0
Well I'm 14 and #12 is mindless to me :P I don't even think they read the FML correctly or something..
xdust 4
does it work?