Intimacy: Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend...

By vegas-81 - 10/02/2014 03:39 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 662

You deserved it 16 479

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Same thing different taste

By 404: Sanity Not Found - 27/01/2016 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 353

You deserved it 5 154

By Anonymous - 15/02/2010 01:49 - United States

Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 641

You deserved it 2 562

Completely wet

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 20:00

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 2 065

I did a sex

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 1 207

Spontaneous

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 827

You deserved it 2 417

By Med - 13/11/2012 12:02 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after clubbing with my girlfriend, we went to her place. She then threw up on the floor, and went to clean herself up. When she came back, she'd forgotten that she'd just thrown up. She blamed me for puking, and kicked me out. It was 4:00 am and a 3-hour walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 808

You deserved it 2 979

Bad game

By Dick the Greater - 25/10/2013 22:08

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 437

You deserved it 10 376

By drunkluv - 12/04/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 060

You deserved it 4 189

Explain yourself

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 292

You deserved it 4 601

By jimbop - 23/05/2009 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 930

You deserved it 10 332

shadowfighter10 9

Monday 10 February 2014 13:01

*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know

Pleonasm 35

Monday 10 February 2014 13:03

The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"

Comments

shadowfighter10 9

Monday 10 February 2014 13:01

*morgan freeman voice* she's right you know

buttcramp 21

Monday 10 February 2014 18:04

hilarious #1! OP, maybe she wants sex to be more special than just drunk sex. Sorry you got turned down though.

DorklyComicFan 8

Monday 10 February 2014 13:01

Maybe she was drunk too.

SgtAssCheeks 21

Monday 10 February 2014 17:51

Then her drunk ovaries would create total chaos with drunk sperm; Armageddon

ShadowNinja445 12

Monday 10 February 2014 21:50

*Spermageddon

JoeyJaws68 18

Monday 10 February 2014 13:03

Lethal

Pleonasm 35

Monday 10 February 2014 13:03

The Hangover: Part Sex "Holy shit, men, we've somehow made it to her bladder!"

Queen_bee1234 21

Monday 10 February 2014 13:06

Doesn't seem like she is the sharpest tool in the shed.

klorehore 24

Monday 10 February 2014 19:30

seems more like OP is the dumb one here, actually taking offense enough to post this on fml and expecting sympathy

sardonique 11

Monday 10 February 2014 21:02

Stop talking about yourself like that.

seprunner 12

Monday 10 February 2014 13:12

That's how accidents happen

iLike2Teabag 27

Tuesday 11 February 2014 11:11

Is that how you happened?

ZY1431 24

Monday 10 February 2014 13:13

well maybe she......yea no I got nothing sorry. not the sharpest tool in the or whatever you wanna use.

bubblyhayley 16

Monday 10 February 2014 17:13

erm, what!!??

Hiimhaileypotter 52

Tuesday 11 February 2014 20:03

Apparently #8 is drunk as well.

girlrome 19

Monday 10 February 2014 13:14

Either she's really stupid or simply wasn't in the mood to sleep with you.

booze_n_bitches 37

Monday 10 February 2014 13:18

Legit excuse, I'll remember that one.

Zen_Mei 17

Monday 10 February 2014 13:22

She doesn't want to take any chances just in case you don't pull out quick enough

SuperStormCindy 8

Monday 10 February 2014 22:17

pulling out doesn't work.

anon42146 8

Tuesday 11 February 2014 4:35

can someone please inform me how pulling out "doesn't work" the only ******* way to get pregnant is for the sperm to be inside, if he pulls his shit out before he finishes, there won't be a problem.

Ari1337 15

Tuesday 11 February 2014 4:39

pre-ejaculation my friend.

mrlopez 13

Tuesday 11 February 2014 9:02

To add to #71, pre-cum. Don't think anything is foolproof...

DanielleinDC 33

Friday 14 February 2014 21:35

This is the problem with abstinence-only "education". Before a man comes, there's already fluid leaking (pre-ejaculate), and it often will have enough sperm to knock a woman up if she's at the right time in her cycle. Not to mention if a guy is drunk, he may not do so in time. I'm willing to be OP's girlfriend just didn't want to have sex with her drunken boyfriend and made up a stupid excuse.